Frank J. posted this in 2003. — The Editors

Secretary of State Colin Powell has declared a few days ago that Iraq was in a “Material Breach,” seemingly indicating America’s willingness to go to war. When asked further about the issue, he said, “Obviously, there is a practical limit to just how long you can go down the road of non-cooperation,” and then added, “Though I don’t match the bellicose nature of some of my colleagues,” probably referring to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “The suggestion that we capture our Iraqi enemies and then force them to watch their wives and children be burned alive in their own homes before we then torture the Iraqis to death is just too extreme. I don’t see any reason why the wives and children of our enemies can’t just be smothered to death and then a video tape then shown to the Iraqi before torturing commences.”

Rumsfeld was outraged by the suggestion. He first paused to vomit in disgust at the mention of Colin Powell’s name and then shouted at the reporters, “That weak-kneed, whiny liberal! Why don’t we just take America’s enemies and buy them a room at the Hilton? He should be branded a traitor for suggesting such mercy. I don’t know why Bush hired that pinko. I swear I’ll kick Bush’s ass next time I see him, and don’t think his Secret Service will stop me. They do rigorous psychological tests before hiring those people, so you can be sure that they’re all sane and thus scared of me.”

A reporter then asked Rumsfeld’s opinion on Trent Lott’s statements and the change in Republican leadership. Rumsfeld produced a Luger from under his coat and shot the reporter. He then also shot the reporter behind him.

“Let this be a lesson to you!” Rumsfeld announced, “If you ask me a question that doesn’t involve war with Iraq, I will kill you and the reporter next to you.”

President Bush seemed unconcerned with the feud between his two cabinet members. “The reason I hired them was for a diversity of opinions. On one hand, I have the laughable opinion of an annoying, useless liberal, and, on the other hand, I have that balanced by the opinion of a psychotic war monger who wants nothing more than to hurt me.”

In response to Rumsfeld’s threats, Bush said, “I’m not too worried, though, personally, I would feel better if Cheney weren’t hogging the undisclosed location all the time.”