I am into my second day of internet darkness by now. No new memes to see but many to post. Let this little bit of FrankJ illumminate you in these dark times.

A Frank Guide to Cats (Illustrated)

All you need to know about cats (with pictures)

FRANK J. FLEMING

MAY 22, 2024

I’ve always been a dog person, but my wife loves cats, so I’ve had to get used to them. They at first confused me versus a dog, but now having been around them so long, I think I understand cats pretty well. Thus, I decided to make this guide so you, too, can unravel the mystery.

A Frank Guide to Cats

Domestication

The common house cat is also known as the “domesticated” cat, but this is a misnomer. When dogs were domesticated, they were given a friendly, loving demeanor. Thus, you could have a dog the same size as a wolf but don’t have to fear it. But if you ever saw a house cat the size of a wolf, you would run for your shotgun because you know that thing would kill you.

Cats were never domesticated. They were simply made smaller. If they were any larger, you would be dead.

Hidden Blades

Look at this cat’s paw. Cute and fluffy, isn’t it?

But this is a lie. The cut little paw is full of blades for killing.

It also keeps more blades in its mouth.

The typical cat is full of blades. It’s all those apples full of razors we were warned about at Halloween, but it’s fluffy.

Sounds They Make

Cats also make sounds. One common sound is “Mao” as in Chairman Mao who murdered and starved millions.

Why do they say “Mao”? To get our attention. They know we don’t like Chairman Mao, so they mock us with his name.

Another sound cats make is the purr. It’s this intense vibrating sound. It is unknown what in the cat is vibrating, though. Perhaps a motor. Maybe they are all robots. Scientists are unsure as they don’t like to get close to cats because of all the hidden blades.

Agility

It is a well known fact that a cat dropped from any height will always land on its feet.

Scientists have determined the reason a cat always lands on its feet is because long ago, it made a deal with the devil that’s why a cat’s eye’s resemble those of a snake, the devil’s animal.

The snake’s influence is also seen in a cat’s tail which behaves very much like a snake.

Ears

A cat’s ears are used for hearing, shaped in cups to pick up sound waves.

There is in fact nothing at all special about a cat’s ears. I don’t know why I devoted an entire section to this. I’m wasting everyone’s time. Sorry.

Expressions

When I first got a cat, the biggest problem I had with it over a dog is it only seemed to have one expression. Was the cat happy? Sad? Playful? Angry? I couldn’t tell because it only ever had the same expression.

I eventually realized I had seen that blank expression on other animals. In fact every animal has a similar expression: The intense blank expression an animal has when it’s ready to kill.

Scientists now believe cats can have other expressions, such as joy; they just choose not to. Instead, they spend every waking hour ready to kill at any moment, hence the constant death mask. So when a cat is looking at you like that, it is ready to kill you. It’s just waiting for you to get a little smaller first.

Well, that’s all I know about cats. I hope this was informative! If you see any cats larger than regular house cat size, please contact the authorities.

Once again, it’s time for my wisdom. Sit back, read, and be ensmartened.
Gunga asks:
If two women came to you and both claimed to be the mother of the same baby, how would you resolve the conflict?
I’d put the baby up for auction on eBay. Obviously, the real mother would love the baby more and be the highest bidder. Even if it doesn’t play out that way, I should at least make a decent profit.
Serious bidders only, please.
SkyeChild writes:
Who’s on first?
Exactly!
Son of Bob asks:
Was Bill Clinton really the President of the United States or were my friends just playing a really sick joke?
It’s a bit of both, really. Practical jokes can be funny, but that one did go a bit far. At least, generations from now, people should be able to read in their history books about those eight years and laugh… and they may need a laugh with all the mutant cyborgs destroying everything.
Nick asks:
Where are you going to get new readers from if we don’t ask good enough questions?
Probably the mall. There are lots of people at the mall.
GEBIV writes:
Do you have any plans for nuking any of the other planets’ moons? I mean Phobos and Deimos are puny little things that hardly have the right to be called moons anyways… hmmmm…. did I just stumble into the real reason for the NASA Mars plans?
I like Phobos and Deimos. They’re where the Doom computer games took place. Also, they don’t conform to the boring, unoriginal round shape like most other natural satellites. Plus, Phobos is daring, orbiting Mars closer than any other moon in our solar system. Were you to stand on Phobos and look at Mars, it would take up one quarter of the sky. Now that would be a cool sight.
So Phobos and Deimos are cool, and there is not strategic advantage to nuking them. Thus, your question is stupid and so are you.
Sherry L. asks:
How many Jihadists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They don’t change light bulbs. They just shake their fists in the darkness while blaming the “joooos” for their misfortune. Then, unable to see, one stumbles and accidentally sets off one of their bombs, killing them all. It’s not really a punch line, but it’s still funny.
Scott R asks:
What is the cube root of tapioca?
That’s it; I’m going to the mall.
If you have questions for me (good ones) put them in the comments or stand by the Orange Julius and shout them at me as I walk by.

