Now that we hate Germany, the uestion is what to do about it. One’s first instinct is to make a declaration, “We hate Germany!” and then launch cruise missiles at them. Though it is logical, we’d be called “undiplomatic” for doing that, and there is nothing worse than being called undiplomatic. Instead, we have to express our hatred for the Germans in less obvious ways while never actually owning up to how much we think they suck. Here are some ways:

In a “typo,” have Germany listed in the axis of evil. Say you thought you remembered them being in an axis of some sort.
Have the president casually refer to Germany as a “third world country.” Deny it later.
In official documents, constantly use the phrase, “So simple, even a German could understand it.”
Throw great party inviting all America’s allies and even a few terrorist nations such as Syria, Lybia, and Holland, but conspicuously don’t invite Germany.
Have the American Kennel Club change the name of the German Shepherd to the “Stupid Kraut Dog.” Have it described as the dumbest and smelliest breed of dog.
Move German embassy moved to back room at local IHOP. Make sure they don’t get any special discounts there.
Have a secret ops mission to give Schroeder a wedgie just before a major speech. Make jokes about it but deny all culpability.
When picking teams for an international kick ball game, and the final choice is between France and Germany, from now on pick France.

If Germany still seems to not get the picture, then, before all the U.N., have America say, “Anyone who is an ally of Germany, raise your hand,” and make sure its said in a way that other countries know they’ll be made fun of too if they do raise their hand. Then no one will say they like Germany. Hopefully that will finally get them to elect a leader we can trust, like someone named Joe Smith who doesn’t speak German at all.

Gerhard Schroeder won the election yesterday. Know who also won an election in the past? Hitler. Hitler was elected in Germany. Know what country Schroeder won his election in? Germany as well. Schroeder was wearing a nice suit and tie for the occasion – just like Hitler used to wear – and combed his hair too – like Hitler. He then gave a speech – Hitler loved speeches – in German (guess what language Hitler spoke) while standing up (no wheelchair for Hitler) and, though I don’t know the text of the speech (know whose speeches I also don’t know the text of? That’s right, Hitler!), I’m sure it was all about how he’d improve Germany, just like Hitler would promise. Schroeder also said he wouldn’t help America fight Iraq. Now, who is that other person who never helped America fight Iraq? Oh yeah, Hitler! And what kind of name is Gerhard? I’ve never known anyone named Gerhard. I’ve also never known anyone named Adolph. To be fair, there are some differences between Schroeder and Hitler. Hitler had a mustache, but Schroeder, quite conspicuously, does not (almost too conspicuously, if you ask me). Also, Schroeder is not responsible for the death of millions, but, hey, the night is still young.