The U.S. has been expressing concern that the Iraqi weapons inspections have been too easy. “This is absurd,” Hans Blix responded to reporters, “Now let me continue to inspect this box of chocolates for WMD’s. The top row seems clean… but what about the bottom row!”
“That Hans Blix loves his chocolate!” Saddam laughed. “Now excuse me while I go use up all my chemical weapons on the Kurds before the Americans find them.”
Kofi Annan said he was happy with the inspections so far and with the Iraqi cooperation, but Donald Rumsfeld was not so impressed, saying the Americans should “murder them all.” When asked for clarification of who “them” were, Rumsfeld said, “The U.N. members and their families.”
“I’ve been telling Bush for a long time we should finally cut through the crap and kill everyone involved with the U.N., but he keeps saying that’s ‘too harsh,'” Rumsfeld explained. “I’m starting to think that guy is a fruit. Just let it be known, though, that if Blix and his inspections get in the way of our war with Iraq, I will personally gut him like a fish. I’m telling you this now so that if he is found gutted in the future, you’ll know I did it and that no one else can take credit.”
Rumsfeld then expressed his frustration about how long he has gone without a new war. “Do you know how much fun [war with Iraq] will be?” Rumsfeld said, “We’ll be killing those Iraqis left and right, as they practically have Stone Age technology compared to our modern military.” Rumsfeld then produced a small handheld computer. “See this. This is a PDA.” He then took out the stylus and touched a few points on the screen. “I just had some placed bombed.” When asked where he had bombed, Rumsfeld became irritated. “How the hell would I know? What do I look like; some computer geek? We’d still be using a telegraph to give troops orders if I had my way.”
A reporter then questioned Rumsfeld’s recent belligerent attitude towards the press. Rumsfeld responded by grabbing the reporter by his neck and lifting him into the air. The press conference abruptly ended as everyone fled in terror.