Frank J. posted this in 2003. — The Editors
Secretary of State Colin Powell has declared a few days ago that Iraq was in a “Material Breach,” seemingly indicating America’s willingness to go to war. When asked further about the issue, he said, “Obviously, there is a practical limit to just how long you can go down the road of non-cooperation,” and then added, “Though I don’t match the bellicose nature of some of my colleagues,” probably referring to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “The suggestion that we capture our Iraqi enemies and then force them to watch their wives and children be burned alive in their own homes before we then torture the Iraqis to death is just too extreme. I don’t see any reason why the wives and children of our enemies can’t just be smothered to death and then a video tape then shown to the Iraqi before torturing commences.”
Rumsfeld was outraged by the suggestion. He first paused to vomit in disgust at the mention of Colin Powell’s name and then shouted at the reporters, “That weak-kneed, whiny liberal! Why don’t we just take America’s enemies and buy them a room at the Hilton? He should be branded a traitor for suggesting such mercy. I don’t know why Bush hired that pinko. I swear I’ll kick Bush’s ass next time I see him, and don’t think his Secret Service will stop me. They do rigorous psychological tests before hiring those people, so you can be sure that they’re all sane and thus scared of me.”
A reporter then asked Rumsfeld’s opinion on Trent Lott’s statements and the change in Republican leadership. Rumsfeld produced a Luger from under his coat and shot the reporter. He then also shot the reporter behind him.
“Let this be a lesson to you!” Rumsfeld announced, “If you ask me a question that doesn’t involve war with Iraq, I will kill you and the reporter next to you.”
President Bush seemed unconcerned with the feud between his two cabinet members. “The reason I hired them was for a diversity of opinions. On one hand, I have the laughable opinion of an annoying, useless liberal, and, on the other hand, I have that balanced by the opinion of a psychotic war monger who wants nothing more than to hurt me.”
In response to Rumsfeld’s threats, Bush said, “I’m not too worried, though, personally, I would feel better if Cheney weren’t hogging the undisclosed location all the time.”
“He first paused to vomit in disgust…”
I think you are referring to his breath-ray. You can tell when he’s about to use it, because the plates on his back light up.
When he’s really angry, he unleashes his giant green tail and stomps all over the poor press club.
Frank J. Does it again!!! Rumsfeld is fantabulous!
Aw shit. I think Rummy’s going all soft on us. Pulling a goddam sissyboy luger instead of a good old red-blooded American 1911. I’m tellin’ ya kids, the army took a turn for the worse when it traded in the trusty .45 for that euroweenie 9mm.
Oh, and welcome back, Frank.
Dittos, welcome back. Hope you had a Merry Christmas
Blasphemer!!! There is no way Rummy would pull a Luger…pissy little ladylike 9mm. He would never dishonor even a reporter by killing him with such a girly “weapon”. I quarantee Rummy is a .45 ACP man.
John Moses Browning must be rolling over in his grave at the thought of the Secretary of War using anything other than the excellent Model 1911. Of course I could also see Rummy with a .454 Casul or .480 Ruger.
Welcome back, Frank. I agree with the others: Rummy should have another weapon. Either a Les Baer 1911 or…a Magnum Research Desert Eagle .50AE.
This was just to get something off my chest; regular broadcast doesn’t start again until Jan. 2.
I chose the luger based on it being such an old design as I see Rumsfeld as an old-fashioned, no non-sense type of guy. I’m sure he’s lethal with any caliber.
First all the great College Bowl Games on New Years, and then IMAO comes back on Jan 02. Next week is going to be great.
Problem is that your “humor” is their wish for reality. This is too close to what they break wishbones for.
1 word opposing “The President” or his “Homeland Security” theme unleashes all kinds of (at least) nasty epithets, potentially followed by lead poisoning. Please don’t give them any more ideas. (I coulda bin the guy sittin’ next to the idiot with the dumb question.)
Frank goes away for a few days and his website goes wonky.
Isn’t it time for him to be back already?
Apparently my site gets messed up if I don’t have post for a long while. I fixed it by adding an extra long post.
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