“The Bush administration has continued its pattern of sacrificing our environment to the demands of special interests,” said Sen. James Jeffords in the Democrats’ weekly radio response as he tried to ignore the grim specter of death that floated above him.
“This year the power industry is getting a nice Christmas gift…” Jeffords continued, stopping momentarily as he was transfixed by the ghost’s glowing red eyes. He forced himself to look away. “…the biggest weakening of the Clean Air Act in history.”
“You betrayed the Republican party,” the wraith said, it’s words seeming to echo within Jeffords’ own head, “You handed the majority to the Democrats.” It floated closer to Jeffords, setting itself inches before Jeffords’ quivering face. “But now the Republicans will have the majority again, and I am here… for you!”
“I made a decision based on my conscience!” Jeffords screamed, and then realized he was still on the air. “Hopefully, moderates in both parties can do what we’ve done before,” he said as he glanced at a book he bought about Japanese ritual suicide. “Do I really have to disembowel myself before my eldest son cuts off my head?” he wondered aloud before he was finally cut off the air.
When the White House was asked for a response, president Bush’s press secretary Ari Fleischer refused to give one, saying it was pointless since “dead men do not speak.”
On whether there would be a backlash against Jeffords when the Republicans take the majority in the Senate, Fleischer said, “Are you reporters all retarded? Of course we’ll seek vengeance. We have a mandate from the people to hand out punishment to all our enemies. He is going to wish he was never elected to public office. Originally, we were going to have Trent Lott beat him up on the floor of the Senate until the president pro tempore would finally yell, “Finish him!” Then Lott would rip Jeffords head out along with his spine and hold it up for a nice photo op and warning to all other potential Judases. Unfortunately, we found out we would need a two-thirds majority in the Senate to do that. Instead, we’ll find a slow torture for him, one that will make decapitation seem merciful.” He then laughed manically, shouted, “No more questions from you fools!” and then pulled his cloak around him before storming away.
Archive of entries posted on November 2002
Giving Thanks
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I have a lot to be thankful for this year, and I’m especially thankful for all my readers. You really make writing this blog an enjoyable experience.
I would also like to offer my condolences to Israel. You’ve put up with more than any country should ever have to, and you’ve done it with unbelievable temperance and restraint. You truly are the definition of a civilized a nation. My prayers are with you.
“Our Filtering Software is So Effective that Three People are Dead!”
Just because we got Iraq, North Korea, and assorted t’rists to kick around, we can’t forget the big Commie evil still out there: China. Amnesty International took a break from protesting the execution of child murderers so they could actually expose some real injustice, finding that thirty-three people have been imprisoned in China for doing nothing more than expressing their opinions online. Two have died in custody. That’s murder in my book, but we can’t just storm in there and rightfully execute all the government officials involved because of a little thing called “diplomacy.” Goddamn diplomacy.
What we can do is not help the Commie bastards. According the report, technologies from such companies as Websense, Sun Microsystems, Cisco Systems, Nortel Networks, and Microsoft were used to filter content and track down dissidents. Now, I’m all for capitalism (I’ll beat the crap out of anyone who doubts it) but there are some moral responsibilities American companies need to follow. They know if they sell software to evil Commies, those Commies are going to turn around and use that software for Commie evil – the sort of evil that leaves people dead. I know if I had a software company, and the Chi-Coms came to me for software, I’d just kick them square in the nuts, say, “Screw you, you Commie bastards,” and toss them right out of the building. Real American companies should shun business that helps Commies, and instead work on software that fights filtering and helps dissidents remain anonymous. If your company can’t make a product that actually kills Commies, then at least make stuff that frustrates them.
In My World: White House Scoffs at Daschle Criticism of Radio Commentators
Taking issue with Democratic Sen. Tom Daschle, the White House spokesman said Monday it’s not right to compare violent religious fundamentalists overseas to American commentators who sound off on the air.
“For one thing, when we come after Daschle, we’re not going to do something retarded thing like blow ourselves up,” said President Bush’s press secretary, Ari Fleischer. “Plus, our beating of him will have nothing to do with religion and everything to do with him being a slimy weasel.”
When asked if the White House condemned anyone who would threaten Sen. Daschle and his family, Fleischer responded, “That would be quite hypocritical since I myself have threatened Daschle and his family on many occasions. Once, I killed his cat and placed it in a shoebox with a letter telling him he was next. The President believes in the Constitutional right to threats, and he will kill the household pets of anyone who would threaten that right to threats.”
