- I don’t know about this Wesley Clark and how he was all Republican crazy just like eight minutes before he decided to run for the Democrat nomination. In a way, he’s like Arianna Huffington if she were a man and a general and had white hair and didn’t talk funny and actually had a chance of being elected and… well, you know what I mean.
- From the polls, which are always accurate, it looks like Arnold has a lock on the governorship. Little known fact is that when a governor is recalled in California, the replacement governor needs to pick up the old one in the air and then snap him in two while shouting, “Dah!”. That’s why few are as qualified as a recall candidate as Arnold.
- A gorilla escaped in Boston and injured two people. It took police a while to take action because at first they just though it was Ted Kennedy having a night on the town. When will people learn that monkeys and people can’t live side by side? As soon as we turn our backs on them for a second, they’ll rampage like Kennedys.
- In more monkey news, scientists say that orangutans could go extinct in 20 years because of habitat destruction by illegal loggers. And you were against illegal loggers.
- And don’t someone e-mail me to tell me apes aren’t monkeys. They’re all monkeys to me. Monkey monkey monkey!
- What’s this about a CIA leak from the Whitehouse. I’ve been busy being sick so I haven’t paid attention. So, are like the Democrats suddenly concerned with national security all of sudden. How odd.
- I still can’t believe people are actually thinking of electing a Democrat to the presidency. Do you really think a Democrat could handle things if we got attacked by terrorists again or if ninjas ambushed us? No, they’d just cry and hide under table as say, “Please, Republicans, save us; you’re big an tough!” And maybe we’ll be like, “Screw you guys; you’re on your own. Should have stocked up on guns like me.”
- When interviewed by Hannity, Arnold said his political inspiration was Ronald Reagan. Can a Republican candidate be viable if he answers in any other way?
- When interviewed, Bustamante identified his political inspiration as “Mayor McCheese”.
- Okay, Bustamante isn’t really fat enough to pull that joke off. So sue me.
- I hear all this argument about getting the Iraqis a constitution. Why not just photocopy ours and replace the word “people” with “Iraqis”?
- What?
Archive of entries posted on September 2003
In My World: Rumsfeld Carefully Considering His Resignation
“Murder! Kill! Destroy!” Rumsfeld screamed.
“We haven’t asked a question yet,” said one reporter.
“If your questions are any good, that should have answered them,” Rumsfeld responded.
“Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean has asked for your resignation,” stated another reporter, “How do you respond?”
“I’m thinking it over,” Rumsfeld said calmly.
“I’ve heard you threw Howard Dean through a plate-glass window.”
“I think better when I’m throwing people through plate-glass windows,” Rumsfeld responded irately, not liking being challenged.
“Kinda like how I think better when I pace,” offered one reporter helpfully.
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld yelled, grabbing the reporter by the neck, “No one was talking to you!” He soon let go of the reporter and calmed himself. “There is no reason for me to resign because some whiny Democrat asked me to,” Rumsfeld asserted, “Things are going very well in Iraq. Soon all Iraqis will be dead.”
Condoleezza Rice whispered in his ear.
“I mean, all Iraqis will have democracy and freedom,” Rumsfeld said, rolling his eyes.
“What do you think of Gen. Wesley Clark?” asked a reporter.
“He can’t make up his mind on whether he would have supported the war in Iraq,” Rumsfeld stated, “but I’ve made up my mind on whether I’ll strangle him next time I see him.”
“And what have you decided?” inquired another reporter.
Rumsfeld pulled out his luger and shot the man. “Ask a dumb question, get a dum-dum answer,” Rumsfeld quipped as he put his gun back in its holster.
“Do you think the Iraqis will be able to sustain themselves with their oil revenues?”
“Of course not,” Rumsfeld said, “since all their oil has mysteriously disappeared.”
Condoleezza Rice whispered in his ear again.
“Oh… that won’t happen until tomorrow,” Rumsfeld said, a bit flustered. He then looked at all the reporters sternly. “And it will be a big shock for everyone!”
All the reporters nodded in fear.
“On second though, you people know to much,” Rumsfeld said ominously, “I’m going to need to strangle you all.”
“But the viewers at home have already heard!” protested one reporter.
“No one watches these things,” Rumsfeld said with a smile as his hands eagerly tensed for a strangling.
USMC Radio Ad
Sorry about the dearth of posting. I meant to have an In My World&trade this morning, but I ended up feeling so bad last night that I went to bed at 1930. And, this morning, I had to deal with issues for frontlinevoices.org which is soon going to be ready to premiere. I had an idea for a short IMW involving a Rumsfeld press conference, and maybe I can hack it out and lunchtime.
