Rumsfeld said that if the United States goes to war over weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, the American military would move to “finish it fast.” When asked to clarify what that means, he said, “We’re going to nuke the bastards.”
When asked by a reporter if that he meant they would use a nuclear strike against Iraq if WMD’s were used on U.S. troops, Rumsfeld replied, “We’ll probably claim that’s what happened when we nuke them just to calm the nancy boys in Europe, but I’m pretty set on nuking them no matter what. As soon as some Iraqi passes gas near one of our troops, we’ll cry ‘Biological warfare!’ and then nuke the bastards.”
He was then asked how they will minimize collateral damage, Rumsfeld immediately started laughing. “Minimize! I want to maximize it! I don’t like many of the countries near Iraq and am hoping we can spill some of the carnage into them and just tell them, ‘Oops, sorry about that one.’ Stupid bastards.”
When asked if he was concerned about many innocent people being killed, Rumsfeld stated that the U.S. position is of “complete unconcern” and that “all the bastards have it coming.”
“Won’t using nuclear weapons cause even greater problems by turning all civilized nations against the U.S.? It almost seems idiotic to settle on using nuclear weapons at this point.” said a hysterical reporter who was probably a Commie.
Rumsfeld look extremely perturbed to have his methods questioned. “Know what? I have a problem: my gun has too many bullets in it.” He then pulled out a luger and shot the reporter. “There; problem solved.”
The French ambassador to America – probably named Pierre – expressed displeasure at the Defense Secretary’s “combative” attitude. “We should at least wait until inspections are done before we talk about the possibility of discussing whether or not we will talk about putting war on the table as a possible but unlikely option.” The ambassador was then interrupted by automatic gunfire tearing through the embassy’s walls. A glance out the window showed that Rumsfeld was the gunman, Rumsfeld giving the startled ambassador the finger before speeding off in his Buick.
Soon after, Bush said he disagreed with Rumsfeld doing a drive-by-shooting of the French embassy, but said, “There is room for all sorts of opinions in my administration.”