Alex Knapp wonders if the Democrats are having a Bulworth fantasy. That movie was so stupid. I liked the part where he was shot in the end.
Archive of entries posted on September 2002
IMAO, UMAO, we’re all MAO
I notice that I am now the number one result on Google for “IMAO”. Thanks to all who have linked to me to make this possible. To celebrate this meaningless accomplishment, I have added a new link to the left to further frustrate all the people who come to my page in the futile hope of finding out what IMAO means.
I’m Just in a “Make Stuff Up” Mood
Sen. Toricelli has dropped out of the race for Senate, saying he needed to devote more time to his family and avoiding prosecution. He finally decided that he could not both fulfill his duties as Senator while at the same time reliably evading capture from authorities. Toricelli will fulfill the remainder of his term, collecting as much money for favors as he can in his last ninety days, and then, true to his nickname, “torch” his Senate office before fleeing for whereabouts unknown. Here at IMAO, we (i.e., I) wish him well.
Everytime Someone Punches a Hippy, Baby Jesus Smiles
Dirty, filthy hippy Ira Einhorn is going on trial this week for murder, but can’t we can’t kill him because of an agreement with France. He fled there trying to escape the law, and France wouldn’t give him back to us unless we agreed not to kill him. Who knows how many mangy hippies are hiding in France just so we can’t execute them? This is where America could really use an ally who does executions, because then we could be like, “Hey, we won’t kill him, France. You can give him to us.” Then we hand him over to our ally and have them string him up while we laugh at the stupid Frogs. Seriously, though, France shouldn’t stand in the way of executions; we’ll never have closer on the 60’s until we’ve killed all hippies dead.
There Weren’t as Many Protestors as There Used to Be, and Now There’s Less
2,500 hundred protestors marched in front of Dick Cheney’s residence on Sunday, blaming him for the push towards war. Now I heard that Cheney was trying to take a nap at the time, so he was royally pissed when all the whining idiots woke him up. The protestors didn’t even see him coming as they just stood there chanting, “No blood for oil!” just barely turning in time to see Cheney flying towards them crying, “Blood!!!” They stood there like deer caught in the headlights as he dived tackled three protestors at once and then proceeded to pummel five more until he started feeling some pains in his chest. Then he knocked down and beat the crap out of two more of them before calling it a night.
And what’s with the protestors still using “No Blood for Oil” slogans? Update: we don’t care about oil. Those bastards in the Middle East killed are people and are plotting to kill more; what we want is their blood. I guess “No Blood for Blood” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, though.
Links of the Day
Andrea Harris discusses the traitors Jim McDermott and David Bonoir. I say string them up soon as they reach the states and then let The Children™ hit their dangling bodies with sticks. If you think that is too harsh, the sticks can be padded with foam. Andrea also reveals her sordid, Democrat-voting past.
Also, Spoons wonders if the fact that only a few hundred grams – not 33 pounds as first thought – of uranium was seized in Turkey means more danger, not less.
Carrying a Firearm is Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!
As long as its still possible to get attacked by a tiger while just strolling through Illinois, I think that’s all the argument one needs for the necessity of carrying a firearm.
Crazy Glasses Wearing Man
I was just watching that video of Daschle freaking out at how Bush pointed out how he doesn’t care about the security of the American people. He starts totally freaking out, flailing his arms wildly while exclaiming, “Outrageous! Outrageous!” Then, he quickly snatches the glasses off his face and immediately calms down saying almost somberly, “He should apologize.” So what’s with the glasses? Is that like his Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde transformation? Are they laced with LSD and cause psychosis when with contact to the skin? The American people need to know.
We Still Have Unions? I Thought We Crushed Them All
Unions are afraid of getting blame for nothing happening on homeland security since they are so closely associated with the Democrats who, if I recall correctly, recently released a statement saying, “We aren’t concerned with the security of the American people. Screw the American people.” Unions, on the other hand, want to just focus all their unconcern at the well being of American industry and the long term welfare of American workers, but the president has been blaming them for holding up homeland security bills. One objection the unions raised is that they don’t want Custom Service workers to have to give their home phone numbers to their employer. Now I was unaware you could get a job anywhere without giving your boss your phone number, so this seems wacky at first, but then I thought about it a little more. I’ve seen The Sopranos; I know what union people are like. Why in the world should they have to give their phone number to their employer when the FBI should already be tapping their phone line? That does seem a bit silly.
Now, I’m not against unions. When employees used to be whipped regularly and locked in dungeons, then a union was probably helpful to say, “No. That bad.” But, now all unions seem to do is try to convince workers they are essential while all the union bosses are really concerned about is making themselves fatter and filled with cigar smoke. Oh, and one more thing: please don’t hurt me.