You have question and I have answers. It’s like we were meant to be together.
Chris S. asks:
Can a normal sized mouse beat up a small bird (e.g. a blue jay)?
Have a little pride in you own Class, man. When you have Mammalia versus Aves or whatever, bet on the Mammalia.
If you ever watched a mouse fight a blue jay, the way it usually works is the mouse will surprise the bird by jumping on its back, knocking the blue jay to the ground. The mouse will then slam the bird’s head over and over into the pavement until there’s nothing left but blood and feathers.
Mice can be vicious if they’re not taking their meds.
Scott R asks:
Does your dog bite?
My pit-bull mix Rowdi doesn’t bite. She hugs… with her mouth.
Brian the Adequate asks:
Will you (unlike a certain Duck we know) actually answer these questions? Will you ever force the Duck to do the same?
I’ll answer some questions. I may know all, but I don’t have time to tell all. As for Ducky, Ducky does what Ducky wants to do. If I try to force him into something, he may get violent. Not necessarily against me, but he will harm people.
Don’t taunt the Duck.
QUINN asks:
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck was Chuck Norris?
All of it. A Chuck Norris woodchuck would chuck all wood with a single roundhouse kick, and forever after there would be no more chucking of wood… by woodchucks or any others.
Laurence Simon asks:
Ever punched a head of lettuce?
Of course. I’m not actually sure what other use there is for a head of lettuce. I hear some people use them to make “salads”, but what “those kind of people” do in the privacy of their own homes is no business of mine.
Francesco Poli writes:
If I ask nicely, will you petition the US government to bomb the Communist HQ here in Italy?
You don’t even have to ask nicely. Just mention the words “Communist” and “headquarters”, and I’ll soon be calling my Congressman telling him what I want bombed if he wants to count on my vote.
spacemonkey writes:
If questions were doughnuts…or raisins… ok, I don’t have a question.
You just wasted my time, spacemonkey. Time to dock your pay again.
Well, sons of whores, that’s all the wisdom you get for now. I have a big backlog of questions, but, if you want to ask some more, just put them in the comments.

When we last saw Frank Answers™, it had left for Krypton to search for others like it. Finding nothing, it has returned to Earth to answer more questions… questions posed to Frank that need answers in a segment called…
Frank Answers™!
George S. of Vanuatu: The Happiest Place on Earth writes:
Why don’t you start doing Frank Answers again?
If we could genetically alter our skin to contain chlorophyll, could we live without eating? Would Frito-Lay go belly up (so to speak)? And would that put us in league with the lefto-weenies who are doing their “rolling fast” to protest us choosing Iraq as a battlefield against terrorists?
Would an army of clones be unusually susceptible to a genetically tailored disease?
If you resurrect Frank Answers, can I have the first question? All of the first set of questions? I promise I won’t even mention monkeys…OOPS!
Well, Georgie, the reason I didn’t do Frank Answers™ anymore was that, until now, no one asked. But it is asked and it shall be done.
If you altered your skin to contain chlorophyll or any other type of phyll, you’d still need water and nutrients to produce energy (along with carbon dioxide). Thus, you’d probably have to take vitamins. Taking vitamins is usually considered not to be fasting, as the first thing Gandhi would do when he ended a fast was eat a whole handful of Flintstone vitamins. When I was in preschool, I once stole the Flintstone vitamins (assisted by my little sister — ooh! I have to review her move soon!) and ate a ton of them. Poison control said I had to drink lots of water the rest of the day. If I had chlorophyll, that would have been a perfectly normal day.
Yes, on the resurrection of Frank Answers™, you get the first set of questions. Now on to better ones!

