Push for war has grown ever stronger, with even the more “moderate” members of the Bush administration, such as Colin Powell, raising the idea of unilateralism. Plus, some relations with allies have been harmed by Rumsfeld characterizing France and Germany as “Old Europe” and dismissing them as irrelevant.
Even Republican Senator Chuck Hagel criticized the remarks, saying that the United States must assure the world it is patient and responsible and that “You don’t do that with glancing blow, condescending remarks.” Later that day, Hagel wound up in the hospital with most of his bones broken as he had fallen down a long flight of stairs and then climbed up the stairs and fell again four more times – at least according to the sole witness, Donald Rumsfeld. When he was asked whether that was just a lame story to cover up the fact that he had in reality severely beaten Hagel for his impudence, Rumsfeld responded, “Yes,” and then raced off in his Buick laughing.
Whitehouse Press Secretary Ari Fleischer did not seem eager to answer question about the incident.
“I’m reading,” he told questioning reporters at a press conference as he held up an advanced copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
“But these are important issues that need…”
“I’m almost done with this chapter,” Ari said angrily and then continued reading. “Harry Potter, you scamp, what trouble are you going to get into next?” he said to himself while chuckling. He then closed the book and looked to the reporters. “What the hell do you guys want?”
“Couldn’t you find a different time to read?” asked one reporter.
“Hey, if you paid more attention in my previous press conferences, you could just guess what I’m going to say now and we wouldn’t have to do these damn things.”
“So you are going to condemn Rumsfeld for his actions?”
Fleischer put his hand to his forehead. “Jesus Christ, you guys are dumb. No, I am not going to condemn Rumsfeld, because, other than when I’m giving press conferences with you idiots, I enjoy life. The official position of the Whitehouse on France’s and Germany’s stance against war is ‘F–k them and the horses they rode in on.’ We’d launch cruise missiles at them, but they are so irrelevant we don’t even have their latitudes and longitudes written down anywhere.”
He was then asked about the refusal of Iraqi scientists to have private meetings with U.N. weapons inspectors.
“Oh, I know this one,” Fleischer exclaimed and searched his jacket, finally producing a small card. “President Bush believes that Iraq’s refusal to allow Iraqi scientists to submit to private interviews with U.N. inspectors is unacceptable. Under U.N. Resolution 1441, Iraq has an obligation to comply.”
“What are you going to do if they continue not to comply?” asked another reporter.
“Well, uh… according to U.N. Resolution… uh… 1234, if you keep asking me questions about this, I have to kick you in the nuts.”
“Resolution 1234? Never heard of it.”
“It’s right here,” Fleischer said, holding open his book so the reporter could see. When the reporter leaned close for a look, Fleischer slammed it shut on his face.
The reporter ran off crying.
“Dumbass,” Fleischer laughed. “Any other questions?”
Helen Thomas stood up.
“What did I do to deserve this?” Fleischer muttered to himself, “Did I murder the pope in a previous life?”
“Now Jim, why…”
“Let me stop you right there, Helen,” Fleischer interrupted, “For the last time, my name is Ari Fleischer, President George W. Bush’s press secretary, not James Hagerty, Dwight D. Eisenhower’s press secretary, you senile old bat.”
Helen paused a moment to reflect, “Now Jim, is the Whitehouse aware that most people are against your war for oil?”
“Most Americans are not against fighting Iraq, because we’re not a bunch of irrelevant pansies like that collection of countries they call the EU. While there are some incoherent, nitwit peaceniks out there, their numbers are now dwindling due to our secret assassins’ efforts to poison bong water. One more question.”
“Due to the president’s extreme masculinity, do you, despite your heterosexuality, sometimes find yourself physically attracted to him?” asked President Bush, poorly disguised with a sombrero.
“Is Rumsfeld after you again?”
“He says I’m going to wind up like Hagel if I don’t get France and Germany to shut up. What did he look like the last time you saw him, Ari?”
“He had a murderous glare in his eyes… but just the same one he normally has.”
“Cool. Anyway, I was talking to Fuzzy the janitor, and he says he can get me into the Capitol building tonight. I was thinking you and I could go trash Daschle’s office. I got a big bag of poo!”
