Escaping from handlers, Former South African President Nelson Mandela has gone completely insane. Speaking of the U.S.’s stance on Iraq, he flailed his arms around and exclaimed, “one power with a president who has no foresight, who cannot think properly, is now wanting to plunge the world into a holocaust.” He also said “if there is a country that has committed unspeakable atrocities in the world, it is the United States of America” and “–Iraq produces 64 percent of the oil in the world. What Bush wants is to get hold of that oil.” (Iraq produces 5% of the world’s oil). He also accused America of racism, saying, “They do not care. Is it because the secretary-general of the United Nations is now a black man?” He then ended his tirade by kung fu fighting invisible ninjas.
Whitehouse Press Secretary Ari Fleischer was surprisingly reserved, given the circumstances. “HE’S A DEAD MAN!” he screamed at a press conference held today, “Dead, you hear me? F–king dead! No one says things like that about America and lives! No one! And I don’t care if he is a complete nutjob. There’s no excuse for that. He’s dead!!!”
“Won’t the international community be in an uproar if you assassinate Mandela?” asked a reporter.
“Ooh, the international community,” Ari Fleischer said in a mocking high-pitch voice. “F–k the international community. If other countries wanted their opinions to matter, they shouldn’t be so small and weak.”
“So you have no reservation about killing a Nobel Peace Prize winner?”
“The Nobel Peace Prize don’t make you bulletproof,” Fleischer answered, “It’s not like anyone will get angry at us when we finally kill Arafat. And I doubt there will be any protest when the car bomb that kills Jimmy Carter is traced back to us.”
“You’re going to kill a former president?” asked one reporter in disbelief.
Fleischer looked confused. “Jimmy Carter was president? Of this country? You’re s–t’n me. We have this whole electoral college thing to ensure that dumbf–ks like him can never get into the White House. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. He’s dead. Arafat’s dead. And Mandela is extra dead. He is a dead man and nothing in this universe can save him. You make sure you print that in your papers: He is a dead man and nothing can save him.”
“This is for broadcast, actually,” a reporter corrected him.
Fleischer punched him hard in the face. “Don’t f–k with me today.”
“So what do you say to Daschle’s demands for an apology?” asked another reporter.
“That slimy weasel still asking for an apology for us trashing his office?” Ari inquired.
“No, I believe he wants an apology for how you and Bush beat the crap out of him when he first came to you for an apology for the office vandalism.”
“Hey, we beat him up fair and square,” Fleischer said indignantly, “No one can walk up to us and act like a little weenie and then expect to not have his ass kicked. All foreign diplomats know this now, and so should he.”
President Bush then came running into the press conference. “Hey, Ari! I found a book of matches!” he exclaimed, “Want to go burn things?”
“Cool!” Fleischer answered and then told reporters, “No more questions,” as he quickly exited with Bush.
Helen Thomas was notably absent from the press conference. Apparently she had become confused and was outside asking inappropriately combative questions to a painting of Gerald Ford. The painting then tripped and fell on her.
In unrelated news, a number of melted Star Wars action figures were found near the White House. D.C. police say there is no evidence that the incident is terrorist related, but they will continue to investigate.