My archnemesis Scrappleface has one of the reasons I’m not scared of the North Koreans and their silly little missiles.
Anna of the Belligerent Bunny Blog thinks James Coburn faked his death like he has before in Our Man Flint.
Do we need more Muslims in the U.S.? We must ask the Emperor…
John Hawkins thinks the Republicans should now make more of an effort to get the black vote. If that happens, there will be pretty much no one left voting for the Donks.
And today is National Ammo Day! Probably should have mentioned that yesterday…
BTW, if anyone could tell me how to get software to set up an online petition, I would greatly appreciate it.
Archive of entries posted on November 2002
No One Should Live Long Enough to “Frequently” Shoot at Us
I just had a revelation. From this article, I read the paragraph:
The inspectors arrived in the Iraqi capital as allied warplanes bombed Iraqi air defense systems in the northern no-fly zone after the U.S. military said the jets were fired on during routine patrols. Iraq considers such patrols a violation of its sovereignty and frequently shoots at them.
If Iraq frequently shoots at us, why the @#%& do we need any other reason to bomb the crap out of them?! We’re the good guys – we’re the people who help others around the world – and thus attacking us is proof one is insanely evil and must be destroyed. What we really should have done was obliterate Iraq the second a single radar locked on one of our planes. Otherwise, we give countries the impression they can attack us and only get a lot of people killed instead of everyone killed. Next time we get fired upon, let’s not respond immediately and blow up the installations with anti-radar missiles. Instead, let’s send some special ops people to follow the soldiers responsible to their homes. After we find out where they live, we destroy those entire cities. That’ll learn people that Americans are the good guys, and, that if you cross us, we’ll kill you and everyone you care about.
North Korea: No Respect
I have to admit, it is kind of funny how, when Iraq claims to not have WMD’s, we’re jumping all over them and threatening war, but, when North Korea says it has nuclear weapons, we’re like, “Sure you do, North Korea. We believe you, and we’re all really scared and threatened too. We have just one question before we start making concessions to you: what kind of cardboard did you use to make your missile.” And then we point and laugh at North Korea’s funny looking dictator, who starts screaming, “I do to have nuclear missiles! I will kill all you evil imperialists! And then I will… Hey! Stop watching The Simpsons! Be threatened by me!”
North Korea seems to be the most pathetic remaining Communist country. I mean, at least I’ve actually heard of people visiting Vietnam. Even if North Korea has nuclear weapons, they’re people are probably so starving that they don’t even have enough energy to push the button. Still, they act just like the French trying to pretend they’re of some importance in the world. When they found out we had them on a list for nuclear preemptive strikes, they proclaimed we had declared war on them and would respond in kind. Yeah, if we actually had declared war on them, they’d be making their next press release through an ouiji board. I mean, how long could an invasion of North Korea take? An afternoon? They’d all surrender first chance they got so they could get some food. Just bring a box of chicken wings from KFC and I think we could have a bloodless coup.
Gore-Bot Goes on Rampage
Gore has been steaming about the election for so long that his circuits have now completely blown, and, like any good robot, he has reverted to his default programming of “kill all humans.” In a new article from Time, Gore says that Bush’s economic agenda is “catastrophic,” his foreign policy “horrible,” his environmental stance “immoral.” “Destroy! Destroy!” Gore added, flaying his arms wildly.
“Our country is headed for very deep trouble,” Gore told Time. “I wish it were not so, but I believe that with all my heart.” Gore’s heart, BTW, is composed of titanium with rubber tubing. In actuality (that’s a pompous way of saying “Actually”; you like it?), Gore’s heart contains no logic functions or memory banks, and thus this statement is further evidence of faulty programming.
“I think that our economic plan has zero chance of working. I think that it is wrong at its core,” Gore continued, his eyes starting to glow red. “I think that our foreign policy, based on an openly proclaimed intention to dominate the world, is a recipe for getting our country in some of the worst trouble it’s ever been in.” He then explained how only Gore-bot can dominate the world, and that all who oppose him will be destroyed.
Gore, the Giant Ogre-like Robotic Entity, also said that Bush has compiled the worst economic record since Herbert Hoover. This is interesting, because it was Hoover who commissioned the creations of the Gore-bot. After being rebuffed by the American people, Hoover became obsessed with the world’s destruction and thus created the Gore-bot to that end. Most people don’t know of Hoover’s secret supervillian alter-ego having mistakenly though his secret was that he dressed in woman’s clothing when they confused him with J. Edgar Hoover.