Continue reading ‘Frank Answers Returns’ »

Liberal blogger Kevin Drum posed what he considered to be some tough questions to conservatives. I forgot which site I first saw these on (which is a shame because it had some great answers and questions for Drum), but John Hawkins has some answers along with links to other bloggers with answers.
Here are my answers to the questions.
1) Considering how Iraq has gone so far, do you still think that American military power is a good way to promote tolerance and democracy in the Middle East? Has your position on this changed in any way over the past two years?
As for the first part, sure, why not. Where has it gone wrong? The military is great at killing people, and all those who are intolerant and undemocratic can simply be eliminated. How would you spread it? Well-worded pamphlets?
As for the second part, no, but I haven’t really been paying attention to the news. What’s happened?
2) Shortly after 9/11, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson said publicly that they thought the attacks were well-deserved retribution from God in response to moral decay — as personified by gays, feminists, the ACLU, and NOW. Do you worry that Falwell and Robertson are identified by many as the face of the Republican party? Do you think President Bush has sufficiently distanced himself from them and their followers?
I remember Paul Begala making the specious statement that no conservative denounced Falwell when every single conservative I know or read or watch had denounced them. I do worry about them being the faces of the Republican Party because their faces are droopy. Instead, we should have Arnold be our face since he shows a powerful physique. That’s also why I would be a good face for the Republican Party.
As for the second part, I’d need to know how much money they and their followers have before I answer that.
3) Is democracy promotion really one of your core concerns? Just how far are you willing to go to demonstrate your credibility on this subject? Note: President Bush’s policy toward either Pakistan or Saudi Arabia would be excellent case studies to bring this question to life.
Eh, democracy is okay, but liberty is better. As for how far am I willing to go to show my credibility on that subject, I’ll swallow five goldfish.
4) On a related note, which do you think is more important to the Bush administration in the short term: preservation of a stable oil supply from the Middle East or spreading freedom and liberty throughout the region? Would you be interested in seeing the records of Dick Cheney’s 2001 energy task force to verify this? Please be extra honest with this question.
I’m starting to not like this “spreading freedom” phrase. It makes it seem like freedom is a virus or peanut butter. That also raises the question that, if freedom were peanut butter, would it be smooth or chunky? I say chunky.
But I digress. I say oil is more important to the Bush administration… or at least I hope it is. Ever try running your car on a democratic Middle East?
5) A substantial part of the Christian right opposes any compromise with Palestinians because they believe that Jewish domination of the region west of the Jordan River is a precondition for the Second Coming. Is this a reasonable belief? Or do you think these people qualify as loons who should be purged from the Republican party?
Who is doing what now?
I’m a Christian (well, a Catholic, which is pretty close) and I’ve talked to lots of Christians, and I’ve never heard of this before. Which cheaply printed conspiracy newsletters are you getting this from?
And what’s this talk of “purging.” You’re starting to sound like a Nazi, Drum.
Quick! Behind you! A Christian!
I’m just kidding, Drum. Sorry I made you soil your pants. Seriously, though, I’m more scared of the joooos. I have it on good authority they control everything. It’s in one of the same newsletters you’re reading.
6) Yes or no: do you think we should invade Iran if it becomes clear — despite our best efforts — that they are continuing to build nuclear weapons? If this requires a military draft, would you be in favor?
Man, I’m for invading countries for any reasons – real or imagined. The second part of your question is weird, though. How could a draft be “required” to do something? You better not let my brother and his Marine buddies to hear that.
“Kevin Drum said you Marines are a big bunch of pussies who can’t handle invading Iran yourself.”
“He said WHAT?!”
7) If President Bush decides to substantially draw down our troop presence in Iraq after the January 30 elections, will you support that decision? Please answer this question prior to January 30.
Wow, I have until the 29th to answer this? I’ll get back to you then.
8) Would you agree that people who accept Laurie Mylroie’s crackpot theories about Saddam Hussein’s involvement in 9/11 might be taking the threat of terrorism a little too seriously? What do you think should be done with them?
Who the hell is Laurie Mylroie? Did you make her up? For the liberals, everyone has heard of your crackpots; hell, they even get nominated for People’s Choice Awards.
And what with this “What do you think should be done with them?” Sounds like more Nazi talk to me. They should be rounded up into camps – is that what you want to hear, Drum?
Now, I have two tough questions for Kevin Drum:
1) Why are you such a dingus?
2) Seriously, though, why?
Actually, Kevin Drum is one of my favorite liberal bloggers. I can actually read him without constantly thinking, “Is this guy @%&$ nuts?” Still, these questions demonstrate he needs to get out more.
UPDATE: Dean’s World was where I first saw this (checked Drum’s trackbacks to find him). Check him out for more serious answers and some great questions back at Drum.

