With volcanoes in the news lately, I thought I’d do a Know Thy Enemy on them. Then I found out I already did one. Well, Science! has advanced a lot since then and numerous more facts are known about volcanoes, so I had my crack research team come up with an even more comprehensive list of what we know about volcanoes:
FUN FACTS ABOUT VOLCANOES
* Volcanoes erupt when, deep within the earth, deposits of baking soda mix with deposits of vinegar.
* Volcanoes are like mountains… but with a gooey center!
* What a volcano kills most people with is its lava… or is it its smoke. Well, whatever it is, just stay the hell away from whatever comes out of a volcano.
* Iceland names their volcanoes by repeatedly smashing their palm into a keyboard.
* Where lava comes from is deep within the earth. If you dig a lot, after getting through the dirt, you’ll hit hot magma. And then China.
* If you dig a hole that flows magma into China, the Chinese will get angry. Stupid Commies.
* Scientists say that global warming can cause volcanoes. If you think that’s idiotic, Science! has also proved that global warming causes idiotic scientific arguments, so bad Science! is even more proof of global warming, stupids!
* Many islands have volcanoes. This is much more dramatic because then you can’t just drive away from the slowly moving magma.
* Volcanoes can easily shut down air travel any time they want, which is why most volcanoes are on the “No Fly” list.
* I’d hope on a normal day, though, they still wouldn’t let someone named Eyjafjallajökull on a plane.
* To stop a volcano, throw a virgin in it. Sluts only make it angrier.
* Volcanoes can contribute to mass extinction events, so if you see lots of animals around you dying and can’t figure out why, the killer is probably either a volcano or a butler.
* A volcanic explosion puts a huge amount of pollution into the air, making it comparable to Al Gore.
* If the volcano you see is hollowed out, look out for evil geniuses.
* If you see a lava flow coming towards you, jump! Maybe it will cool to regular harmless rock before you hit the ground.
* Childhood obesity is another cause of volcanic eruptions. I’m not sure how, but I just really hate fat kids and I’m pretty sure volcanoes do to.
* Extremely large volcanoes capable of causing mass extinction events are called “supervolcaoes”. Volcanoes capable of climbing walls and sensing danger are called “spider-volcanoes”.
* The reason things get so hot within the earth is because the earth is spinning. To demonstrate this effect, spin around really fast and then take your temperature.
* In a fight between a volcano and Aquaman, the exact results of the fight wouldn’t be known until ten thousand years later when Aquaman’s remains are unearthed from the rock.
* If you think you see an erupting volcano, call the police. Someone should know about it.
* A volcano can explode with far more power than a nuclear bomb, and yet the earth refuses to take part in disarmament talks.
* Whatever you do, don’t let your kids play on a volcano’s edge unless it has railing.
* The Roman god most closely associated with volcanoes is Vulcan, god of logic and bowl haircuts.
* The site of Yellowstone National Park was once a giant volcano. If that ever goes off again, expect park services to ask for more money. They’re always looking for an excuse to ask for more money.
Muhammad’s other daughter was named Eyjafjallajökull, and her mother was that nine-year-old that the Prophet (blessed be his stinking hide) impregnated because, Allahdammit, he was a prophet and he could. Bring’em Young, he said. No wait, that was in Utah. Anyway, because of the shame of Hagar (famous for her handmade trousers) and Ishmail (slower than Snailmail but much angrier), Allah created volcanoes as throwing places for unworthy females. Hawaiian Muslims, such as Al-Kamehameha, made the custom famous, and there you have it.
* If a Vol from the University of Tennessee marries a ‘Cane from Miami, their children are Volcanos.
I went all day on Sunday, May 18, 1980 before realizing that the huge complex of clouds in the southeast sky wasn’t a big thunderstorm. It was Mount St. Helens. (Actually, I needed the radio to find out.)
At least our volcano names are pronounceable. And, they’re “Godly.”
Eyjafjallajökull ? Do they have one named Gorebulluppayöurkeisterfull ?
* If my dog bites someone, I am responsible for the damages. Likewise, Iceland is responsible for the damage its volcano has caused.
* If Iceland isn’t punished for its volcano, what’s to stop them from doing it again?
* Volcanoes aren’t all bad. Iceland is the only country in the world that has made its own heated beach on the ocean.
I once dated a woman from Iceland. She made fun of the English language. Needless to say, that relationship did not last.
Found interesting photos of Iceland’s volcano.
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2010/04/photogalleries/100419-iceland-volcano-lightning-ash-pictures/#iceland-volcano-lightning-5_19117_600x450.jpg
My light bulb is destroying the earth, however, libs were quick to say that this massive volcano eruption would have no effect on global warming.
The volcano murdered Miss Purple in the study with a candle stick.
IMAO being a PG site, I dare not make any comments comparing the hot, oozing, toxic, stinky slimy molten slag seeping out of volcnoes and democrat body orfices. Especailly their mouths at a press confrence.
The Science!tists really are claiming global warming causes volcanic eruptions with more twisted bat logic than Bill Clinton explaining a night on the town.
Vuilcan is also the god of bad sinnging, like the “Ballad of Bilboe Baggins”.
If most volcanos are islands, can’t we just tip them over?
Why is it that Iceland gets a pass on their volcano spewing thousands of cubic miles of toxic gases into the atmosphere, but the environmentalists are still giving me dirty looks because I drive a little SUV that spews about as much emissions as a healthy cow?
Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi has stated in a recent sermon to the faithful that it has been reveled to him by ‘divine authority’ that earthquakes are caused by… “Women who do not dress modestly, they lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which consequently increases earthquakes.” So…what more evidence do we need? And…if women (who don’t dress modestly) cause earthquakes, does it not also follow that they cause volcanoes to become active? Therefore I suggest the only way to solve the problem of Eyjafjallajökull is to force all Icelandic women to wear burkas.
If you’re bitten by a volcano, do you become one?
And I thought the proper defense was to “stop, drop and roll”.
Or did South Park lie to me again?
One last thought…just for the record, I’d rather ride on a plane with someone named Eyjafjallajökull then with someone named Mohammed.
What happens if the only virgin available to throw into the volcano is obese?
I blame Obama. He made this remark after signing Obamacare into law:
“I looked to the ground to see if cracks had opened up in the earth”.
Gaia may be a lefty loon, but she does have a sense of humor.
“What happens if the only virgin available to throw into the volcano is obese?”
Maybe she will plug up the crater.
#15
If that happens you may end up with a hugh mexicanon type device. How do you plan to aim it.
These stupid volcanoes are really harshing our groove. I say we start nuking them. Whenever the next volcano starts getting uppity, put a great big H-bomb right down its snout and just blow it to Kingdom Come. That’ll serve as a warning to all the other stupid volcanoes. “Suck on that, Pinatubo. Oh, and shut the f*** up, Yellowstone Caldera, or we’ll nuke you next.” Caldera: “Umm, sorry, my bad…”
I hear people talking about “Oh, volcanoes are so powerful, one volcano is more powerful than X number of nuclear bombs”, but that kind of talk is just really stupid. We can make some really gigantic thermonuclear bombs if we want to; didn’t anyone ever see “Dr. Strangelove”? Anyway, I’m sure all of our really smart scientists can figure out a way to outdo some idiotic mountain that’s full of magma and doesn’t even have a brain really.
I’m proof of global warming? Aw, crap.