Despite the smoke visibly emanating from Gore’s ears, 61% of Democrats said they would like to see Gore run for President in 2004. What the article doesn’t mention is that 82% of Republicans would also like to see Gore run for president again in 2004, with 10% thinking that would be too cruel to Gore and the remaining 8% fearing he may go on a bloody rampage when he loses again. This is a legitimate fear, as the Gore-bot is bulletproof and could probably only be brought down by some sort of military EMP weapon. This is quite different from most other Democrats who wish to run for president, as they can usually be subdued by a simple bitch-slapping.
Personally, I would not write off the threat of Gore running for president in 2004. I hear that Tipper, his wife/head engineer, is planning to outfit him with rocket launchers and a rail gun. To be on the safe side, Bush should create some sort of cybernetic, exo-skeleton by 2004, and they should speed up converting Cheney into a cyborg. He will be only half-human, but that still infinitely more human than Gore.
As Dumb as They Seem, Apparently They Are Literate
A correspondent for Al-Jazeera said he has received a six page document threatening more attacks on New York and Washington unless we stop supporting Israel and other governments that “oppress” Muslims. They also called on us to all convert to Islam. There has been no immediate response from Washington; perhaps they’re all busy converting to Islam (snicker snicker).
I have a few things to say about this. First off, the threat is six pages long. How the hell can you go on for six pages with a threat? If you’re trying to scare people, don’t bore them.
Second, why New York and Washington again? We have other cities. Maybe they like some restaurants there.
Thirdly, what’s this about not supporting governments that oppress Muslims? That pretty much rules out every government in the Middle East.
Lastly, one thing I like about Christianity is that there are other reasons to be a Christian than avoiding being blown up by Christians. The Muslims, on the other hand, seem to have the “avoid being blown up” reason as their main argument. I know absolutely no other reason to be a Muslim than to steer clear of the wrath of other Muslims, and even that is certainly not a hundred percent effective. If Muslims go door to door like Jehovah Witnesses, I hope they have better reasons, or maybe it is just them shouting, “Convert to Islam or I keeeel you!” and then handing you a pamphlet entitled “The Advantages of Not Being Blown Up by Muslims” and maybe another one called “‘Islam Means Peace’ and Other Ironies.”
In My World: “Rumsfeld: Iraqi ‘Bastards’ Will Be Nuked”
Rumsfeld said that if the United States goes to war over weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, the American military would move to “finish it fast.” When asked to clarify what that means, he said, “We’re going to nuke the bastards.”
When asked by a reporter if that he meant they would use a nuclear strike against Iraq if WMD’s were used on U.S. troops, Rumsfeld replied, “We’ll probably claim that’s what happened when we nuke them just to calm the nancy boys in Europe, but I’m pretty set on nuking them no matter what. As soon as some Iraqi passes gas near one of our troops, we’ll cry ‘Biological warfare!’ and then nuke the bastards.”
He was then asked how they will minimize collateral damage, Rumsfeld immediately started laughing. “Minimize! I want to maximize it! I don’t like many of the countries near Iraq and am hoping we can spill some of the carnage into them and just tell them, ‘Oops, sorry about that one.’ Stupid bastards.”
When asked if he was concerned about many innocent people being killed, Rumsfeld stated that the U.S. position is of “complete unconcern” and that “all the bastards have it coming.”
“Won’t using nuclear weapons cause even greater problems by turning all civilized nations against the U.S.? It almost seems idiotic to settle on using nuclear weapons at this point.” said a hysterical reporter who was probably a Commie.
Rumsfeld look extremely perturbed to have his methods questioned. “Know what? I have a problem: my gun has too many bullets in it.” He then pulled out a luger and shot the reporter. “There; problem solved.”
The French ambassador to America – probably named Pierre – expressed displeasure at the Defense Secretary’s “combative” attitude. “We should at least wait until inspections are done before we talk about the possibility of discussing whether or not we will talk about putting war on the table as a possible but unlikely option.” The ambassador was then interrupted by automatic gunfire tearing through the embassy’s walls. A glance out the window showed that Rumsfeld was the gunman, Rumsfeld giving the startled ambassador the finger before speeding off in his Buick.