“Well don’t tell all these people!” Fleischer shouted, pointing to the reporters.
“Oh yeah.” Bush then turned to the reporters with his “threatening face.” “Don’t any of you cross me, because I know some powerful people! I even know me, the president!”
The next morning, Daschle found his office had been vandalized. He then held an impromptu press conference in which he blamed it on “right-wing talk radio.” During his statement, he was struck in the head with a beer bottle, which he blamed on “aliens.”
Archive of entries posted on January 2003
What’s My Age Again
I’ve always wondered a bit about who my fellow bloggers are. Most of them it seems – but not all – don’t put very much information about themselves on their blogs. I’d be one of them, as I guess years of reading about computer security makes me a bit antsy about putting lots of information about myself out on the web. Still, I’m usually curious at least at what are the average ages of warbloggers. I assume at 23 I’d be on the younger edge of the scale, but what’s probably average? Thirty-something?
Anyway, I’ll have a report on one of Ari Fleischer’s press conferences ready for tomorrow morning. Until then, enjoy the Super Bowl.
Speak Loudly While Beating Them with a Large Stick
I’m getting tired of hearing about Iraq and North Korea. All this time and energy is spent on them, but you know these conflicts will be nothing but footnotes in our history books. Yes, they’re threatening, but all they really threaten to do is piss us off. When I was a kid, we had the Soviet Union which had thousands of nukes pointed directly at us, and we were like, “Big whoop.” That’s because we had something even scarier than nukes: Ronald Reagan. You just knew he was looking for any excuse to send all the Soviets to radioactive Commie hell, and that kept them on their toes. And what did the Soviets have? Some weirdo with a Rorschach test on his head.
But the North Koreans have even less now. They just have maybe two nukes that can’t even reach us and a leader with poofed up hair. Still, I guess that’ pretty scary for South Korea, but not scary enough to get them out of their peacenik, anti-American haze. They think they can handle this themselves with talking (just like they did in the 50’s). Do they really believe they can convince those complete nut jobs to now, after so many years, finally act rationally? I can just imagine how these talks are going to go: South Korea is going to agree to more aid to North Korea, and then Kim Jong Il is going to agree to nuke South Korea and then argue with himself in front of a mirror while consuming an entire can of Crisco.
The only way you can talk to these people is to do it the way Tony Soprano “talks” to people. Someone like Kim Jong Il is only going to do what’s right if you make him think he’s going to get ripped apart otherwise. South Korea should find their best thugs to “meet and greet” ‘ole Jongy-boy. For starters, they should drag him to the nearest restroom and hold his head in the toilet for like twenty seconds.
South Korean Thug: Now, Jongy, all this talk about nuclear weapons has sort of distressed us.
Kim Jong Il: You can’t do this to me! I’m… gurgle gurgle gurgle
Thug: Hey, this is a discussion. That means when I talk, you listen, Capisce? And, to make things easier for you, when it’s your turn to talk, we’ll tell you what to say. If you understand, stare at us like some goofball.
Jong: Don’t hurt me!
Thug: You ain’t giving the orders here! What you are going to do now is go and disarm all your nukes, and then you’re going to go comb your hair like a big boy. Otherwise, next time you see us, we’re going to up our level of dialogue.
They should then rip the paper towel dispenser off the wall and beat him with it, sort of as a punctuation to their “talks.” Finally, they can shout, “Stay out of a Brooklyn!” before heading out the door (they might want to replace “Brooklyn” with some South Korean place; I’m too lazy to look any up). Do it right, and that will be the last problem they have with North Korea, because even the craziest dictators tend to hate being beaten with things.
France and Germany Together? Fugeddaboutit!
Germany and France have joined forces to form the Axis of Assclowns, together making a cowardly stand against war in Iraq. It’s a feeble attempt to gain attention for two nations no one cares about anymore. What happens, though, if they truly combine themselves? Perhaps they’ll develop a language called “Grench” that makes someone speaking it sound both evil and extremely effeminate. Or maybe we’ll now see well-engineered cars that have a horrible cheese smell.
