I’ve been making fun of Hans Blix and his inspection, but that’s not very constructive of me. I’ve decided to be a nice guy and offer some helpful advice to Blix on how to make those inspections more effective.
*Change your name. It’s hard to get respect if your name makes it sound like you’re a cartoon space monkey. It would be much better if you had some scary sounding German name.
*Anytime you meet a new Iraqi, offer to shake hands. Then as he reaches out, quickly inject him with sodium pentothal. That will get the truth out.
*Carry around a rubber hose. If you think someone is hiding something, take him into the back room and beat him with the hose. That will also get the truth out– or any particular truth you want.
*Remember to inspect all those bushy Iraqi mustaches. Those soup strainers are probably crawling with traces of chemical and biological weapons.
*Carry a dime bag of anthrax on you. Then, when you pat down someone who says he doesn’t have any WMD’s, you can make it look like you pulled that out of his pocket. He’ll probably think it was his and he had just forgotten about it. Then he might break down and confess to everything.
*If, as you are about to open a door, strippers suddenly appear out of nowhere or you’re attacked by ninjas or someone yells, “Hey! Look at me! I’m juggling!” that probably means you’re near the WMD’s and the Iraqis are trying to stall you while they get rid of them. Don’t fall for it.
*Since we’re going to go to war with Iraq no matter what, just say you found WMD’s to make things easier for us. We’ll appreciate it. Hell, if you come out and say, “Iraq is full of weapons of mass destruction! Kill them! Kill them now!” we’ll all love you and chant in the streets, “Blix! Blix! Blix!” or, if you took my earlier advice, “von Kˆkeritz! von Kˆkeritz! von Kˆkeritz!”
I’m here to help.
Archive of entries posted on 5th December 2002
Planned Parenthood: Killing the Unplanned for Over Twenty-Five Years
Planned Parenthood has a Christmas card out proclaiming “Choice on Earth,” and then they got the gall to pretend they don’t understand why anyone could find that offensive. Well, numbnuts, it’s because everyone knows what Planned Parenthood means when they say “choice”, and “Ripping Apart Unborn Children with a Vacuum and then Crushing Their Skull with Forceps on Earth” is not a Christmassy message. I understand how many people think abortion should be legal, but, either way, it’s not a happy thing you want to keep shoving in people’s faces. It’s a very sad thing anyone would need an abortion, not something to celebrated by running around shouting, “Callooh! Callay! The inhumanities legally available to me!” But, still, a lot of the Planned Parenthood people like to pretend abortion is some fabulous thing, like being able to have sex without contraception and then not having to deal with a pregnancy is a fundamental right (is being able to eat nothing but chocolate cake and not gain weight a fundamental right?).
I just think this is all about how the Christmas season must be especially irritating to Planned Parenthood, as Jesus’ conception was the ultimate unplanned pregnancy – an act of God, no less – and yet we actually celebrate it. That goes against everything Planned Parenthood believes. They must gnash their teeth and stomp their feet in anger every time they think about how that birth slipped passed them.