At President Bush’s State of the Union Address, he came just short of declaring war against Iraq. This seemed to displease Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld who sat watching, all the while looking ready to kill everyone around him.
At a press conference afterwards, instead of the usual curtain behind Rumsfeld, there was a wall of flame. No one was sure, though, whether it was set up earlier for atmosphere or whether it simply manifested itself as a physical representation of Rumsfeld’s tremendous rage.
“Cower before me!” he yelled at the beginning of the conference. The reporters in attendance quickly complied. “The fact that we are not at war yet angers me greatly. Each time an Iraqi soldier takes a breath of air, it is an insult to all American people!”
He then grabbed one reporter by the collar and placed his luger against the guy’s head. “You look like you wish to question me!”
“Uh… when you get your war, what sort of post-war government do you plan to setup in Iraq?”
Rumsfeld stared him in the eyes for a short while. He then dropped him and said, “I have decided that instead of killing you, I will answer the question. There will be no post-war government; everyone will have perished. Next question.”
“What are your reactions to Saddam’s alleged plans to burn his oil fields?” asked another reporter timidly.
“WHAT!” Rumsfeld shouted angrily, causing the flames behind him to leap higher into the air. “Burning those oil fields was to be MY pleasure! What idea of mine is he going to steal next? Is he going to blow up his military complexes? Kill his soldiers with cluster bombs? Shoot himself in the head from a thousand yards?”
After a moments silence, a reporter bravely stepped forward. “We have reports that you and a group of mercenaries sneaked into both France and Germany and then set bombs on a number of their landmarks. Are you going to ask for a ransom, or are you just saving their destruction for a special occasion?”
“I’m not going to stand here and answer questions about my personal life,” Rumsfeld answered curtly.
“Why do you want to harm France and Germany?” piped in one reporter, “Don’t you understand that their just trying to bravely stand against America’s imperial impulses?”
Rumsfeld just stared at the man for a moment. “My God, am I going to hurt you,” he finally said and then rolled up his sleeves. “My doctor says I need more aerobic exercise, so I’m going to give you a head start.”
The reporter took the hint and started running. “This press conference is over,” Rumsfeld announced before giving chase.
In unrelated news, another reporter was found dead, an apparent victim of the “Rumsfeld Strangler”. This time the strangler left a new calling card, a Polaroid of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld strangling the victim with the message, “Here’s me, Donald Rumsfeld, strangling this guy,” written on it. Police profilers say the culprit is probably a nineteen-year-old Latino woman. D.C. police said they will not investigate, though, because “murderers are scary.”