Some dick out there has sent threatening e-mails to Emily Jones about a link she has on her page. It’s upset her and she decided to take a breather from blogging. She hasn’t said what link the jackass found so offensive, so I guess the only solution is to patronize them all.
Archive of entries posted on 4th September 2002
When Arafat Dies, They Can Give Him a 21 Exile Salute
Israel expelled two relatives of a Palestinian terrorist for being complicit in his actions. They got money and weren’t shot or nothing, so it seemed like a sweet deal for them, but still lots of people are angry for some unfathomable reason. Maybe it’s the whole inefficiency of the expulsion process; it involved a whole convoy of jeeps just to get two people from the West Bank to Gaza. Now, I’m an engineer, so I’m always looking for the more efficient ways to do things. That’s why I propose to Israel to build something I will call the Expel-o-matic; it will be like a giant airgun. The expellee gets to say goodbye to his relatives and then is placed in the loading chamber. Then pressurized air sends the Palestinian in a direct path from the West Bank to Gaza without a whole lot of hoopla. Israel can also show they’re compassionate by giving the person a helmet (price of helmet comes out of 1,000 shekel allotment), thus silencing shrill voices in Europe. Also, it could be used as a way of getting rid of Arafat by putting up a sign saying “Free Baby Wipes” that points into the loading the chamber. Hmm, come to think of it, I probably got this whole idea from a Looney Tunes episode. Anyway, as always, if someone is interested, please send me millions of dollars. And you better add in a little more money than you think it will cost, because I do tend to embezzle.
Frank Solution to World Hunger
Colin Powell ended up being heckled at Johannesburg. How dumb are these people? Don’t they realize that Powell is the only person who might actually listen to their idiotic opinions instead of just turning the hose on them?
Anyway, I have my own pratical plan for solving world hunger for those who are interested. It involves another problem: endangered species. I’m always hearing how all our polution, hunting, and cutting down forests have caused so many different animals to become endangered – hell, there are so many endangered species now you can’t hardly swing a dead cat without hitting one. So why don’t we round up all these endangered species and feed them to the hungry; there should be plenty for everyone. Then two problems will be solved: no more hunger and no more endangered species. Everyone will be happy.
The French Surrender
France has surrendered to the idea that America will probably go to war with Iraq no matter what they do, so they decided to not make an issue of it and instead stress areas of agreement. That’s so rational of them, I almost can’t believe it. Is this the beginning of a new friendly relationship between France and America? Then what happens to French hating? I can’t imagine ever giving that up; that hatred of France was passed on from my grandfather to my father and then to me – and one day I hope to pass it on to my own children. It’s a scary thing to think I may have to give it up, for what legacy of a snooty country to make fun of will be left for the future?
But, to remind me of why I disdained the French in first place, Jacques Chirac has proposed a world tax to fight poverty. Oh, yippee, global wealth redistribution. I already had proposed my own world tax called the “other-country tax.” Being another country than the U.S. puts an extra burden on America’s efforts to keep the world from getting all blowed up, so this is a luxury tax on all nations that wish to be independent of the U.S.A. I’m sure a lot of other-countries won’t like this idea, but they don’t have to like it; they just have to get their money in before what shall become known as “cruise-missile day.”