Did I miss something, or are we still not bombing Iraq? I was thinking I just missed it in the news, because it sure as hell doesn’t make any sense to me those guys aren’t toast yet. I mean, what are my tax dollars paying for? And don’t tell me it’s poor people.

What I hear the U.S. is doing is dropping leaflets to scare the bajeebus out of the Iraqis so they won’t even try fighting back. They explain how, if they try anything, we’ll kill them just like we killed their friends. It’s a timeless message, but I think we could do better. These guys are pretty ignorant, so we might as well just make stuff up too so we’ll be even scarier to them. Here’s what my leaflet would say:

“Do not lock your radar on our planes or fire at them. We can easily tell when someone does this, and thus you will be instantly killed. Our planes are top secret, so do not look at them. We have sophisticated technology to tell if someone is looking at our planes, and you will be instantly killed. Do not listen to the sounds our planes make when we fly by – that is also top secret. Make sure to cover your ears when we fly by, or your head will explode. Our new policy is that every time we fly by Iraqis, we will fire one of our anti-anti-American missiles. It can tell when someone is thinking bad things about America and seek them out and kill them. So, if you think a plane is coming towards you or you see something in the air – even if you’re sure it’s just a bird – always immediately drop straight to the ground, curl up in a ball, close your eyes, cover your ears, and start thinking about how great America is or you will be instantly killed.”

My other idea is to make the leaflet look like one of those humorous Hallmark cards. On the outside it would say, “We wanted to tell you how great America is and convince you that Saddam is evil and that you should turn against him…” and then on the inside it would say, “but we decided it was easier to just lace this card with deadly poison.”

Gore now gave another tirade on the economy, and you can almost hear all the top Democrats cringing. The guy is such dead weight and completely unelectable now, but he’ll probably win the primary in 2004 because the Democrats’ base is total firck’n idiots. Hey, the Democrats dug their own grave when they decided that was the kind of people they were going to court. Sure drooling morons are great for mobilizing in the general election (even thought a good number of them disenfranchise themselves by going at a punch ballot like a hyperactive monkey), but the Democrats could really use open primaries so that Republicans can save them from themselves like they did with McKinney. The other option is the Torricelli bait and switch, but you have to get the candidate to take himself off the ballot, and Gore is so much a loon that he could be 80 percentage point behind and he’ll still be convinced he’ll win. So what options are left for the Democrats? Simple, discredit Gore in a way even the stupid can understand. Next time Gore gives a speech, one of the other Democratic hopefuls should walk up to him right in the middle of it and bitch slap him. Who’s going to vote for Gore after he’s been bitch slapped in front of everyone? And the Democrat who does it will look like a real leader. Hell, I’ll switch party registration myself and vote for him. Yeah, you heard me right, and I’ll honor that even if it’s Daschle who does the deed. Not Hillary, though; I assume she’s already done it before, anyway.