Pat B. writes:
The hordes that use Instant Messengers are well, for the most part ignorant. No, not you, don’t worry. But I was curious as to your preferred client? If you answer with “Trillian” I will love you forever (In a manly, respectful way).
What in God’s name is Trillian? I use AIM, but I turn it off a lot because people are always using it to IM me which is really annoying. I got stuff to do, people! I don’t have time to chat with smiley faces and what not. Sheesh…
lottiedottie writes:
As I was driving through town today, I saw that Democrats had established a campaign center. Here! In my town! I’m so disappointed to know that some of my neighbors might have some of those nasty tendencies. So I am wondering what you would suggest I do to combat this heinous incursion. Would it be appropriate to hire ninjas to break in during the cover of night and steal all their propaganda and leave monkeys to tend the shop? I realize that by doing so I would be inviting evil of another kind into my hometown, but wouldn’t this be the lesser of two evils?
P.S. Do you think that it is possible that the Kerry campaign workers are really monkeys in disguise?
As for your P.S., the DNC doesn’t disguise their monkeys.
Anyway, having a Democrat infestation can be annoying, but it’s no reason for ninja shenanigans. Just go to pest control and have them isolate and spray the place. Any remaining Democrats should be destroyed by stamping.
The Bear writes:
As technically I live in the Dominion of Canada, when is the United States (on orders from Secretary of War Frank J.) going to dominate this country and rid us of our oppressors, the Liberal Party of Canada?
I pride myself in being completely ignorant of the politics in all other countries, so I’m not quite familiar with your problem. By my understanding, Canada basically has a one party system that keeps power through a sham democracy. We in America are quite busy bringing freedom elsewhere, so you may be better off trying to handle things yourself. It’s not like your Liberal Party murders dissenters or cut off hands (do they?), so I bet they could be overthrown with a mild (but violent) coup. Why don’t you get working on that, and maybe Canada will then be interesting enough to make the news for a change.
Vegesigo from Birmingham, AL writes:
I can understand your general hatred of monkeys, however, I was watching Lion King last night with my daughter and realized that the monkey in it is quite awesome. He is by far the wisest of all of the animals, is a bit mystical, and knows martial arts. What say you on this?
That monkey is the most dangerous of all, as he makes monkeys look cool. This can have horrible monkey influence on your daughter that may be hard to deprogram. Instead, have her watch a monkey-free movie of good American values such as Die Hard.
The All-Powerful LEM writes:
Hey, Frank! I gots a question for you.
Good. Otherwise you’d be wasting my time.
If I were to convert an automatic baseball pitching machine into a ninja-star throwing Assembly of Death, would the U.S. government buy the patent from me? Since you’re so smart and worldly, I bet you have better judgement on matters like this than I do.
If you don’t think the government already has a machine to automatically throw ninja-stars, you’re a fool. A FOOL!
Their device can throw knives, rocks, and hamsters too.
Sorry to shatter your dream, but, if you break into government buildings and read their secret weapons files, you could save yourself a lot of time in the future.

If you’ve got questions, I’ve got answers… maybe even answers to your questions. E-mail me your questions about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject “Frank Answers”. Include the name you want to be referred by, your town, and URL if you have one.

Turkeyhead asks:
Is it true that nougat can be chemically altered into symtex with the use of specific enzymes from monkey spit? Is that why they don’t sell Mars® bars at zoos, because that would make the monkey doodie highly explosive?
That’s only half true.
Noah, aka Tsymyn, writes:
During the Cold War, at the height of the Cuban Missile Crisis, there were many sightings of UFOs over the White House and the Kremlin, leading many to speculate that alien ambassadors had visited both superpowers, preventing a nuclear holocaust. If there is a race of compassionate aliens determined to avert horrible disasters on earth, will they prevent the potential upcoming downfall of the United States of America by A. Restoring sanity to liberals with their mind rays, thereby making them conservatives who will vote for Bush, or B. Vaporizing Kerry with their precision death rays?
U.S. policy has always been to immediately kill any aliens and give them an autopsy while poorly filming it. If the aliens are going to have any effect on the election, it will be while their organs reside in individual, marked jars.
El Jefe writes:
Since Virginia is an open-carry state now, how should I go about wearing my .45 while shooting pool? Hip or shoulder holster? You know, just in case someone starts crying, “Foul!” when it really wasn’t a foul and I don’t want to give the liberal cry-baby hippy-tard ball-in-hand.
First off, shoulder holsters with a horizontal draw are just rude in an open carry situation, as your gun will be pointing at anyone behind you. Also, any shoulder holster is likely to get in the way while playing pool, making that foul more likely. I recommend to go with the tried and true hip holster.
Remember: By Virginia law, you can only legally pistol whip hippies for the offense you mentioned.
Connie du Toit asks:
Why does the Pope wear a fabric covered KFC chicken bucket on his head?
I’m tired of all the ignorance about the Catholic faith out there. There’s a book, Catechism of the Catholic Church, that has everything spelled out for those interested, but no one bothers.
Anyway, the KFC chicken bucket hat harkens back to how Jesus fed thousands after his sermon on the mount from one bucket of chicken. It’s covered with fabric so the KFC logo isn’t seen thus keeping the Catholic Church free from corporate sponsors.

