It has been reported that a monkey with a blue scrotum is on the loose. Because of the great concern of this to my readers — especially in light of the recent rampaging chimp incident — I decided to write an FAQ.
BLUE SCROTUM MONKEY FAQ
Q. How much concern should I have that a monkey with a blue scrotum is on the loose
A. This monkey has been rated an orange level threat by the Monkey Threat Index for its tendency to gnaw on a person’s face or genitals when confused or scared and because it has a bright colored scrotum.
Q. What would rate a red rating?
A. Massive size and climbing a famous building.
Q. The monkey escaped from a zoo in Seattle and I live in Alabama. Does this concern me?
A. Yes it does. Monkeys are smart enough to buy plane or bus tickets, so it could be anywhere by now.
Q. What do I do if I see a monkey with a blue scrotum?
A. Immediately contact authorities or kill it with a hammer.
Q. What if I see a monkey with a purple scrotum?
A. Purples scrotum monkeys are common and harmless. Don’t waste our time with sighting of purple scrotum monkeys, homo.
Q. Well, that was uncalled for.
A. There is a blue scrotum monkey on the loose! We don’t have time for your feelings, Nancy!
Q. What kind of monkey is it?
A. An angry one. With a blue scrotum. And possibly a small caliber revolver.
Q. No, I mean what species is it?
A. Do you want to know its hopes and dreams too? It’s an angry monkey on the loose; what else do you need to know about it? What its favorite color is?
Q. Is it blue?
A. Obviously.
Q. Should I be concerned when I call authorities and mention a monkey, they could take it as a racist statement?
A. Don’t worry; the blue scrotum monkey sighting hotline is completely anonymous, cracker.
Q. Anything else I should know?
A. If the monkey’s scrotum starts flashing red, that means he is about to explode. Seek cover.
Just sounds like another “Gay Day” at Disney.
A blue-scrotumed monkey obviously needs to get laid. If you see it, just hand it a condom and point it in the direction of the nearest PETArd office. Also, we hear that Rosie O’Donuts is available these days. No, wait. She’s only into monkeys with blue labia. Nevermind.
This is, uh, due to the failed policies of the past eight years which have caused us to fall so low in world opinion and not take care of the least of these. You can’t just listen to Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Mark Levin and pretend that is bipartisanship. Doing nothing is not an option. If we do nothing, as Republicans want to do, we could, uh, reach a downward spiral we could not get out of.
So I am directing the Joint Chiefs of Staff to contact and escort all of the blue scrotum monkeys to special retraining centers, located across the country and staffed with community development coordination specialty leadership advisers. These community development coordination specialty leadership advisers will develop specially coordinated leadership advice in the communities hardest hit with the problem, to keep the problem from spiraling out of control.
In this way, uh, we will recover from the failed policies of the past eight years which have caused us to fall so low in world opinion and not take care of the least of these.
Never mind….the it was only President Chimpdemzee mistaken for blue scotum monkey. ( alls fair after 8 years of GW Bush being compared to an ape )
More FAQ questions are coming in…
When it starts flashing, how long do I have before it attacks? I mean, what’s my drop-dead time?
Is there any truth to the rumor that the blue-scrotumed monkey is already hanging out with Seattle’s blue-scrotumed, Democrat Mayor, Greg Nickels? Does the Mayor know how to handle the Blue Scrotum?
Is the monkey’s penis also blue, or is that asking too much – a bit of a stretch, as it were?
I’m worried about the monkey’s habitat. Why have all the original Blue Scrotums disappeared in the Northwest and the remainder are testicle-free, liberal mutants confined to cities like Seattle and Tacoma?
Is it true that male Zoo patrons were asked to leave after police checked THEIR scrotums but the Democrats present refused?
IF he finds a girl monkey and has his way with her, will he still be a threat? It has to be asked…
Maybe you Scrotum Smokers wish to fixate on this particular part of a monkeye…myself being a manly man’s man, I shall never look on, discuss or think about such things! I’m just a racist, coward bitter clinger…
If it had escaped in Alaska, Ashley Judd would be demanding that it be given a bullet-proof umbrella.
Isn’t there already a Scary Monkey in Alabama? Say, one from the outer reaches of space? I think he could take down ole’ Blue Balls if the threat presented itself.
