My new years resolution is to do more blogging and keep up my links of the day. Rachel Lucas has a much more extensive list of resolutions.
How can you criticize Frist for helping injured people at the scene of an accident? John Hawkins trudges through the Democratic Underground so you don’t have to in search of that answer. That gives me a marketing idea; would anyone be interested in buying Democratic Underground brand mixed nuts, because I know when people think nuts they think Democratic Underground.
Spooooons has what I think is a parody.
Andrea Harris has left.
Finally, Camille notices something interesting about today’s date.

Lately, North Korea has been doing everything except explicitly begging us to bomb the crap out of them. They’re this silly little country and they’re actually trying to threaten us with nukes. That seems to me to be something we can’t let stand with out a response involving excessive explosives (I still stand by my suggestion in an earlier post), but, so far, the Bush administration doesn’t seem to be talking about a military response at all (except for Rumsfeld, but he’s too kick-ass to be expected to not threaten violence against America’s enemies). Not immediately obliterating North Korea seems like a mistake to me, but then I got to thinking: sure, crushing an enemy like a bug is an expression of our righteous power, but so is being able to ignore a nuclear threat. North Korea is just a little child who wants attention, and it’s cool that they can start talking big about nukes and we can be like, “Feh.”
North Korea: “We don’t have to obey your treaties! We will destroy you imperialistic…”
America: “Hey, Skippy, we’re busy with Iraq right now. Why don’t you just sit there quietly, and we’ll be all ‘threatened’ by you later.”
North Korea: “But we really have nuclear missiles and we will…”
America: “You keep it up, and then we won’t deal with you until after Iran.”

I had to travel by plane over the holidays, and that got me thinking about what are some actually effective ways to prevent terrorists from getting on board. Why not, instead of bothering me about my trusty pocketknife, they try to psychologically screen for terrorists using a short quiz.
Here is what I came up with:
TERRORIST TEST
QUESTION 1: What is your name?
Non-terrorists have names like Larry, John, or SpongeBob. If the person answers with “Mohammed” or the nickname “The Engineer,” he’s probably a terrorist.
QUESTION 2: Fill in the blank: I want to ____ Americans.
Terrorists will not be able to help themselves from completing the sentence with the word “kill”. Non-terrorist foreigners will fill the blank in with “thank”, “hug”, or “kneel down before”.
QUESTION 3: Fill in the blank: The ones to blame are the ____.
Non-terrorists will probably become confused by this question and leave it blank since they would need to know more information about the problem before being able to assign blame. Terrorists will instinctively fill in the blank with “JEWS!!!” or “jooooos!”.
QUESTION 4: What is your opinion about the Crusades?
Most non-terrorist Americans’ knowledge about the Crusades will come exclusively from the beginning of the movie Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (or Robin Hood: Men in Tights), so one should be wary of any answer that doesn’t mention Kevin Costner. Even if the person does know something about the Crusades, he or she will probably not have much of an opinion about it as it seems as relevant to modern life as the battle between Thag and Zork in 30,000 B.C. over who got to next paint a buffalo on the cave wall. Only dirty terrorists care about the Crusades.
MULTIPLE CHOICE SECTION
The terrorist answer to all of these is D.
QUESTION 5:
Islam means ____.
A. peace.
B. submission.
C. That you are a “lam.”
D. kill the Jews!!!
QUESTION 6:
Children should be
A. seen and not heard
B. cherished
C. given Ritalin
D. blown up
QUESTION 7:
If you got a new puppy, what would you name him?
A. Rover
B. Fluffy
C. GK Chesterton
D. Infidel… and then hang him
QUESTION 8:
The sun sets every night because of
A. the earth rotating
B. the earth revolving around the sun
C. the sun revolving around the earth
D. a Zionist conspiracy
QUESTION 9:
My parents want me
A. to be happy
B. to make something of myself
C. to get a job
D. to blow myself up in a crowded area
QUESTION 10:
At the end of the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, I immediately thought
A. “What a great movie!”
B. “It could have been more faithful to the book.”
C. “I need to pee.”
D. “Kill the Jews!”
If the test reveals the person to be a terrorist, proper procedure should be for the ticket taker to pull out a gun and unload it into the person while shouting, “Take that, you dirty terrorist!” I know that if I see a terrorist gunned down in front of me just before boarding the plane, I’ll feel much safer.

It’s a new year, and I’m back and smarter than ever! Unfortunately, I didn’t read much news over the holiday, so I have some catching up to do. I see that Trent Lott stepped aside and now Frist will be the Majority Leader (he was, incidentally, first on my list), so has that finally gotten that distraction out of the news cycle? Also, it seems that poor, suicidal North Korea is begging to get blown up more than ever. I think we really need to bomb them just to enforce the fact that you can’t talk to America like that and not be made dead. Now, I assume that during my news black out we finally went and handled the Iraq problem… holy crap! It’s still there! What gives? And, apparently, Canada is flooding us with terrorists; now that’s a third country we’ll have to have war with. Can’t turn my back for a second…