Soon after, Bush said he disagreed with Rumsfeld doing a drive-by-shooting of the French embassy, but said, “There is room for all sorts of opinions in my administration.”
There Are Many Dumbasses in Florida… in Other Counties than Brevard
I had commented on this trial earlier, and now the results are in: the gun is 5% liable, the owner of the gun who it was stolen from is liable, the school board is liable, and the punk kid who murdered the teacher is not liable. If some other punk kid hears this decision and tries to commit murder, how liable will this jury be? I say we take all those jury member and lock them in a room with a bunch of armed, un-liable punk kids. (Thanks to Right Wing News for the link)
Link of the Day
Icchan of Spent Casings has called it quits. I hate to see a good blogger go, but I hope I’ll still see his comments from time to time.
Let’s Bomb France… For Real
Michele, the most Blood-Hungry blogger, posted in the comments to my last post that we should bomb France. It’s a common sentiment among the Hawks, as, since the dawn of time, man has always yearned to bomb the French. Immediately after the successful test flight at Kitty Hawk, Orville Wright’s (or was it Wilbur’s?) first statement was, “If we could make it fly a bit higher and a bit longer, we could bomb the crap out of France!” Less than seventy years later, America set foot on the moon, but, still, to this day, we have never bombed France. Why is that? Fear of having to deal with French refugees, perhaps? Whatever the reason, one of America’s legacies goes unfulfilled– but I say no longer. We should start a grassroots movement to have France bombed by the U.S. military, finally using the internet for something useful instead of just the instant dissemination of porn. I’m willing to set up a new page devoted to lobbying the government to bomb France. On it, we can have essays about why we should bomb France and all the good that will bring to the world. Maybe we can also have poetry about bombing France and drawings by children of Paris getting blown apart. Plus, we can start one of those online signature things like Not In Our Name – except maybe it could be “Please, In Our Name” – allowing people to put their names down in support of bombing France. The signatures and essays can then be sent to members of Congress in a lobbying effort to get an attack underway. So, is there interest? If there is, I would be willing to devote some time to this important project (though I might need some help with the html).
No Oil for You!
The Bush administration has decided to suspend oil shipments to the North Koreans until they dismantle their nuclear weapons program. They already have like no food, but now they won’t even be able to drive to McDonalds when they get hungry. We should post our troops all along the North Korean border so they can stand there and point and laugh at the stupid, starving, oil-less Commies.
South Korea and Japan don’t want the shipments to be stopped because they want to appease North Korea and not make them mad. Man, it’s like all nations other that the U.S. are either violent and evil or whiny little pansy. What America really needs to do to keep its standing in the world is bomb the crap out of a nation that is usually considered an ally. This will drive home the point that, as scary as some nations are out there, we’re much scarier and we will hurt you. Don’t appease them; appease us.
Links of the Day
Man, I haven’t done this in a while. Must mean there hasn’t been anything in the blogosphere worth reading for a week or so. Actually, I’ve been really busy plus I just got HDTV, so I haven’t been able to do as much reading as I used to. Anyhoo…
Empire of Man demonstrates how to generate traffic for someone.
Joshua Ferguson analyzes what the new bin Laden tape could mean for us. He also mentions me. I like it when people mention me.
Dustbury explains why the bull must be killed in bullfighting and who, surprisingly, is to blame.
Finally, Bigwig has a new Carnival of the Vanities up.
Enjoy and God bless.
You Say You Want an Execution
Hmm, everything is reminding me of Beatles songs now. Anyway, a new tape is evidence that Osama bin Laden is alive and kicking. Hooray! This means we still have an opportunity to capture and execute him in a fitting manner. Here are some of my humble suggestions:
Skeet Shooting: Launch Osama into the air with a catapult. Then shoot him with a patriot missile.
This Execution Sponsored by the NRA: Get massive firing squad. Try to set record for most bullets fired into a single human. First only use sharpshooters to try to set the record for most bullets shot into a person without killing him.
The Sampler: All traditional execution rolled into one. Hung by his neck by a wire that’s electrocuting him while a guillotine slices him causing him to fall into a vat of boiling oil. Can also first improperly administer lethal injection (no alcohol swab for him).
Two for One Special: Tie Osama to a cluster bomb. Try and drop it in Iraq such that it kills Saddam. If we can trick Arafat into visiting Saddam before the strike, we can make it a hat trick.
