John Sutherland in his column in the Guardian today writes about his worries over the popular Toby Keith song that refers to “kicking the ass” of those who attack America, saying that angry Americans are ugly Americans. Oh, the poo’ wittle Englishmun, all worried that America in its blinding rage may knock over his table of tea and crumpets! To think, that after being attacked, we are angry at our attackers! Why that’s almost like how rational human beings would react! We’re unbelievable!

If someone had a new drug that they thought could cure cancer, should they just start injecting it into people to see if it works? And I’m not talking about people agreeing to be tested on, but forcefully giving the drug to people even if they didn’t want it. Of course everyone would react in horror to something like that, but that’s exactly what politics are like. Someone comes up with some asinine new idea that no one has any clue whether it will work, and then they get it passed into law and inflicted on the masses. So why can’t we do the same thing we would do with the cancer drug and test political and economic theories on monkeys first?

As far as I know (or care to know) the only use of monkeys is to test things on them. Some people may say, “Hey. That’s cruel!” and my response to that is, “I don’t like monkeys.” But, personal feelings aside, they are the most intelligent animal other than man, which is why this idea can work. They also aren’t too far removed from people in the political area: they’re apathetic to current events just like the nation’s youths, they jump around and screech a lot just like liberals, and they don’t bathe very often just like Frenchmen. To get the project started, first a decent size island must be obtained, either purchased or taken by forced — someone else can figure that out — and then we need to get a bunch of monkeys from wherever it is people usually get monkeys — again, not my department. Then you have your island full of subjects to test out political ideas on. Have some monkeys control the monkey economy and then let each of the monkeys make their own decisions with their monkey money and see what works better. Don’t let any of the monkeys have guns, lets only the leader monkeys have guns, and then give all the monkeys guns and see what happens (observations should be done remotely). Of course, if through research we stumble upon the perfect socio-economic model, the monkeys may become too powerful to control and we could be on our way to the planet of the apes. That’s why the island should also be laden with explosives for a last ditch measure.

If you like my idea, send me millions of dollars and I’ll get started on it. I’m going to work on the explosives part first.