I do have something else that’s pretty interesting, though. My brother just got back from drill over the weekend and he got me a sample of what’s going to be the new radio ad for Marines’ recruitment. It’s in raw format right now and lacks music, but I think it’s a pretty cool direction they are going. Give it a listen.
A Couple Things
I’ve been busy at work on the Front Line Voices website, which we now have a test version up of. We need submission of stories from troops, so, if you know some who is in or has come back from Iraq, or you are a troop, please get them in.
As you may have noticed, I’ve finally changed the link color for links on the sidebar. I hope everyone likes
Here is my vote for the New Blog Showcase which all us Alliance members need to vote for because…
Ah, I forget. I’m not feeling well and it seems like my brain is about to shut down. I’m going to go get some rest, and I’ll try to churn out something for everyone tomorrow.
Yvonne’s Ashes: Part I – Wacky California
Couldn’t think about what to write politically today, so I thought I might as well start my autobiography instead of waiting until the last minute… such as on my death bed. It will be embellished somewhat to actually make it interesting.
I was born June 4th, 1979, in Long Beach, California. I can’t choose where I’m born. I was a fat baby, and I liked where I was in the womb. Poor mama.
My father decided to name me after him just to make things confusing, so I was christened Francis Joseph Wan Valdez Gerhard Musashi Fleming III. My parents just called me Frankie. Carter was president then, and everyone was sad except for me, being too young to know what “double-digit inflation” meant.
After I was brought home, my one other sibling, Joe foo’, who is about 18 months older, devised a number of fiendish plots to do away with. That’s just what older brothers do. None of his plans were successful though, and eventually he grew to tolerate me.
We had a nice house with a white picket fence in LBC. I used to hand out with Snoop Dog’s younger brother, Stevie. I heard some of the new “music” being worked on, and, being young and naive and unaware of gang violence, I remarked, “What a bunch of crap.”
They liked that term, and kept saying, “Play some more of that crap!” Eventually is broke down to people asking, “I want to hear some of that ‘rap!” (word shortening was the style of the time). Eventually even the apostrophe disappeared into the annals of history, and it all became know just as “rap”.
My dad worked in South Central L.A. repossessing cars. Being just a little toddler, my dad thought if I went to people and did a cute little dance, the people would be distracted enough for him to get the car. I asked why couldn’t Joe foo’ do it, and my dad told me very frankly, “Because I like Joe.” My dad promised that after he drove off with the car, he’d eventually come back and get me. That was good, because being in a scary neighborhood at night was a lot for a two-year-old. My dad always kept his promise to come get me, though sometimes he’d stop to eat first.
I thought I was all anyone could ever want, but apparently my parents weren’t satisfied with me and my mother gave birth to another child, my Silly Sister Sarah. This put my mom in the hospital, which inconvenienced everyone as my mom wasn’t home to cook and clean and we had to take time out of our day to go visit her and the shriveled little thing that was my sister. Sarah has yet to apologize for causing so much trouble.
Both Joe and I didn’t like the new sister, and we’d plan to trap her and then ship her to Vietnam. The trapping was successful, but we didn’t have enough postage, so we had to keep her.
Well into my third year of life, I got fed up with California and threw a huge tantrum yelling, “I hate California. People are weird here. And it’s hot.”
To shut me up, we all flew north and north until we were out of the country and in Canada. We then went even further north until we were in America once again and in our new home, Anchorage, Alaska.
Links of the Day
The Goober Debate
I was flipping around the channel saying, “Dude, there’s nothing on,” when I saw what I thought was this Arnold Schwarzenegger movie I had never seen before. Instead, it was the California recall debate. So I watched the whole thing, and here is a summary:
* Other than Arnold, McClintock, and Bustamante, there was also Arianna Huffington and a Green party candidate just to make things wacky.
* Gray Davis wasn’t there because no one likes him.
* Arianna’s job seemed to be to enrage Arnold and to stray so far off topic that the other candidates would forget what the original question was. She also seemed to be trying to engage President Bush in a debate who never responded, using the excuse that he was 3,000 miles away and not running for governor.
* A big deal was made about how the candidates got the questions ahead of time, but the whole debate ended up being so chaotic that you wouldn’t of known. It did everything but break down into a kung-fu fight, which, as the other candidates realized, would have just benefited Arnold.
* Early on, Arnold quipped to the Green Party candidate, “You make me laugh; I’ll kill you last.” Soon after, though, he crushed the Green Party candidate’s head with his two massive hands. Many are now saying this shows that Arnold will not keep his campaign promises, but his defenders said he was at least forthright about this reversal in position, as, just before crushing him, he told the Green Party candidate, “You know when I told you I would kill you last? I lied.”