Not by the Hairs of My Chiny Chin Chin: Hang him by his beard over a cage filled with mutant killer pigs. Eventually his whiskers will give and then he’ll be ripped apart and eaten by the swine. If I know the religion of Islam (and I don’t), his god will then send him to pig hell where pigs run an authoritarian government. Osama will then be forced to work in their underground slop mines for all eternity.
Death by Appeal: America only threatens to execute him. Europeans will then prattle on and on about how horrible and barbaric America. Tie Osama up and force him to listen to everything they say until the brain’s defense mechanism kicks in causing it to consume itself.
If anyone has any other ideas, put them in the comments section or e-mail them to your congressperson.
Blogging Karaoke
Emperor Misha I recently wrote a song, and it inspired me to finally write one that I’ve been meaning to put together for a while. It’s sung to the tune of the Beatles song “All You Need is Love”:
Guns, guns, guns.
Guns, guns, guns.
Guns, guns, guns.
There’s nothing you can shoot that can’t be shot.
Nothing you can fight that can’t be fought.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to steady your aim
It’s easy.
There’s nothing you can harm that can’t be harmed.
No one you can kill that can’t be killed.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to mount a defense
It’s easy.
All you need are guns.
All you need are guns.
All you need are guns, guns.
Guns are all you need.
Guns, guns, guns.
Guns, guns, guns.
Guns, guns, guns.
All you need are guns.
All you need are guns.
All you need are guns, guns.
Guns are all you need.
There’s nothing you can load that can’t be reloaded.
Nothing you can see that can’t be sighted.
Nowhere you can be that aren’t where you’re safe to be.
It’s easy.
All you need are guns.
All you need are guns.
All you need are guns, guns.
Guns are all you need.
All you need are guns. (all together now)
All you need are guns. (everybody –or I start shooting)
All you need are guns, guns.
Guns are all you need.
In My World: “Iraq Definantly Refuses to Give Opinion on U.N. Resolution”
Today, the Iraqi parliament was scheduled to vote on whether to accept the U.N. resolution , but, just before the vote, they were all killed by a U.S. bomb attack. This bombing came just hours after Saddam’s son — whose voice carries weight in Iraq — was killed by a sniper bullet just as he was about to give his opinion on the resolution.
“This is an outrage,” Ari Fleischer told the press with poorly faked anger. “No one in Iraq has yet to even mentioned the U.N. resolution. This is pure defiance, and I think the only solution is to start fire bombing Iraq and the countries near it.” He then took a few casual sips from a martini.
“Isn’t the reason we haven’t heard a decision from Iraq because the U.S. keeps killing anyone who is about to say something about it,” asked a reporter just before being jumped on and then pummeled by Fleischer. There were no more questions, though there was some crying.
Saddam is said to soon be giving his decision on the U.N. Resolution, but no exact time table has been given as he is “very scared” and “in need of a new pair of pants.”
“If we do not hear a decision soon,” Bush said in a speech from the Whitehouse lawn, “we will have no choice but to kill Arafat.”
When asked why Arafat, Bush responded, “Isn’t he the leader of Iraq?”
Seeing confused looks from the crowd, he then asked, “So, if I were to kill Arafat in a hail of gun fire in vengeance for him trying to assassinate my father, I’d look kind of stupid?”
Bush then looked agitated. “On an unrelated matter, I need to very quickly make some phone calls.” He then turned to leave, but suddenly stopped saying, “Ah, f–k it. I’m going to go play some golf.”
I’ll Get in This Time… THUNK!
There is a race to fill the post of Minority Leader now that Gebhardt is fleeing with his tail between his legs, and currently Nancy Pelosi is the front-runner, though Harold Ford is trying to challenge her. Now, the first question that comes to mind is, if you saw someone a number of time on TV and didn’t know he was black until you read it in an article, is he actually black? The other and more relevant question is will we have to kill Nancy Pelosi just like we did Wellstone? Pelosi is literally a San Francisco Democrat and voted against the war plus – I’m just assuming this – she’s a Communist. I don’t see how she is supposed to do anything other than marginalize the Democrats even more, but, hey, I’m no political strategist. Still, the Democrats are starting to look like a bird that keeps repeatedly smacking into a glass window; it’s a bit pathetic, but it’s fun to watch.