If you’ve got questions, I’ve got answers… maybe even answers to your questions. E-mail me your questions about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject “Frank Answers”. Include the name you want to be referred by, your town, and URL if you have one.

Katie from Mansfield, Taxachusetts writes:
The first couple of questions from tonight’s physics homework, which I don’t feel like doing:
1) During a hard sneeze, your eyes might shut for 0.50 s. If you are driving a car at 90 km/h during such a sneeze, how far does the car move during that time?
2) The 1992 world speed record for a bicycle (human powered vehicle) was set by Chris Huber. His time through the 200 m stretch was a sizzling
6.509 s, at which he commented, “Cogito ergo zoom!” (I think, therefore I go fast.) In 2001, Sam Whittingham beat Huber’s record by 19.0 km/h.
What was Whittingham’s time through the 200 m?
What’s an ‘m’ and a ‘km’. I only solve problems with real measurement values… the types used by humans. Go ask some Frenchman, and, when he starts to answer, punch him.
Pdtray writes:
I have too questions for you.
1. who do you blame for the nhl lockout? do you care?
2. are your space lasers the kind that shoot really fast in burst like PEWPEWPEWPEWPEW or are they the kind that is one big beam that cuts stuff.
1. I don’t care, but I have to pretend because SarahK likes hockey. I blame… uh… the Jews.
2. That’s just silly. It’s a straight beam. Why would a laser have anything else? Well, some laser sights blink for better visibility, but other than that, the point of a laser is a continuous beam. It’s the best way to lase.
Drew writes:
Three questions: How can we get the Muslims to switch to our side so that they go after the terrorists themselves? How can we get CBS, NBC & CNN to switch to our side? Also, when the main-stream media has lost its last shred of credibility, who will tell us what to think?
Bombs, bombs, me.
Chuck F. Chadwick
Hey there Frank J! My name is Chuck! I’m writing to you from an undisclosed film school. My website is http://classmishaps.f2o.org
Anyway, my question: What’s the liquid inside a Magic Eight Ball? And if I drink it will I become powerful and all knowing too?
The liquid is mystical and magical in its properties, for within lie the secrets of the future. If you were to drink it, all would be known to you, and you would despair. For true knowledge of your future leaves you with no hope. So drink naught from the eight-ball. Ye be warned.

If you’ve got questions, I’ve got answers… maybe even answers to your questions. E-mail me your questions about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject “Frank Answers”. Include the name you want to be referred by, your town, and URL if you have one.

Templar writes:

How come typical religious people cannot defend their faith as well as William Lane Craig can? And what should be done to provide an incentive for them to learn?

For more information, see his past debates at major universities:

http://www.leaderu.com/offices/billcraig/menus/debates.html

Oh, don’t get me going on about religion. I’m an avowed atheist and…

Wait, I’m an avowed Catholic. Yeah, and I don’t like all this trying to argue whether God exists or not (He does). If God left things so that you could prove He exists, then how come he just doesn’t suddenly appear in the sky and yell, “Look at Me! I’m God! Booga booga booga!”?

I would if I were God (when not smiting non-stop). Just my two cents plus inflation.

SarahK from Wherever You Want Me To Live, Insert State Here, asks:

When should I expect the platinum?

Platinum is really expensive, so I’m going to wait until there is a huge drop in platinum prices and then, if I still like you, I’ll buy a ring.

Greg Gibas writes:

I think everyone on your site would like to know if you ever plan to run for office! So, will you? It doesn’t even have to be something big like Congress, it could be something more local like Alderman or something. I’d sure as hell like to watch your press conferences as a public official!

I don’t know anything about local offices or what the hell they do, so I don’t think I’ll run for one. I am old enough now to run for Congress, but somehow I bet statement on this site may be used against me. I think I’ll remain a private citizen griping about our do-nothing politician like everyone else (good ole do-nothing politicians).

Grant G writes:

I’m glad that Frank Answers is now open to all, because I have a burning issue of which I need your opinion on: Is it me, or is John Kerry a spitting image of Mr. Burns? Picture his face over Mr. Burns’ during the Simpsons episode of Blinkey, the 3-eyed fish, and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

He does look like a younger Mr. Burns now that you mentioned it. Did Burns become wealthy by marrying into money?

