Hmm, everything is reminding me of Beatles songs now. Anyway, a new tape is evidence that Osama bin Laden is alive and kicking. Hooray! This means we still have an opportunity to capture and execute him in a fitting manner. Here are some of my humble suggestions:
Skeet Shooting: Launch Osama into the air with a catapult. Then shoot him with a patriot missile.
This Execution Sponsored by the NRA: Get massive firing squad. Try to set record for most bullets fired into a single human. First only use sharpshooters to try to set the record for most bullets shot into a person without killing him.
The Sampler: All traditional execution rolled into one. Hung by his neck by a wire that’s electrocuting him while a guillotine slices him causing him to fall into a vat of boiling oil. Can also first improperly administer lethal injection (no alcohol swab for him).
Two for One Special: Tie Osama to a cluster bomb. Try and drop it in Iraq such that it kills Saddam. If we can trick Arafat into visiting Saddam before the strike, we can make it a hat trick.
Not by the Hairs of My Chiny Chin Chin: Hang him by his beard over a cage filled with mutant killer pigs. Eventually his whiskers will give and then he’ll be ripped apart and eaten by the swine. If I know the religion of Islam (and I don’t), his god will then send him to pig hell where pigs run an authoritarian government. Osama will then be forced to work in their underground slop mines for all eternity.
Death by Appeal: America only threatens to execute him. Europeans will then prattle on and on about how horrible and barbaric America. Tie Osama up and force him to listen to everything they say until the brain’s defense mechanism kicks in causing it to consume itself.
If anyone has any other ideas, put them in the comments section or e-mail them to your congressperson.
Make him the star of the sequel to “Jackass: the Movie” but with much more imaginitive stunts… much more imaginitive: things involving extreme altitudes, temperatures, speeds, weights, pressures, voltages, accelerations, etc. (all within the bounds of humanity, of course).
Oh, I forgot to add: animals, chemicals, and pointy objects.
Slow roasting. Like a pig.
While a slow, nasty death for Osama would make our day, that perverted bastard would die thinking he was a glorious martyr for Allah. Instead, he should be placed in a glass cell situated at the WTC site in New York. Feed him three meals a day, and force him to die a natural (non-martyred,no virgins)death.
Now how did we drive Noriega insane? Hagar, baby: HAGAR!
(I know, Geneva and stuff, but just one more time please)
Tie him to a chair in a Starbucks, force him to drink their horrible coffee, put ear phones on him and make him listen to a continuos loop of Barbara Streisand, with nothing to read except the New York Times.
That last one was just mean. I like it.
My God, Mrs. du Toit! Let us at least keep a thin veneer of mercy!
New York is full of many great deli’s
Find a deli with a nice meat slicer.
With a dull blade.
Every member of the families that had a loved one die get to take one slice off of him.
Then feed the slices to pigs.
We lock him in a room with Noam Chomsky and Michael Moore. Three birds with one stone.
You dont want to kill osama. Each day shoot him in the Knee caps, then repair them with surgey (with no anasthetic), and then shoot him in the knees again (repeat this process for the rest of his natural days). This way he Really really suffers, but doesnt get teh satisfaction of dyign as a martyr.
Of course, according to Robin Williams translation of the Koran, if you die a matyr, you are awarded 71 crystal clear raisins….
I think we should build a structure equally as tall as the WTC buildings. Force Bin Laden and his cronies, to the top. We should then set the structure on fire and give them the option of burning to death or throwing themselves from one of the tallest structures in the world, the way they did to thousands of people.
adsolutely brilliant, andy. absolutely brilliant
I think that we should give President Bush a scalpel and let him slice up Osama. After this we cremate him and turn him into a diamond -see http://www.cio.com/archive/010103/18.html – and we take this diamond, sharpen it, and then let Bush kill Saddam with it. Cremate Saddam, turn him into a diamond, and continue the chain, preferably in all of France.
Later we auction all the diamonds off, with proceeds going to families of 9/11 vitims.
OR
Set up a computer to hold an Patton battle tank right over his head, and anytime he talks or moves, lower the weight 1/16th of an inch. The more he struggles, the faster he dies.
Filet the bastard … skin him alive
Send him to france.And then cut off the electricity.
Attack Osama with weed-wackers, then release wild rabid monkies to bite him into pieces, then drop him in a pool of salt. Before this, gorge out his eyes with a spoon. Also cut out his tongue. Then make him bath in and eat the salt. If this still does not kill him we should send him to the moon with other really stupid annoying homos such as child-molestor jackson and blow up the moon! who really needs it anyways? This will also take care of any competition with Russia or any other asian countries.