On the topic of whether there was any sympathy for Daschle and his plight, Fleischer remarked, “Aww, the po’ wittle Daschle doesn’t like people to say mean things to him on the radio. Why don’t I get the baby his bottle? Seriously, though, I want Daschle to know that, if he brings up this topic again, I will harm him and his family.”
A reporter then asked if making such threats against Daschle was actually legal. Fleischer casually produced a baseball bat from behind the podium and the question was withdrawn.
When asked for comment, Daschle hid behind his chair in his office and started crying. Despite reporters threatening him and his family, the only statement they were able to get from him was, “I want my mommy!”
Let’s Just Say I’ve Had Better Sodas
While the Vanilla Coke made sense to me, I couldn’t really see the point of combining berry flavors and Pepsi as they supposedly did for Pepsi Blue. Still, I consumed (most of) a 20 oz. bottle and was thus inspired to try out my marketing skills by coming up with some slogans for it:
“Disgusting… with a refreshing kick!”
“It’s like there’s a party in my mouth and everyone is vomiting.”
“Ever wonder why no one made a blue soda before? Now you know.”
“Not to be taken internally.”
“Four out of five people chose it over Windex in a blind taste test.”
“The taste that will make you envy the dead.”
“Might as well drink it all since disposal down the drain violates EPA regulations.”
“We don’t know how this got through marketing either.”
“Diet version is not available due to classification as a chemical weapon.”
“One sip and you’ll know there is no God.”
War! Huh! What Are We Waiting For? Absolutely Nothing! (say it again)
I just went through the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disney World this morning, and there was still a part with little Iraqi kids singing along. What gives? I thought we would have annihilated that country by now. Ends up that we’re waiting on an inspection team to find a “material breach” before we can give the g’damn Iraqis an extended weapons demo. Yes, our hopes of war rest on someone named Blix. Iraq keeps saying that this whole inspection thing is just a pretext to attack them, and I’m like, “Finally; someone is talking some sense.” So do the Iraqis then know when we give up with the pretext and finally attack them, because I would really appreciate it if they told me. And they should make sure the rascally Blix knows it’s all a pretext, too, because I’m not sure if he got that memo. He may actually be waiting to try and find some WMD’s which the Iraqis have had plenty of time to hide. Well, just in case we can’t find anything substantial, I’ve come up with a list of excuses for war with Iraq we can tell the U.N.
Top Ten Excuses for War with Iraq
10. They say that war is good for the economy, and the Iraqi economy could really use some improvement.
9. Though we didn’t find any actual evidence of biological weapons, it sure does smell funny there.
8. Not having a ‘u’ follow Iraq’s ‘q’ is a violation of international spelling laws.
7. If our Marines don’t get to kill people soon, they’re going to suffer bouts of depression.
6. We want to steal their oil and keep it for ourselves, and there’s not a goddamn thing any of EUnuchs can do about it. Muh-ha ha ha ha!
5. Iraq’s army has more bushy mustaches than is allowed by the Geneva Convention.
4. Though we can’t prove they have any ties to terrorism, we have direct evidence of them funding the “Anna Nicole Smith Show.”
3. They’re mean.
2. We have never heard that Edwin Starr song and are thus unaware of the futility of war.
And the number one excuse for going to war with Iraq…
We’re America; we don’t need excuses.
If They Really Want to Help Stop Terrorism, Why Won’t They Let Us Kill Them?
You’ve probably heard about how Princess Haifa al-Faisal may have helped finance the Sept. 11th terrorists. While most seem to believe she didn’t do it knowingly, Suadi Arabia has not been known to be forthcoming about their monetary support of terrorists. This is why I suggest we finally change our “Don’t Kill Saudis” policy to a “Kill Lot’s of Saudis” policy. Now, I’m not talking about having a war with Saudi Arabia, of course, but I am suggesting that maybe we should send out an “investagatory” barrage of cruise missiles at them. Perhaps that will turn up some new information, but we can also try an “inquisitive” seizure of their oil fields and have a series of “fact-finding” assassination of Saudi princes. The Saudis say they are eager to help with our fight against terrorism, so I’m sure they’ll die quickly without much fuss.
Movie Reviews: Die Another Day and Enemy at the Gates
I just saw the new Bond move Die Another Day, and it kicked ass. It had everything one expects from a good movie: gunfights, explosions, cool cars, neat gadgets, hot women, and humorous one liners when a bad guy is killed. This time Bond fights the evil North Koreans just like we’re going to do in real life, but, in the movie, they have a super space laser. Of course, that’s too much for some Brit to take on by himself, so he teams up with an American NSA agent played by Halle Berry. By the end of the movie, all the bad people are dead, so it’s a very happy ending. It’s not up to par with Goldfinger (then again, what is) but definitely one of the better Bond movies.
