“All right, which one of you jokers said ‘MOUSE!’?”

Apparently my Fabulous Facts so humiliated the little pillow-biter that he quit the race and ran home crying to his mommy.
And yet I still have a big pile of Facts left.
Seems kinda pointless to keep kicking the man in his withered jubblies every day when he’s not in the race any more, so I’ll just do one more big Riverdance on his cowering form and call it a day.
I do, however, reserve the right to resurrect this feature in the horribly unlikely event that he gets the nod for VP.
Note for those who’ve suggested an Obama daily feature – it’s not ripe for happening yet. The man simply doesn’t have a mockable stereotype, since he’s just another black socialist, albeit a particularly clean and articulate one. Hillary’s got pure evil. What’s Barack got?
If he develops a personality between now and the convention – or at least gets a humiliating YouTube video posted about him – I may be able to get something going.
Meanwhile, let’s say good-bye in style to Ann Coulter’s favorite faggot:

Two Bonus Facts from Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards’s abrupt decision to abandon his quest for the Democrat Presidential nomination was prompted by his sudden realization that he wouldn’t be able to have either Judy Garland or Ethel Merman perform at the inaugural ball.
John Edwards looks forward to Super Bowl Sunday every year, because all those folks at home watching the game means they’re not at the mall getting in the way of his shoe shopping.
And here’s me emptying my Big Bucket O’ Fabulous Facts:
* The truth in John Edwards’s secret heart is that he would gladly see EVERYONE in America living in poverty if it could somehow cause the development of a painless leg hair removal process.
* John Edwards doesn’t understand how people could accidentally grab two coffee filters. How could they lift them both?
* John Edwards Pet Peeve #53 – “waterproof” mascara that runs all over the pillow he’s biting.
* In John Edwards’s experience, ALL caps are childproof.
* John Edwards Pet Peeve #61 – getting poked by his underwire.
* John Edwards always takes it personally and starts crying when he sees a “no fat chicks” bumper sticker.
* John Edwards wonders – how DO people manage to wrap things in aluminum foil?
* Does anyone else think it odd that if you ask John Edwards for advice about jock itch, he’ll nod & say “Vagisil”?
* John Edwards is physically incapable of passing a women’s magazine rack without jealously hissing “siliconed hussy!”.
* Although usually a model of self-control, John Edwards will still occasionally slip and wink at a hot guy cruising by in a convertible.
* John Edwards’s saddest day wasn’t November 2, 2004, it was the day he realized that he would never be the guest of honor at a baby shower.
* John Edwards Pet Peeve #75 – returning his airplane seat to the upright & locked position and getting flung over the seat in front of him in the process.
* John Edwards puts the “man” in “manicure”.
* Although not famous for his pugilistic skills, John Edwards did once manage to bruise a banana while bloodying only two knuckles.
* John Edwards hates the look of his 5 o’clock shadow, but some days your hectic campaign schedule only gives you the chance to shave your legs first thing in the morning.
* At parties, John Edwards always whips out his wallet and starts showing off pictures of his hair dryers.
* America’s Funniest Home Video – John Edwards trying to pick anchovies off his pizza and being soundly defeated by the superior might of the cheese.
Just kidding. THIS will always be America’s Funniest Home Video.

So long, John, and thanks for all the comedy gold.

That sound… as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced… just John Edwards chipping his his nail polish two hours after a manicure.

John Edwards Pet Peeve #47 – burning his mouth on vichyssoise.

Say what you will about John Edwards, but at least his “getting out of the limo upskirt shots” ALWAYS show him wearing panties.

John Edwards is jealous of Jane Fonda’s career for many reasons, but mostly because it included John Edwards’s lifelong dream of kissing Ted Turner’s tickly little moustache.

For John Edwards, dropping the soap in the shower isn’t a tragedy, it’s a greeting.

Easiest job in the world: being John Edwards’s athletic supporter.
Hardest job in the world: being his Wonderbra.

John Edwards knows that “sucking a golf ball through a garden hose” isn’t a metaphor, it’s a talent.

For John Edwards, the worst part about dandruff isn’t the embarrassing flakes, it’s the bruises where they land on his shoulders.

Regular contributor Chris sent me a picture, and he and I are both convinced there’s a John Edwards joke in there somewhere, but neither one of us can find it:

If you think you’ve found it, leave it in the comments.
If you haven’t found it, visit the comments and leave High Praise! for the people who you think have.

John Edwards doesn’t understand why people complain about getting wonderful, wonderful wedgies.

John Edwards loves that the Swiffer Duster actually picks up the dust instead of just pushing it around, but it makes the darn thing so heavy!

John Edwards always brings a supply of fresh, transfusable blood on the campaign trail, because he knows that no one ever plans on getting a paper cut.

John Edwards Pet Peeve #22 – escalators when he’s wearing spiked heels.