The U.S. is deploying more troops to the Gulf, including 6,000 to 7,000 Marines. This makes it look like war is pretty inevitable, because you just know the Marines are going to spot some Iraqis and exclaim excitedly, “Can we kill them? Can we kill them?” And then their commander has to tell them in a somber voice, “No, I’m afraid you can’t kill them yet.” But the Marines will give him this sad, puppy dog look, and you know eventually that commander is going to cave in (could you have the heart to tell a U.S. Marine he can’t kill someone?).
Unfortunately, we’re waiting on Hans Blix, the U.N. weapons inspector and cartoon space monkey. He seems to think that there is actually some circumstance where we wouldn’t want to have war with Iraq, and thus he is actually waiting for evidence. Why didn’t we just promise him a few barrels of sweet sweet Iraqi oil in exchange for a rubber stamp?
I have an idea. Cheney doesn’t seem to be up to very much lately, so why doesn’t he put on some glasses and impersonate Hans Blix. He could at first act all buddy-like with Saddam, but then later tell the press, “Goody goody!” (that’s Hans Blix’s catch phrase) “Everytime I turn around I see nothing but weapons of mass destruction! Whatever shall I do?” To then further convince everyone, he can then do the Hans Blix dance that Blix is always doing when he is excited (it’s hard to describe, but I’m sure Cheney has intelligence photos of it available to him).
Saddam will probably be really surprised and say, “What are you talking about? My weapons of mass destruction were too well hidden for you to find!”
Inevitably, Hans Blix will come stumbling out exclaiming, “Some one hit me on the noggin and stole me chocolates!”
Saddam will then turn to Cheney and yell, “You tricked me, you Yankee, imperialist pig-dog!”
It will be too late then. Marines will already be storming Iraq killing people left and right and strapping barrels of oil to their backs to carry away. Saddam will probably pull out a gun and shoot Cheney, who will just stand there laughing as bullets bounce off his chest (Dick Cheney is bulletproof). Cheney can then strangle Saddam using his cybernetic strength and escape with his jetpack.
Another option to get the war moving that doesn’t involve giving Hans Blix a concussion is to plant evidence. After yet another day of Saddam pulling the wool over the eyes of inspectors, he’ll probably invite them to one of his palaces to show there are no hard feelings. Then, just as he opens the doors to his palace, everyone will spot a nuclear bomb sitting right there is the lobby.
“Whaa!?” Saddam will probably exclaim.
“Goody goody! What a large nuclear weapon. I must tell the U.N.!” Hans Blix will say before scampering off.
“But there has been some mistake! That’s not where I keep my nuclear weapons!” Saddam will plead, but the American planes especially designed for stealing oil will already be flying overhead.
“Damn you, you Yankee, imperialist pig-dogs!” Saddam will yell into the air, “You haven’t seen the last of me!” But we will have, because just then a sniper bullet will explode his head because it will be one of this special head-exploding rounds U.S. intelligence sometimes uses when, for the purpose of gaining an advantage in negotiations, we need to make it look like one of our diplomats is a Scanner.
Some of this post is based on conjecture.