* Arianna eventually bothered Arnold so much that he yelled, “Hasta la vista, baby!” and then blew her up with a rocket launcher. Arianna Huffington died as she lived: extremely off topic.
* Bustamante, who referred to illegal aliens as “indigenous”, eventually broke down from the attacks and pulled out a knife and yelled, “I’m going to cut you gringos!” Arnold then rebutted by saying, “Big mistake,” and threw Bustamante through the back wall.
* The moderator was a bit annoying, making far too many jokes. Eventually, Arnold became fed up with him, shouted his famous movie line, “I kill you good now!” and snapped the moderator’s neck. The debate went more smoothly afterwards.
* McClintock said some things about people leaving for Arizona and Nevada.
After the debate, Fox News had on some commentators, one for the Republicans, one for the Democrat, and a circus clown to represent the other two. The Republican said that McClintock won the debate, but Arnold probably did well enough to keep his lead over him. The Democrat said the whole thing was so silly that it probably would help Davis; otherwise Bustamante would win. The circus clown tied a balloon and then said, “Hey! Look! A pony!” which is the best one could say for the Green Party candidate and Arianna Huffington (who are dead now).
Personally, I think McClintock did the best, sounding very professional and staying out of the silly bickering. I kinda now wish Arnold would drop out and support him. Arnold could always try some other job… like maybe a doctor!
“I have good news, Mr. Johnson; the test shows that the growth is benign.”
“So what does that mean, Dr. Schwarzenegger?”
“Very simply… IT’S NAUGHT A TOO-MAH!”
Heh heh. I don’t care if you found that funny; it always cracks me up.
Time to Sign Up
In My World: U.N. Negotiations
“Rarr! I’ll kill you!” Rumsfeld yelled as his fingers reached for Jacques Chirac’s neck. They came a few inches short.
“See, the chain is just as long as we agreed in the negotiations to setup this meeting,” Bush assured the Frenchman. “He’ll just be able to threaten you; not kill you.”
“I won’t be chained up for ever!” Rumsfeld growled, “Then your neck is mine!”
“You never said the dog suspended above me would be so angry,” Chirac protested, looking very scared at the dog hanging above him who was doing his best to try and bite Chirac.
“We did say the ‘Rottweiler of Damocles’ who would represent what’s it’s like to have the threat of terrorism hanging over your head would be angry,” Bush told him.
“But not the angriest dog in the world.”
“You never said he couldn’t be,” Bush retorted.
Chomps snarled and snapped his jaws in the air just above Chirac’s head.
“Why do I have to sit at a highchair?” Gerhard Schroeder demanded.
“The negotiations said we get to choose the seating,” Bush answered.
“But I don’t want to sit in a highchair!” Schroeder cried, banging his highchair, “And negotiations said I get a sippy cup! Where’s my sippy cup!”
“Condi, get him his sippy cup,” Bush said with annoyance. Condoleezza Rice handed the cup to Schroeder who snatched it greedily and began drinking his apple juice.
“I don’t think we’re going to get anywhere with these absurd demands you put on these discussions,” Kofi Anan said, “If we are going to…”
He was interrupted as his head was grabbed by Bush and slammed into the table.
“Please stop doing that,” Kofi said, holding his aching head.
“Negotiations said I can do that up to eighteen times during the meeting,” Bush asserted, “So expect fifteen more of those.”
“But you already did it five times.”
“Three times,” Bush responded, “If you don’t believe me, ask the independent ref.”
“Three times,” said the independent ref.
“The independent ref looks a lot like Dick Cheney in disguise,” Kofi said.
“According to negotiations, we are allowed to bring Cheney disguised as someone.”
“Why did you have to bring Rumsfeld, though?” Kofi asked, “All he does is try to strangle everyone.”
“Rarr! I’ll strangle you for saying that!” Rumsfeld shouted, reaching for Kofi’s neck but coming just short.
“Rumsfeld knows a lot about the war,” Bush explained, “and his opinion on who needs a strangling is helpful.”
“I think we should just beat the crap out of all these people,” said a man with a guitar wearing a cowboy hat.
“And who is he, again?” Chirac asked.
“We negotiated that we would be able to bring a country western singer to this meeting,” Bush said.
“I thought it was going to be one of the Dixie Chicks,” Chirac grumbled.
“I have the beginnings of a song,” the country western singer said and then began playing his guitar.
“I don’t like these people at the U.N.
In fact, they really suck.
If I see them on the street outside,
I’ll hit them with my pickup truck.
