“The Bush administration has continued its pattern of sacrificing our environment to the demands of special interests,” said Sen. James Jeffords in the Democrats’ weekly radio response as he tried to ignore the grim specter of death that floated above him.
“This year the power industry is getting a nice Christmas gift…” Jeffords continued, stopping momentarily as he was transfixed by the ghost’s glowing red eyes. He forced himself to look away. “…the biggest weakening of the Clean Air Act in history.”
“You betrayed the Republican party,” the wraith said, it’s words seeming to echo within Jeffords’ own head, “You handed the majority to the Democrats.” It floated closer to Jeffords, setting itself inches before Jeffords’ quivering face. “But now the Republicans will have the majority again, and I am here… for you!”
“I made a decision based on my conscience!” Jeffords screamed, and then realized he was still on the air. “Hopefully, moderates in both parties can do what we’ve done before,” he said as he glanced at a book he bought about Japanese ritual suicide. “Do I really have to disembowel myself before my eldest son cuts off my head?” he wondered aloud before he was finally cut off the air.
When the White House was asked for a response, president Bush’s press secretary Ari Fleischer refused to give one, saying it was pointless since “dead men do not speak.”
On whether there would be a backlash against Jeffords when the Republicans take the majority in the Senate, Fleischer said, “Are you reporters all retarded? Of course we’ll seek vengeance. We have a mandate from the people to hand out punishment to all our enemies. He is going to wish he was never elected to public office. Originally, we were going to have Trent Lott beat him up on the floor of the Senate until the president pro tempore would finally yell, “Finish him!” Then Lott would rip Jeffords head out along with his spine and hold it up for a nice photo op and warning to all other potential Judases. Unfortunately, we found out we would need a two-thirds majority in the Senate to do that. Instead, we’ll find a slow torture for him, one that will make decapitation seem merciful.” He then laughed manically, shouted, “No more questions from you fools!” and then pulled his cloak around him before storming away.