I know what some of you are probably now saying: “Let kill all the French and then kill all the Germans!” And then there are those who would take the opposite view point: “Let’s kill all the Germans and then kill all the French.” And, finally, there are the moderates who would say, “Can’t we kill them both at the same time somehow?”
It would probably be an easy thing. We already whupped Germany twice, so we have a lot of experience at it. As for France, we could probably bully them into bombing themselves. But I think slaughtering the French and Germans wholesale give them more attention than they deserve. We’re so important and grand that there is no reason we should ever be bothered with hearing their useless opinions or anything else about them, so we should just isolate them like North Korea and then forget about them. Their whines will fall on deaf ears, or, at least, not on our ears, the only ears that matter.
We can even remove them from maps, marking the area of their countries with a white space labeled “Unexplored Territory” with maybe “Because It’s So Boring” following so that no one asks questions. We can also rewrite some history, such as saying that we built the Statue of Liberty ourselves from copper we stole from trolls. Perhaps then one day when our children are asked about the cheese-eating surrender monkeys they will respond, “What’s a France?” And, when hearing about the Germans, say, “Are they actually still around? Didn’t we kill all those Nazis off in WWII?” A lot of people fault us for being uninformed about other countries, but I call it prioritization because so many countries are not worth knowing anything about. I don’t see why France and Germany can’t be just like one of those African nations I’ve never heard of either.
And, maybe we can forget about Canada while we’re at it, though we’ll probably need a moat first or something.
Blinding Logic
I was in a hotel today, and, at the elevator, there was the usual sign “In Case Of Fire Use Stairway For Exit, Do Not Use Elevators”, but under it it also said the same thing (I assume) in Braille. When the hell is that going to come into play? Is some blind guy going to be in front of the elevator panicking and yelling, “The hotel is on fire! The hotel is on fire! The hotel… Ooh, something to read.” I guess it still ain’t as bad as Braille on a drive through ATM, which seems to encourage dangerous behavior.
Anyway, since blind people can’t read my website, is it okay to make fun of them just like it’s okay to make fun of the Amish?
Links of the Day
Carnival of the Vanities #18 is up!
John Hawkins has the scoop on a Rumsfeld apology.
Mrs. du Toit talks about true love.
It’s the 30th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, and, in case you haven’t read it yet, here’s the text of that decision. Volokh has a nice, short analysis of it that doesn’t use the word “choose.”
In My World: Bush Running Short on Patience that Rumsfeld Never Had
President Bush told reporters Tuesday that he is running short on patience with Iraq.
“It appears to be a re-run of a bad movie,” Bush said. “[Iraqi President Saddam Hussein] is delaying. He’s deceiving. He’s asking for time. He’s playing hide-and-seek with inspectors. One thing is for certain — he’s not disarming.”
“On the other hand, if he had woke up one day and couldn’t remember what he did with all his WMD’s, that would be like a re-run of a good movie, because that would be like Dude, Where’s My Car?” Bush then chuckled to himself. “‘Dude, where are my WMD’s?’ That crazy Saddam; what trouble is he going to get into next?”
The reporters just stared at him.
Bush then got angry. “You guys suck; I’m outta here.”
In a later press conference, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld responded to Bush’s comments. “I’m not sure what kind of movie Iraq is now,” he said, “but, as soon I get this war started, it’s going to become the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Generations from now they will still be trying to scrub all the blood off the walls in Baghdad.”
When asked whether there still might be any negotiations with Iraq to get them to disarm, Rumsfeld replied, “In my mind, the only thing still on the table is whether the spoon I personally gut Saddam with is dull or sharpened. If he thinks that there is anyway he can avoid a painful death at this point, then he is extremely high.”
“Don’t you ever feel ashamed about declaring war on innocent people just so you can get oil to make yourself richer?” asked a smelly hippy who had somehow broke into the press conference.
The reporters immediately jumped away from the hippy, hoping to avoid any resultant splash damage. Surprisingly, Rumsfeld hadn’t leapt on the dirty hippy to tear him limb from limb, but instead just stood behind the podium, glaring at the fool. Eventually, a low rumbling sound was heard, and the hippy started choking and then fell to the ground. The reporters didn’t seem too surprised by the incident; although none of them had before seen Rumsfeld kill someone just by looking at them, they always assumed he could do something like that.