Yee-hah!”
Bush and Condi applauded. “That was great,” Bush said, “Now let’s get to business.”
“We have some terms…” Kofi began to say, but found his face meeting hardwood again.
“That’s three times,” said the independent ref.
“Actually, I have some terms,” Bush stated, “If you people of the U.N. don’t want to be completely irrelevant and allowed to help the U.S. in Iraq, you’ll need to each write a thousand word essay on why America is so great and read it publicly. It must then be followed by a song and dance number.”
“That’s absurd!” Chirac shouted, jumping to his feet and thus putting his head right into Chomps’s mouth.
“Uh oh!” Bush yelled, “Chomps is swallowing Chirac whole! We have to stop him… eventually.”
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld shouted, leaping at Kofi. This time he lassoed Kofi’s neck with his shoelaces and began strangling him.
“That wily Rumsfeld,” Condi remarked.
“Whaa! My sippy cup!” Schroeder cried as the country western singer took his cup away. He then punched Schroeder, shutting him up.
“Damn!” Bush exclaimed, “This U.N. meeting is going about as poorly as… well… as I expected. Condi, so let’s just go across the street and get a burger.”
“I don’t think there’s a burger place across the street,” Condi said.
“If we walk around, we’ll find one eventually,” Bush remarked as he left the room.
Free Ice Cream Delay
I had a great idea for and In My World™, but I didn’t have time to finish writing it this morning because of the focus on this new idea which, frankly, is more important (I now have another post with more details). The IMW is all written in my head, and I’ll try to make time at lunch to put it down onto my blog. Sorry for the inconvience, but I have to have my priorities.
The Actual Most Important Post I’ve Written…
…except it’s over here. No Links of the Day™ today; everyone (not just Alliance members) check this out and tell me it’s a good idea. If you write a blog or read a blog, maybe you can help fight an important front of our war on terror.
I’ve Got a Few Minutes Left of Lunch Time… Let’s See How Quick I Can Come Up with a Top Ten List!
TOP TEN WESLEY CLARK CAMPAIGN SLOGANS
10. I’m a general and a Democrat… isn’t that wacky!
9. My day-to-day views on the war on Iraq are like a box of chocolates – you’ll never know what you’re going to get.
8. You don’t know me, but I don’t know you, so we’re even.
7. Pay no attention to the Clintons behind the curtain.
6. I admit it; Arnold Schwarzenegger bribed me to run to make him look decisive on issues.
5. I helped fight in Kosovo. Yeah, Kosovo. Oh, come on! You remember that conflict. It wasn’t that long ago.
4. Support me because I would have voted “Nes” on Iraq.
3. I nearly started World War III. What other candidate has that much pull?
2. My stance on that very important issue is… Hey! Look! I can do a handstand!
And the number one Wesley Clark campaign slogan…
Because I’m not one of those nine other guys.
Okay, so that was a lot of variations of the same joke. But there’s the problem: none of us know that much about him.
Yet he leads in the polls. Heh heh.
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Gen. Clark, Aschcroft vs. Reno, South-Paws, and… uh…. Stuff
- So this General Wesley Clark enters the race and no one’s heard of him, but suddenly he’s the front-runner. That must make the other Democrat candidates feel pretty low. Sounds like Jojo the Democrat monkey could be the front runner if he entered the race and there was some buzz that he could beat Bush.
- Bill and Hillary Clinton seem to be lurking behind Wesley Clark, so you know the darkest of evil must be involved. I don’t know how Clark’s nomination could lead to the downfall of man, but you can bet this intrepid blogger will keep on the story until some new videogame comes out.
- Wesley Clark reportedly said he would have been a Republican if Karl Rove had only returned his phone call. That’s pretty whiny sounding, which makes him a Democrat. Rove should call Clark now and say, “Here’s your callback, bitch,” and then hang up.
- Some poll says Clark is tied with Bush. Are there really that many mindless Bush haters to make that possible? What we need to do is put out a bunch of shiny objects on Election Day to distract those people from voting.
- Bush is going to address the U.N. today about getting help on Iraq. He should bring a bat. Anyone speaks out of turn – POW! – they get the bat. A lot of people at the U.N. are foreign and thus don’t know American ways, so Bush should familiarize them.
- Aschroft is really mean to criminals, telling prosecutors to always charge criminals with maximum crimes and penalties. This is in contrast to Janet Reno who gave prosecutors much more leniency. Then again, she did burn people alive and take little Cuban kids prisoner at the gunpoint of an MP5 submachine gun. So, that’s not exactly lenient, especially if you’re a little Cuban kid.