E-mail me your question about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject “Frank Answers”. Include the name you want to be referred by, your town, and URL if you have one.

Jeff Drummond writes:
I’m watching a cool program on the History Channel about Israel’s response to the murder of her Olympic competitors at the 1972 Olympics.
Mossad exercised extreme vengeance against their enemies.
Israel has been pretty good at plotting the demise of its enemies. Are they a good model for the US to follow?
Usually I think the U.S. is the best at everything, but you have to give a lot of credit to those kickass Jews, the Israelis. The Jews have had so many hardships throughout history, and, out of fear those hardships might end, they settled a country in the midst of violent people who hate them. Thus, they’ve gotten good at kill’n bad people, and I think we can learn from them.
Frankly, I’d like to see targeted killings via cruise missiles used to fight local crimes. Think if some drug dealer standing in an alleyway suddenly get blow to hell or if a known carjacker finds his apartment and himself turned into a fireball. That will make criminals a lot more wary.
Also, it would be cool to watch.
Paul writes:
This is Paul. Honest. Please don’t put my email address up on your site though, I hate spam.
I realized you probably don’t want to answer those 2 questions I posted, so here’re two more.
1) What’s the stupidest Olympic sport? Badminton?
2) If you had to appoint the Head of Homeland Security in your State (say, for example, NJ), would you choose your gay lover or an Israeli poet?
First off, what gives you this idea that I randomly publish people’s e-mails?
Anyhoo…
1) I hate all Olympic sports that are scored by a panel of judges. Real sports should have a clear defined winner such as the fastest, the strongest, the most accurate, or, as in boxing, the one still conscious.
Of the judged sports, the dumbest one to me seems to be that one where people dance around with ribbons. That’s a sport? The original point of the Olympics were for people to peacefully compete in skills used in war, and no wars… not even a single battle… has been won with colorful ribbons. Whoever invented that competition should be shot.
Now shooting – there’s a great sport.
2) That’s hard to answer, as the two aren’t mutually exclusive.
Wait a second… I don’t like the implications of that question! I in no way resemble a New Jersey governor!
Alex writes:
I was going to ask you a mind-bendingly and universe-shatteringly intelligent and funny question related to John Kerry’s face, but then I read this and my heart sank:

I could live with the hate, but Frank Answers being invitation only?
Why, Frank, why?! Why must you destroy the things I love so much?!
PS: I like your hat.
Fine. I’m running out of questions, and this does make good filler at times. Frank Answers™ is now open to everyone again. Just e-mail me your question about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject “Frank Answers”. Everyone happy now?
P.S. Thanks. I like my hat.

Wolf’s Dawn writes:
Sorry I took so long to submit but I felt this pressure to come up with a clever math/science question so you could impress with your out-of-this-world knowledge. And I’m not being snarky! However, I just found myself getting a headache from trying to come up with something brilliant so I decided to stick to the low-brow comedy I know best.
I am from the eastern part of the Mid Atlantic region. Does that make me middle eastern?
You are given a chance to ask the fountain of knowledge – me – any questions, and this is what you come up with? Your question is stupid, and thus you have reflected poorly on all middle easterners who are already having a PR problem with their terrorism and murderousness and what not. I hope you die in a jihad… but don’t get martyrdom.
Heh heh, martyr-dumb. They should use that as a slogan to stop people from being terrorists. Why don’t try that out since you’re in the Middle East, Wolf Dawn?
I forgot to write down who wrote this, but here it is:
If you could fill a 5 gallon water jug with dimes or quarters, which would you choose to get the most money?
Quarters, duh, because quarters are worth more and now have wacky pictures on the back (collect them all!). Also, you can’t use dimes in arcade machines. Dimes are worthless. If I had a jug of dimes, I’d just chuck handfuls of them at people. And people would be like, “Stop that!” And I’d be like, “No!” And they’d be like, “Ahh, you got me in the eye!” And I’d be like, “Hooray!” And they’d be like, “Now you stop or… erk… ack!” And I’d be like, “Ha ha! I got them right down your throat! Now you die! Ha ha!”
On second thought, I’ll take the jug of dimes.
RP from Australia writes:
One of my university professors says that we should all go see Fahrenheit 9/11. I am scared; is it possible to catch obesity or communism from watching too many Michael Moore movies?
Yes, studies show that people coming out of Fahrenheit 9/11 tend to be fatter and more inclined to stupidity than when they entered. Instead, see Alien vs. Predator. That one will only make you dumber.
Damn, another one where I forgot to write who asked the questions:
I have 2 questions to Ask Frank:
A. Which is more slippery, anti-gravity or Teflon?
2. Which is harder to find, a brave Phrenchman or a pound of anti-matter?
Enquiring minds want to know.
A. Teflon is slippy; anti-gravity pushes you away and has nothing to do with friction. So you don’t want it. If you have anti-gravity, please give it to me.
2. There’s probably at least a pound of anti-matter that could be found at an anomaly at the center of our galaxy. As for a brave Frenchman, none is known to exist anywhere in the space-time continuum.