I also just saw Enemy at the Gates on DVD. It was really cool with snipers putting bullets through each other’s eyes while everything is getting bombed around them. The only problem is that the movie was about the Nazis and Commies fighting over Stalingrad, so who the hell are you going to root for? That’s like having to choose between evil and eviler. To really get into a move, I had to have a side I liked, instead I was supposed to sympathize with the Commie sniper over the Nazi sniper. What could have made the movie much better, is, right after the Commie sniper, after losing many friends and nearly his own life, finally defeats the well trained Nazi sniper who was out to kill him, you suddenly hear a second gun shot and he falls dead. The camera then pans over to show Patton was standing right behind him with a pistol. He exclaims, “Take that, you goddamn Commie!” and then American troops swarm the area killing both sides. That would be so cool. Note to Hollywood: I am available for rewrites in the future.
He Has a Koran; Don’t Make Any Sudden Movements!
The rioting in Nigeria would be funny if it weren’t for so many people being killed. One guy makes a mild statement about Mohammed – one that’s meant as a compliment – and the Muslims in Nigeria act like hornets who had their nest shaken – really murdeous and dumb hornets, I mean (I don’t want to insult all the decent hornets out there). I swear, if I see one person commenting on this saying that “Islam means peace,” I’m going to hunt him down and smack him.
Anyway, a comment I read in this article caught my eye. The President of Nigeria, Olusegun Obasanjo, said, “The beauty queens should not feel that they are the cause of the violence. It could happen at any time irresponsible journalism is committed against Islam.”
My first reaction was to ridicule him, because basically he was saying that Muslims are such a bunch of murderous retards that one writing an article would have to expect a riot like this. Then, thinking about it more, I wondered if he is right. Have years of these people being exposed to idiotic teachings by their “religious” leaders corrupted their brains so much that one can’t expect them to show simple human decency and reason? Perhaps encountering a Muslim should be treated like encountering a dangerous animal; avoid eye contact and speak in a soft tone so as not to upset it. Maybe it’s safer to leave one’s child alone with a pit bull instead of alone with a believer of Islam because those Muslims can suddenly snap at any moment.
All I know is that we don’t have Muslims rioting in America and burning down churches, and God knows we wouldn’t put up with that crap. Hell, despite a few sleeper cells, I bet America has the nicest Muslims in the world; then again, America is the best at everything worth being good at.
The Best Solutions Are the Simplest Ones
North Korea has declared the 1994 agreement “void” since we have cut off shipments of fuel oil to them since they violated the 1994 agreement by making nuclear weapons because they thought we were mean to them.
Just nuke them.
Come on, why the hell should America have to deal with this crap? We got nukes, so let’s use them. We have more important things to deal with than diplomacy with a dictatorship that makes four year olds look like rational actors. And it’s not like we’re going to miss all of North Korea’s excellent exports. Actually, the more I think about it, there isn’t one good reason not to nuke them. They’re potentially volatile and of no use to us, so they are the perfect candidate for a nuclear strike. Plus, we already have nukes, so it won’t cost us a thing. If other countries don’t like our assertive foreign policy approach, Bush can blame it on them.
“I wanted to come up with a diplomatic solution, but you people are always making fun of the way I speak and I just got too nervous to talk with North Korea. Only option left was a tactical nuclear strike… did I say ‘nuclear’ right?”
And, if they really start complaining, we can remind those weren’t our only nukes.
Links of the Day
My archnemesis Scrappleface reports on a solution to suicide bombings that hopefully will work.
I was very good at about every subject in school except for geography. The Emperor doesn’t think that matters.
Eugene Volokh has found a handy new Latin phrase. Plus, he found there was an all-female Texas Supreme Court in 1925. I guess the women’s movement peaked early.
John Hawkins has learned that the gay, black vote is now going Republican and that’s it’s driving the Democratic Underground crazy.
Finally, Camille has tips on dieting. Some reason I find them really interesting even though currently my youthful metabolism keeps me thin no matter what I eat. I hear it will break down one day, but I might as well enjoy the ride while it lasts.
Just When You Thought the Donks Couldn’t Get Any Whinier…
Serial whiny bitch Daschle says he’s been getting threats because people are saying mean things about him. Rush Limbaugh and others in talk radio have been pointing out what a slimy weasel Daschle is, and he claims this lead to threats against him and his family – though he wouldn’t elaborate. So let’s never criticize Daschle about his politics again, because he may get scared and cry, okay? Seriously, my guess is that it’s from other Democrats upset about the losses, but what would a threat from a Democrat sound like? “Resign now or I’ll slap you silly!” Then again, which of you aren’t thinking of punching Daschle right now? Be honest. That’s right; after hearing him whine like this, about everyone wants to smack him. It’s just a natural, human response.