“Any other questions?” Rumsfeld demanded.
“Is he going to explode?” asked a reporter looking at the hippy lying there in spasms.
“Eventually.” Rumsfeld then looked at his watch. “Laura Bush talked me into reading to school children, so someone film it for me.”
In a nearby kindergarten class, Rumsfeld read some excerpts from Jane’s Guide to Guns and then took questions from the children.
“My mom says guns are bad,” said little Suzy, age 5.
“Your mom is obviously a stupid whore,” Rumsfeld responded.
Some of the children then started crying, asking that the “mean man go away.”
“You children are weak!” Rumsfeld shouted in full rage, startling the children from their tears. “When I was your age, I had to help my village fight off roaming samurai with nothing but a pitch fork. And then I was in bed by six and never complained to my parents. I bet you children couldn’t even pierce bamboo armor! You disgust me!”
That night, most of the children had trouble sleeping, fearing that Rumsfeld was hiding under their beds. They took little solace from the fact that Rumsfeld hardly ever waits in the dark to strangle someone in their sleep sleeps, instead preferring more direct approaches to killing.
Link of the Day
Charles Austin has some interesting analysis of the revelation about Scott Ritter. I especially like the last point he makes.
I’m working on transcribing a Donald Rumsfeld press conference I attended and will have the report tomorrow.
So Now, To Be More Like Us, Do They Have to Have Sham Voter Difficulties Too?
609 candidates who ran uncontested for parliament were “elected” Monday with a 97 percent voter turnout.
In unrelated new, 3% of Cuba’s population has mysteriously died.
I’ve always had mixed feelings on sham elections. On one hand, they are an insult to our hard fought for democracy, but, on the other hand, at least we have such an influence on the world that evil dictators feel that have to hold these sham elections in a feeble attempt to impress us. It would just be nice if the news stories about them were more honest and to the point, though:
“Cuba held a phony election today to impress dumb people worldwide with the false notion that they are a democracy and not just a bunch of goddamn Commies. If you actually think the election reflects popular support, then – this just in – you’re a jackass!”
It really is stupid that here in the 21st century we still have Commies so close to our great nation. I thought by now we’d have moving walkways, flying cars, and tons of shallow Commie graves. At least Cuba is nice and local, though, to give our troops Commie-killing training before we eventually move on to North Korea and China and kill them good too.
Then again, after we kill all the Commies, life will be pretty boring. Well, we’ll still probably have terrorists to kick around, but, man, they just don’t compare to the Soviets I had to fear when I grew up.
sigh
Frank Advice for the State of the Union Address
Bush has been working on his first draft of his State of the Union address, and, since there is still about a week before he delivers it, I thought I’d give him my advice.
First thing’s first, remember, it’s not the content so much as the attitude. Don’t have that fruity “Hail to the Chief” song playing when you enter, instead have the “Imperial March.” Come in all stern-faced, and, to further show everyone you’re a badass, head butt the first person who tries to shake your hand. Think of what evil dictators will say when they see that. “Holy crap! He broke that guy’s nose for just trying to shake his hand. Think of what he’ll do to me, an evil dictator!”
Start off with a great applause line, such as raising your fist in the air and shouting, “Our enemies must suffer!”
But remember, it’s not enough that our enemies get blown apart into their component particles, but, at the same time we are bombing the crap out of them, they have to see us all eating caviar and cruising around in fancy cars. That’s why you should propose a huge tax cut to improve our economy.
“We should have a tax cut of epic proportions,” you should say, “And most should go to the best Americans – the rich. Some may say this is unfair.” You should then pause dramatically. “They will die!”
Democrats may not applaud everything that is said. Whenever they don’t seem to agree with a new proposed policy, point at them and scream, “Traitors!” This will make them uncomfortable with not applauding. One may voice protest at being labeled a traitor; if that happens, shout, “Rarrrr!” and charge at him while the VP and Speaker of the House try and hold you back. The Democrats should be pretty scared by then, and will probably clap politely at whatever you say.