Hey, how come we haven’t heard from Evil Scary Monkey on this?
Probably busy aiding and abetting.
Had a freind accidently take a hit in the male naughty bits with a 20,000 volt stun gun. (In church, no less. Long story) I wonder if the same had happenned to our blue swollen simian pal. That would make me angry , too.
STORM19111,
I don’t want the whole story, but what is your denomination? Were you trying to raise the dead or something?
I as the Real, Original One object in the strongest (but inoffensive and without condition) terms to: 1) this fallacious impersonator in post #3 (Joe Biden, is that you, my square-hip, full-Caucasian, campaign brotha?)…and 2) all this jibba-jabba about blue scrotum-ed monkeys. If I recall correctly (and occasionally I do) my brotha-in-law, and his team from Oregon State, were nowheres near Seattle at the time.
At this time, due to an outbreak of unchecked racism, I shall be directing my main man Rahm to establish an executive-level committee to review these outbreaks, seek funding from the honorable misters Reid and Pelosi, and after completion of a substantial “White Paper” (which we will call a Honkey-Hatin’ Paper) we will obtain funding to provide every citizen their own dashiki and 20 X 36 inch black and white photo of Biggie Smalls just to redistribute a li’l love.
I’m guessing it’s a youth group story. The denomination is probably irrelevant. Crazy stuff happens in youth groups.
That was in response to Herpules.
Just to be safe, I am going to load and put a couple of guns under my bed. Of course, I might have to take a couple of the ones, already under there, out to make room.
Ok this particular monkey as I understand it will gnaw and gnash at your hands and genitals but doesn’t have the tendency to rip your face off? What about eating human flesh? I read that other day the 7 out of 10 Grizzly Bears recently polled prefer eating human flesh over all other types, including chicken. Is this an epidemic now of human flesh eating with other animals and the first sign of evidence outside of Grizzlies is with chimpanzees? Frank this needs to be disclosed about this monkey with the blue twins. And is there another tack outside of using a hammer or other blunt objects to kill it? I’m very sensitive to killing animals which are enraged and prefer to kill animals who are completely unsuspecting of my intentions; that way I catch them off guard and their faces are priceless, truly. That being said I would like to know if I do come into contact with this monkey, can I sedate it with some green tea and Xanax, or Valium or other type of opiate? Send wisdom.
Thanks,
TS
Herpules, Storms church just thought his “friend” had taken that spread forth and multiply thing a little far. Raise the dead? Hah. more like kill the Beast.
And if I had a nickle for every time I was covered with ‘sploded monkey nads this “stimulus bill” problem could be payed for with the pocket change I get back from my dry cleaners. Worse than a Rave party at Barney Frank’s house when they run out of Viagra here sometimes.
‘
The question that everyone has been dancing around and not answering is, if we kill the Blue Scrotemed monkey with a hammer, who will write the next large government expediture bill, who will sign the lastest porkulous budget into law, and where can we get the hammer?
Everyone is comparing Obama or Dick Holder to a monkey and think its racist. The fact is both of them are ONLY being compared to the blue scrotum part. The rest of the monkey is being discounted.
#21, he heh, he said holder, he heh.
I was surprised when I heard that one’s Attorney General was dick holder, I thought they were talking a bout a congradulatory gift from barney frank.
I am outraged— Comparing THE OBAMA to a “blue monkey scrotum’ Is an insult ! Blue monkey scrotums are a much higher form of life.
I think we should start calling him ‘The Obama’, similar to Trump being called ‘The Donald’. Thoughts anyone?
Usefully,
TS
Sheesh! It didn’t take long for Obama to break did it and all in the first 100 days.
This sounds like a job for MILSPECMONKEY!
It was a small church. Both the zapper and zappee were freinds of mine. The zapper was a security guard who had come to service just off of work. The two were playing with the zapper’s new stun gun when the zapping took place. The jokes went on for years. I made up a letterhead from the weather service asking the zappee about his knowledge of ball lightning. We joked that the church should become a Zaptist church. Our pastor asked the zappee if he needed a ride OHM. The pastor also stated the entire incident was reVOLTing. As I said, the jokes went on for years.