Most of This Post is Made Up… I Think
New Jersey Senator Torricelli took time off from embezzling to say people shouldn’t just focus on the war but be more vigilant of the economy as well. “As families across the nation sit down at their kitchen tables today, conversation is just as likely to turn to the mounting threats to our economic security,” he stated, though he has been too busy scrounging for illegal campaign contributions to talk to his own family in months. He gained this knowledge by illegally spying on New Jersey families looking for information he could use to black mail votes out of them. “For the first time in eight years, the number of Americans living in poverty is growing, while the middle class is shrinking,” he added, pausing to stare at a woman pushing a stroller nearby, barely resisting the urge to throw the child into traffic. Finishing his statements, he suddenly jumped into a Porsche with David Chang and sped towards Mexico. Soon after, police cars were seen in hot pursuit. His current whereabouts are unknown. If you see him, quickly notify the police. He is considered to be armed and fairly liberal, so approach with caution.
License to Whup Ass
God do I hate globalization protestors. Yesterday they caused a bunch of trouble, and today we all know they’ll cause more. So why can’t we preemptively strike these idiots? I know, I know, people have a right to free speech and protest, so we can’t hurt them before they actually do something. But we all know they’re going to do something, so why can’t the police go to a judge, show him the past history of these dumbass protestors, and get a beating permit. Next we trick the protestors into thinking the World Bank and IMF meetings are down some dark alleyway. Then the police surround them and beat them like red-headed stepchildren. Now, don’t take me out of context; I don’t mean they should be beat within an inch of their lives. They should just be each given a few whomps to the head to knock the bad thinking out. Of course, as happens with anything effective America may do, other world leaders may protest what we’ve done. We then tell them we’re really sorry and we’ve decided to have a big meeting with other countries to discuss it. Next we trick them into thinking the meeting is down some dark alleyway and then – POW! – we knock the European sensibilities out of them. We do this enough times, we’ll have world peace!
It’s Always the Ones You Least Suspect
Then Again, We’d Have to See Him in Nothing But a Diaper
Kennedy has come out against going to war with Iraq. He outlines a number of reasons to which I respond by pointing out how large his head is. It’s HUGE! He has to be obese to lower his center of gravity and keep from toppling over. Now, the size of his head probably has nothing to do with the value of his arguments, but I would then point out that Rep. Nadler has a very large head as well. Anyway, depite his enourmous head and the fact that he talks funny, Kennedy still has some pull in the Senate, due probably to the fear from other Senators that he might eat them, offer them a ride home, or, worst of all, headbutt them. Hopefully he won’t slow down America’s momentum for action the way he would slow down a bus by boarding it, as many Democrats may listen to him and a few may then understand what he is saying. So, this begs the question: who is the largest Republican Senator? I think we should settle this issue the way they settle all disputes in Japan – by battle of sumo.
Now Terrorists Know Where the Aliens are Buried
Terrorist numbnut Zacarias Moussaoui was somehow given classified documents. This seems like a major screw up, because it’s bad enough when classified information is given to just some regular old guy who is not supposed to know it, but just handing the information to the specific people we’re trying to keep it from is uber-worse. I don’t think it was a mistake, though. I think they did it to make sure they can execute Moussaoui.
“We told him, so now we have to kill him.”
The Politics of Punching
Bush scaled back his Iraq resolution so the Democrats might not be such whiny bitches about it. Instead of being able to kill anyone he wants when he wants and making it optional to tell anyone, he decided to be nice and limit his killing and tell the Speaker of the House and the president pro tempore before mass-slaughter commences. I guess he’d just say, “Hey, just so you know, I’m going to kill me some Iraqis.” Then he could shake his fist at them and threaten, “And don’t you tell any of the Europeans so they can ruin my fun.” And I bet they would listen, because Bush looks like he might actually follow through and punch someone. So I think this system works fine. Daschle, who I believe said in a speech he is not interested in the security of the American people, still thinks there is a long way to go with the resolution. Who knows what that means? He probably wants to remove all that distracting war talk and instead make the Iraq resolution a repeal of the tax cut. Perhaps Bush can punch him. He’ll probably whine about it to the press, but then Bush can threaten to punch him again. Daschle will then remember how much that first punch hurt and capitulate. It’s a common but effective political strategy. Anyway, something needs to be done to get moving on the Iraq attack; every day Saddam’s palaces aren’t piles of rubble, baby Jesus cries.