Don’t let them off the hook, though. Single out those who are against war in Iraq. “There are some who sympathize with our enemies,” you should say angrily, “But mercy is for the weak! It is the same as being our enemies’ allies. Hang you gigantic head in shame, Ted Kennedy – if your neck is strong enough to support such a feat without snapping in twain.” (he’ll probably respond with “What neck?”, but it’s still a great line).
As for a finale, declarations of war will be great. Declare war on Iraq as people will expect, but also declare war on North Korea. Then pick a few other countries as a surprise (just throw darts at a map of the world; if you hit the U.S., try again).
Now say, “Some of our ‘allies’ will not support our plans of war, but I have one thing to say to them…” For this part, raise both fists in the air and scream as loud as possible, “DEATH!!!!” (you may need a voice coach to hit this just right)
This should be a huge applause line, even though it’s not the most coherent thing ever said. If the Democrats don’t give you a standing ovation, pull out a gun and shoot at their feet.
Finally, have fireworks go off indoors while you laugh insanely. Then, when the smoke fades, you should have mysteriously disappeared. If you do this right, all our enemies will be scared out of their wits, and the European leaders should wet their pants. Then no one will mess with the U.S.!
Links of the Day
I now have a Best of IMAO section, but I don’t think I was too discriminating. I basically went through all my posts last year and took whichever ones seemed just a little funny (I don’t think I wrote very much that was worthwhile in my first month, but no one was reading me then, so that worked out). Maybe I’ll later have to make some cuts to trim it down to the cream of the crop.
The Elder at Fraters Libertas seems to think my satire is hateful, but I try to make all my satire loveful.
Emperor Misha takes on the issue of whether felons should have guns. Personally, I don’t care who else has guns long as I have my own.
My arch-nemesis Scott Ott has probably one of his most clever satires so far, and it rightly earned him a mention in Best of the Web. Congratulations Scott.
Mean Mr. Mustard finds interesting punctuation use by a protestor.
Finally, Bill Whittle has a lengthy but worthwhile post on celebrity and politics. My own little sister is in L.A. surrounded by those freaks. Please pray for her.
Maybe All He Really Wants is a Pen-Pal
Bin Laden reportedly has a new letter out, telling Muslims to unite and fight against the “crusader coalition.” The good news is, in this letter, he never mentions a particular country, so maybe he just hates Liechtenstein now. I know I do.
If he is talking about the United States and Israel, though, that doesn’t seem to make much sense, because he’s asking Muslims to stop fighting each other and instead just fight us. Why the hell would they want to do that? They’ve seen what’s happened to countries that tried to fight the U.S. and Israel: they got their asses handed back to them on a platter. But Muslims in the Middle East actually stand a chance fighting each other; that’s poorly trained troops with old Russian weaponry against poorly trained troops with old Russian weaponry. Who knows who may win? There’s a lot more suspense in those match-ups than the U.S. kicking around Iraq once more. Maybe if the Middle East countries are smart (history shows they are quite retarded, though), they could have some big war against each other and broadcast it on pay-per-view.
Also, bin Laden said that our true intentions are revealed, which is to “target Islam and Muslims.” That’s just silly. Doesn’t hear how we believe “Islam means peace”? Why would we want to destroy something that means peace? That would be wacky.
Finally, bin Laden mysteriously defends Al Qaeda leaders for unspecified mistakes saying, “The honor of righteous men should be protected despite whatever faults they may commit.” He doesn’t elaborate, but my guess is that he is referring to an Al Qaeda leader doing things like:
* Smoking in the boy’s bathroom.
* Drag racing.
* Growing an afro.
* Break dancing at inappropriate times.
* Wearing excessive eye-shadow.
* Thinking he’s “all that” when he’s not.
* Hitting his younger brother.
I’m going to go out on limb, though, and guess that bin Laden is not faulting him for the murdering.
In My World: Stupid People No Like War
This weekend anti-war whack-jobs took to the streets in a last push to preserve murderous regimes.
