I just went through the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disney World this morning, and there was still a part with little Iraqi kids singing along. What gives? I thought we would have annihilated that country by now. Ends up that we’re waiting on an inspection team to find a “material breach” before we can give the g’damn Iraqis an extended weapons demo. Yes, our hopes of war rest on someone named Blix. Iraq keeps saying that this whole inspection thing is just a pretext to attack them, and I’m like, “Finally; someone is talking some sense.” So do the Iraqis then know when we give up with the pretext and finally attack them, because I would really appreciate it if they told me. And they should make sure the rascally Blix knows it’s all a pretext, too, because I’m not sure if he got that memo. He may actually be waiting to try and find some WMD’s which the Iraqis have had plenty of time to hide. Well, just in case we can’t find anything substantial, I’ve come up with a list of excuses for war with Iraq we can tell the U.N.
Top Ten Excuses for War with Iraq
10. They say that war is good for the economy, and the Iraqi economy could really use some improvement.
9. Though we didn’t find any actual evidence of biological weapons, it sure does smell funny there.
8. Not having a ‘u’ follow Iraq’s ‘q’ is a violation of international spelling laws.
7. If our Marines don’t get to kill people soon, they’re going to suffer bouts of depression.
6. We want to steal their oil and keep it for ourselves, and there’s not a goddamn thing any of EUnuchs can do about it. Muh-ha ha ha ha!
5. Iraq’s army has more bushy mustaches than is allowed by the Geneva Convention.
4. Though we can’t prove they have any ties to terrorism, we have direct evidence of them funding the “Anna Nicole Smith Show.”
3. They’re mean.
2. We have never heard that Edwin Starr song and are thus unaware of the futility of war.
And the number one excuse for going to war with Iraq…
We’re America; we don’t need excuses.
11) too many 4 letter countries over there beginning with I, lets keep it simple and just have one
12) f*** it, let’s keep it really simple and have none
13) we need their sand for our soda pop bottles, glass is so much better than stupid cans, and our sand is already being used on the beaches by our beautiful and half naked women
14) our supply of Saddam portraits are just about exhausted
15) Baghdad centrally located for first Arab DisneyWorld
16) we’re tired about hearing “Kurds in the north” sounds too much like Wisconson cheese, which we’ve already got enough of , thank you
17) Presidential Palaces: hot, new vacation getaways
18) need new markets for our imported Chinese trinkets
19) We’ve got much cooler names for our weapons systems, e.g. The Arrow vs. Scud
and finally,
20) we need some Iraqi taxi drivers, most of our cabbies are learning English; just when we were getting used to gibberish,
“Dammit Cabbie!! I said the Airport, not a fricken Gold Course!! What’s wrong with you.. no I won’t pay the fare now.. let me out.. no.. What do you mean tip? Wait..what did you call me?”
Yeah… we need more of that.
Frank,
You say “funding the Anna Nicole Smith show” like that was A Bad Thing.
They COULD have done worse — like funding Phil Donahue.
Oh wait, they DID fund that show….
I guess we’re gonna have to destroy Qatar, too, in keeping with rule #8? And, Frank, I have lost a great deal of respect for you as a result of your ride through “It’s a Small World” 🙂 I have deliberately avoided that disgustingly cloying ride for at least 10 years.
What are we waiting for? Well, we have to get everything in position, don’t you know.
The optimists (like me) think we’ll be attacking before Christmas. Others claim we won’t have everything (including people) in place until January.
Patience, young Jedi. Bush hasn’t screwed up yet.
Iraq is funding the Anna Nicole Smith Show? OMG, nuke the bastards! Now!!!
I knew there was a reason I loved reading this blog. Thanks for laughs, Frank.