Frank Answers™ is now invitation only, so don’t send me your stupid questions. I hate you.

Beo writes:
I hate it when people incessantly ask idiotic questions like, “if a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it, does it make a sound? (Of COURSE it does, you ninny! The universe does not depend on your perception of it!)”
And then they act all smug, like they just said something intelligent.
So, my question is this: when you consider the effects of parallax, and the difficulties involved in the relatively infinitesimal length of the base used for ASA triangulation in which errors as small as one-millionth of a degree can result in a measurement error of tens of thousands of light years, why do some scientists pretend that they actually know how far away stars are? Are they all just a pack of liars, or are they just trying to impress women or something?
Since the beginning of time, everything man has ever done was to impress women. Topple empires, invent computers, shower daily – all to impress women. Why did John Kennedy vow to send men to the moon? Because one day Marilyn Monroe probably said something like, “I bet it would be neat to go to the moon.”
Probably one day some woman said to a scientist, “I wonder how far away those twinkly things in the sky are?” Thus the scientist ran out to do some hasty calculation (and I bet he still didn’t get any). So keep that in mind when reviewing any scientific data.
Reed the Viking writes:
1. Sandy Berger was caught putting documents in his pants and in his socks. Bill Clinton had a cat named Socks. Was the Cat somehow involved, or was it coincidence? Sam Berger got caught because the truth came out cause he couldn’t keep his pants on. Bill Clinton also had problems keeping his garments on. Is Sandy Berger having relations with an intern? How is Hilary involved? Is she an Avatar of Evil?
2. Are sea-monkeys bad like land monkey’s? If so, what are they plotting? Can Aquaman speak to them and convince them of good? If not, who would win in a fight; Aquaman vs. Sea-monkey’s? One last thing; What would you do for a Klondike bar?
1. Hillary is the Avatar of Evil, but that has nothing to do with the rest of the question. As for Socks the cat, I don’t trust cats and think he was probably involved. As for what Sandy Berger was up to, he was probably just stuffing his pants to impress women.
2. Sea monkeys are just stupid little shrimp sold to gullible children. Even Aquaman can beat them by just drinking one of those little aquariums they come in (and he could understand their screams of terror– muh ha ha).
As for what I’d do for a Klondike bar, I’d go to the store and buy one… but only if I was already going to the store to pick up a few other items.
Carl from Timonium, MD asks:
So when are you and SarahK meeting in real life?
That reminds me, didn’t I have an announcement or something to tell you people…
right wing duck writes:
Lately I’ve been reading about monkies that can walk on two legs. I also saw the movie I-Robot. I’m concerned. What if they monkies and the robots take over. The robots are logical and would vote republican. Monkies are stupid and throw their own feces, much like democrats. However, monkies can reproduce. Therefore they would outnumber the robots. Eventually, we would have a whole congress and senate full of democrat monkies. help me Frank. I lose sleep over this every night.
But robots build more robots. Isn’t that what I, Robot was about? I didn’t go see that movie because it looked stupid.

Frank Answers™ is now by invitation only, so stop sending me questions because I hate you.

Time to answer questions from contest winners. Some of them snuck in double questions… but, whatever.