The Democrats are such a bunch of peacenik complainers that I don’t know how any man could ever admit to being one. Actually, the way things are going, I bet by the end of this decade it will be more insulting to one’s manhood to imply they’re a Democrat than to imply they’re gay. At school, one kid will call another kid a “Kennedy voter” and a fight will break out. People will say in hushed whispers, “I think Steve may be… uh… how do I put this… ‘friends with the donkeys’… not that there’s anything wrong with that!”
Democrats just better not start asking for special rights.
Links of the Day
Kim du Toit’s gratuitous gun pic today is of the Skorpion (the Klobb for those who played Goldeneye for the N64). This gun is a bit of a sore subject for me. The lobby scene in The Matrix was one of the greatest pieces of art ever made – nearly perfect except for one part. You see Neo clearly firing two Skorpions, but then they cut to his feet and you see rifle casings hitting the ground. I know it’s a virtual world, but a Skorpion firing rifle rounds? Come on!
Michele, The Most Hawkish and Blood-Hungry Blogger, fell for an internet hoax (a really good one). The complaint about the Real Ultimate Power site causing violence does seem credible, though, because I visited that webpage a while ago and it got me so pumped I nearly kicked my mom in the face. It was totally sweet.
Speaking of humor sites, Joanne Jacobs pointed out this one. Sally and Johnny are white, yet black people totally love them. It’s crazy!
I haven’t complained about us not attacking Iraq for over a day now, so instead go to Empire of Man for a quick rant.
The Carnival of the Vanities is up.
Finding Terrorists Too Scary, Canadians Attack Frank
I know many of you come to IMAO to hear the opinion of a real American on the important issues of today, but do you ever wonder what a Canadian thinks? No, it’s never crossed my mind either, but Glenn from Canada left this comment to a previous post (comment is slightly edited to remove objectionable content and for fun):
Why doesn’t America bomb the f–k out of the whole word and get it over with, eh … cause then your desire to kill will mean you will have to kill Americans. and you will do it. and wouldn’t that be a treat, eh? oh, i’m sorry, you already do kill each other on a daily basis. my thanks to the beltway sniper for all the laughs. one suggestion though for the future, don’t kill american adults, kill the children so they won’t breed, eh.
He then repeated his comment in French as required by law.
Now, though I have wrote a short history of Canada, I’m no expert on Canadians. I’m not even really sure where their country is; I mean, they’re never in the news or seemed particularly significant, so I never bothered to learn anything about them. I believe it’s a squalid dictatorship like many countries that aren’t kick ass like the U.S., and the people are thus fed anti-Americanism to distract them from their own problems. Bombing them would only feed into this anti-Americanism, but any other solution would involve not bombing them and I just don’t think that’s morally right.
Incidentally, I just read Jonah Goldberg’s cover article of the latest National Review which is all about how Canada is completely useless and that invading them would do them some good. Everyone should give it a look-see, especially Glenn.
The Homeland Will Be Secure When Our Enemies Are All Dead
Despite Democrat’s utter contempt for the safety of the American people, the Homeland Security Bill has been passed. I’m too lazy to read anything about it and thus develop an opinion on it, but here are some provisions I hope are in it:
*Makes it clear that the Muslim tradition of murdering infidels is no longer a protected form of religious expression.
*Since many terrorists get in through Canada, all of Canada will be mined. As an extra precaution, anyone ending a sentence in “eh?” will be immediately shot.
*Panama will be nuked to create a larger gap between peaceful North America and the dangerous South America.
*Home ownership of firearms will be encouraged by a declaration that anyone who doesn’t own a gun is a “pussy.”
*Anyone excited about Gore running for the presidency will be placed on a watch list. Gore himself will be placed in a solitary confinement in a sound proof room composed entirely of plastic just in case he has powers like Magneto or plans on speaking again.
*Since vast national forests are a good place for terrorists to hide, they will be infested with ninjas.
*All liberal universities will be bombed. The six remaining universities will be watched carefully.
*It is now illegal to be French.
*Ann Arbor, Michigan will be placed on the list of terrorist nations. U.S. will enforce a regime change if they don’t tell us where they’re hiding their WMD’s.
*Voting for a Democrat is now considered an attack against the nation’s security and is classified as an act of treason.
As always, if you have any more suggestions to help national security, put them in the comments section.