Washington has obtained a copy of the Iraq’s 12,000-page arms declaration. President Bush himself was seen to sit down and start reading it, but, after getting a quarter of the way through the first page, exclaimed, “This is boring,” and tossed it in a nearby fireplace. He then turned on a televisions musing aloud, “I wonder what’s on Comedy Central?”
“President Bush was unaware the job of presidency would ever involve heavy reading,” White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer later explained to reporters. “He, like most Americans, doesn’t really give a rat ass about the inspections and wants to get to the important business of bombing the crap out of Iraq and stealing their oil which we will either use to lower gas prices or dump it all on France and set it on fire.”
On the topic of when to expect war, Fleischer said, “I hope it will be as soon as possible because every time the President and I have to tell [Defense Secretary] Rumsfeld of a delay, it looks like he is going to hit us. All his plans for Christmas presents involve having a large supply of Iraqi skulls, so he’s going to be royally pissed if we don’t get moving soon. Right now, everyone except Condoleeza Rice is too afraid to face him, so we have to use her as a go between.”
When asked about whether he was concerned by Rumsfeld recent behavior of causing bomb scares at the French embassy, sending persistent death threats to Collin Powell, and suggesting he might start a military coup if the “nancy-boys at the White House don’t get their asses in gear,” Ari Fleischer told the press that “this was exactly the sort of behavior they expected when we hired him.”
“Actually, it isn’t me who should be worried about him doing a military coup,” Fleischer explained to the gathered reporters, “Guess who are going to be among the first people he executes if he actually goes through with it.”
“What we need to do is quickly get through all this paperwork and begin our war with Iraq,” Fleischer added, “before Rumsfeld decides to do something rash.”
When asked if there was worries that in the rush to war, they might not find out of any chemical or biological weapons Iraq has in its possession that it could then use against the U.S., Fleischer assured the press that the White House was “much more scared of Rumsfeld.”