Carl from Timonium, MD writes:
Hey Frank, could you recommend a roomy car for a tall person? And where are the IMAO bumper stickers!
Yeah. Get any convertible and be as tall as you want. Just lookout for the height warning on bridges and tunnels.
As for bumper stickers, what would they say?
“I’d rather be reading IMAO”
“Back off, muckadoo!”
“Dammit! There’s a sticker stuck to my nice car!”
The Idler writes:
If Michael Moore was going to sell his head on EBay, should he sell it on a weight basis (like in a butcher shop) or on the basis of it containing a brain scarcely used (other than to fantasize about lard based food products)?
I’m not sure, but he might get more mileage if it came in an authentic Dukes of Hazard lunchbox.
Aric asks:
Would 2 billion Chinamen jumping at the same time throw Earth out of orbit? If so is that some secret commie weapon?
As anyone knowledgable in physics can attest, when you jump, not only are you pulled to the Earth, but the Earth is pulled towards you (just to an extremely small degree). Thus 2 billion Chinamen jumping in one spot would throw us out of orbit. Luckily, there is only 515,637,587 Chinamen (and 493,995,993 Chinawomen and 289,214,044 Chinakids) so the question is moot.
Cap’n Yoaz got two questions, and here they are:
Q1: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if Kerry became President?
I definitively answered the woodchucking question here, and hypothetical chucking is unaffected by which party holds the White House.
Q2: If you ever became President, would you bomb all of the Hindu monkey temples in one giant military operation, or would you emulate Dubya by declaring an Axis of Monkeys and leveling them one country at a time?
I’d probably try to go the Axis of Monkeys route, but then go into a killing spree due to my monkey rage, destroying most of the world and any city with a zoo that has a monkey house.
Rightwingduck, who won being able to ask me three questions, didn’t send any thinking that I just made up questions for Frank Answers™ (I never made up a single question; if I did, they’d be much better). When prompted, he sent me four questions. Eh, whatever.
Q1: I’ll be buying my first handgun soon. Any advice? Also, I want target practice but here in California they say its against the law to shoot hippies and French people run too fast. I guess they ‘re good at running from bullets. I hear in Texas they pay a certain amount per hide. Is that true. Also, I think some of the nickel plated weapons look too froofy. Should this be a concern?
Get a decent caliber (it should start with a ‘4’); other than that, try guns out and see what feels good to you. Don’t worry if your gun looks froofy; criminals tend not to stop making fun of you as soon as you land the first shot.
Q2: My daughter and I were watching trading spaces on the learning channel. That’s where you and a friend or neighbor trade spaces and redecorate one room and show it to them as a surprise. Who would be your trading spaces partner. What would you do to their home/room. What would you like done to yours?
I’d trade spaces with Kim du Toit. He’d decorate my place with guns all over the walls, and then I’d decorate his place with tie-dye, peace symbols, and clowns. When he’d get back to see what I had done, I’d have a room full of guns to keep me safe. Heh heh.
Q3: I need a pair of blogparents. SarahK has volunteered to be my Blogmother and has given me great advice on my Blog site. She was saying that it would be great if you were my Blogfather. I would like that. You could SMITE anybody who messed with the poor RWduckie. Would having a blogchild ignite further rumors about you and SarahK. I also hate the French and hippies.
Blogchildren are bastard children, not chosen by their parents. Whoever inspired you to make a blog is your blogfather or blogmother. Thus, the puppy blender, whether he likes it or not, is my blogfather, and, to a lesser extent, Eugene Volokh who I also read before starting my own blog.
You know, he’s one of the few big, right-of-center bloggers left who never linked to me. I’ll get him one of these days…
Yeah, I’m big into patricide.
Q4: The other day I was typing on my blog and used the word “French Looking” and realized that it was a Frankism. What Frankism would you most like to see enter the American vernacular? Favorite words include: Muckadoo, Terrorist Larva, Puppy Blender.
“French-looking” comes from Best of the Web which has been calling Kerry “the French-looking liberal Senator from Massachusetts who by the way served in Vietnam” for a long time now.
As for my own terms, Puppy Blender is already out there. I’d like to see more use of muckadoo, though. To me, it fills a need. Hippy is too specific for whom I dislike (images of the unshaven and unwashed but not the college professors and journalists). Liberal is too general (there are a few liberals who can debate coherently and don’t hate America). So muckadoo is a great term for all the people I dislike.
Muckadoos! Your days are numbered!

If you have questions for Frank Answers™… then win one of my contest. Ha ha!

For winning the questions for John Kerry contest, Bob Owens got to send me two questions for Frank Answers™ (I never got any from the runners up, BTW).
Anyhoo, here are the questions:
Question 1:
Rumour has it you write content for the site wearing nothing but a glazed doughnut. My questions is: Krispy Kreme or Dunkin’?
That’s just a weird and stupid question. You are weird and stupid. You were given a chance to aske me anything, and this is what you came up with? Fool, I call thee.
Given a choice, though, Krispy Kreme. Mmm… Krispy Kreme. I love the icing filled ones.
Question 2:
Is it possible to order a “Nuke the Moon” t-shirt with the SarakK option pre-installed, or is that strictly after market?
Sorry, SarahK does not come with the t-shirts, nor can she ever be bought by money. If I knew the key to winning over SarahK, I wouldn’t share it with you, you weird donut-question-asker. Such a secret I would keep to myself while laughing at all others. Actually, I’ll just laugh at all others now.
Ha ha ha ha!
Now on to other business…

If you have any questions for me, especially scientific in topic, don’t send them to me because I’m tired of questions.