- To tell you the truth, I lost most interest in the Elian Gonzales incident when I found out he wasn’t related to Speedy.
- BTW, I really hate left-handed people. They always seemed like weird-ass mutants to me. I’d always find all the left handed desks in a classroom and engrave in it with a switchblade, “YOU’RE NOT WANTED HERE, SINISTER ONE!”
- Okay, I made that last thing up. I’m having trouble finding news stories to comment on.
- Apparently there was some hurricane that hit some place, but not here where I am in Florida. It didn’t even rain, and I’m like right next to the coast. I’m wondering if all these hurricanes are just a myth, because I’ve yet to see one.
- There are supposed to be shark attacks down here too, but I’ve yet to see one of those either. Then again, I never bother to go to the beach. You probably won’t find many at the Wal-Mart.
- I’ve also yet to see an alligator in the wild, even though like everyone here has alligator story. When I do see one, I hope I have my .45 on me that day. That’s right, alligator, just keep on moving, or I won’t be seeing you later.
- The Florida Gators (who just lost to the Puppy Blender’s Tennessee Volunteers) put out a press booklet with what was supposed to be a picture of a fierce alligator, but instead it was a crocodile. What percentage of the population do you think would be able to correctly identify a crocodile from an alligator? I know I’m not one of them.
- I’m think I’m out of things to say, but the fingers won’t stop typing. Mmm… coffee.
- Damn, I just can’t think of anything more, but I have some great ideas for the In My World™ tomorrow. I also, once again, forgot to prep some questions for Frank Answers™ this afternoon, but maybe I can come up with another quick little post if I have time at lunch. BTW, I want to start looking for an agent for my humor writing; anyone know how to go about that?
Links of the Day
First off, thanks for the tips so far on my html. I’m not going to have time until tomorrow after work, though, to fool around and see what works. I’ll also then add more quotes to my random quote thingy. It’ll be the bestest thing ever!
Matt Margolis has a great post about Howard Dean and abortion politics. (thanks to Emperor Misha I for pointing me to it)
Speaking of Misha, he has a nice post about squishy terrorist. Send out the Corrie Crushers!
John Hawkins has a list of favorite political websites as picked by right-of-center bloggers (including me). Look at the overrated guy at number 2. Bah! He was fourth on my list. Hey, where am I?
Also, Right Wing News pointed me to this funny exercise: photoshopping the cover of Al Franken’s book. Here is my favorite posted by a cain382:
I had some ideas myself. One would be to replace Fraken’s picture with a pirate and entitle it:
Arrr’s and the Arrring Arrrers Who Arrr Them – A Fair and Balanced Look at Pirates
Another would be to keep the Fraken picture and change the text to:
Someone Please Punch Me in the Face! I’m Begging You! – Mindless Polemics from a Fairly Unbalanced Liberal
If only there were more hours in the day. Hey, we should start a movement to slow down the rotation of the earth to make that so! I’m pretty sure there wouldn’t be any side effects.
Frank J. doesn’t like monkeys; Brian J. doesn’t like kangaroos. Is there some pattern here?
Chief Wiggles wants toys for Iraqi children, but all the cool ones aren’t allowed. Can they use X-Boxes there?
CNNSI takes on gun violence. hooray!
Blackfive takes on gays in the military… maybe I stated that wrong. Anyway, it’s another one of his patented awesome anecdotes. He’s either making these up and needs to write a novel, or he really had all the hilarious stuff happens to him and he needs to write a biography.
Random Quotes!
I was going through my quotes trying to come up with idea for the next t-shirt, when I had the idea to put them in a list with a link to the post they came from. So now, at the top of the page, there will be random quotes from my posts. Since I just thought of it last night, I only have 28 right now, but, as soon as I have time, I’ll add so many that you’ll never be able to see them all, no matter how much you reload. Muh ha ha ha!
I have a few problems, though. I don’t know how to put regular quotes (“) in those quotes and have to use single quotes instead. Also, as has been a problem with my page for a long time, the color for links is just to dark to go against the blackground. I just don’t know how to use one color for in the post and another for on the sidebar. Anyone know a line I can add to this part to separately set the link color for my sidebar?
.side {
font-family:verdana, arial, sans-serif;
color:#555;
font-size:12px;
font-weight:normal;
background:#000;
line-height:14px;
padding:2px;
}
Anyhoo, if you want quotes on your site you can add this to your template:
<script type=”text/javascript” src=”http://www.imao.us/docs/quotes.txt”></script>
UPDATE: Got answers to most my questions, but I really need to find out how to change the link color for just my sidebar; that’s a problem that plagued my website for sometime now.