“War argh gurgle oil ergh BAD!” one of the more coherent protestors was heard to say.
The Whitehouse seemed unperturbed by all the demonstrations.
“I think the president welcomes the fact that we are a democracy and people in the United States, unlike Iraq, are free to protest and to make their case known,” said Whitehouse Press Secretary Ari Fleischer at a press conference, never once looking up from the Gameboy Advance in his hands.
“But what about the protestors who were beaten with their own ‘No Blood for Oil’ signs by men who claimed to have been paid by the Whitehouse?” asked one reporter.
“I think the president welcomes the fact that we are a democracy and people in the United States, unlike Iraq, are free to yadda yadda yadda,” Fleischer responded, now staring at the Gameboy quite intensely, apparently fighting a boss monster in the game Metroid Fusion that he was playing.
“You’re not even paying attention to us!” shouted another reporter.
Fleischer then angrily chucked his Gameboy at the reporter, striking him in the head. “There, I paid you some attention.”
“Ow! That hurt!” cried the reporter.
“Ow! That hurt!” Fleischer repeated in a high-pitch, mocking voice.
“You’re the meanest press secretary ever!” the man yelled before running out of the press conference crying.
“Anyone else want to waste my time with one of your idiotic questions?” Fleischer asked angrily.
Helen Thomas then stood up.
“Merciful God, please kill me now,” Fleischer was heard muttering.
“Why does Bush want to kill Iraqi children?” Helen Thomas asked, “What did Iraqi children ever do to him?”
“Here, I have a question for you,” Fleischer respond, “Why won’t you die, you shriveled, old hag? What sort of unholy agreement do you have with Satan to keep your body living long after your mind has expired?”
“Where’s my cat?” Thomas demanded, “Your talk of war has scared away my cat!”
“For the last time, Helen, your cat died thirty years ago!” said an exasperated Fleischer. “Someone please watch her. Any other questions?”
“Do you ever find it intimidating working with such a brilliant strategist as President Bush?” asked President Bush, poorly disguised with a mustache.
“What are you doing here?”
“I’m trying to hide from Rumsfeld,” whispered Bush, “I’m afraid that once he finds out we haven’t started war yet, he’s going to break my legs.”
“I did see him walking around earlier with his leg-breaking sledgehammer.”
“So, Ari, can we go ‘debate’ the protestors like you said we would.”
“Sure, did you bring your ‘argument’?”
Bush held up a metal pipe. “Sure did– but I flooded the bathroom getting it.”
Fleischer pulled out a baseball bat from behind the podium. “Let’s roll.”
“But we still have more questions!” protested one reporter. He was then struck with a bat, surprising no one.
One More Thing…
How does someone named Doolittle survive in politics? Doesn’t that just give his opponent too much material to work with. And who would want him to co-sponsor a bill? Something called the Boucher-Doolittle bill does not sound like a good bill to me, and doesn’t reflect well on Boucher.
Announcements
I wanted to blog about something else today, but it’s the weekend now and I don’t feel like thinking. So here are some announcements.
I now have categories working fully (thanks to some help by Rachel Lucas), and I want to add a “Best of IMAO” section. I think I have a good idea of what were the popular posts, but I’d appreciate it if you have any suggestions – especially if they were posts from a while ago.
I’m getting a feeling people like the Rumsfeld posts. To be honest, I usually do those when I’m having trouble coming up with something to post about because they’re really easy to write for. Well, to give people what they want but make sure I don’t do them too much such that they get tiresome, Rumsfeld will be a once a week feature. Next one will be Wednesday (man, I got some great ideas; I can’t wait…)
John Hawkins has named me an “Honorable Mention” on his best of blogs list. This reminded me there are a number of good blogs out there I haven’t been reading and need to add to my blogroll. One is USS Clueless, whom I keep hearing good things about, but had never read because I found his post sizes too daunting (as soon as I saw them, my brain would shut down in protest). Frankly, my attention span is so bad I’d probably have trouble reading my own blog. Anyway, if there are any other glaring omissions from my blogroll, drop me a line. Also, if you have a blog and want a link exchange, don’t be afraid to e-mail me.
See you all later, and thanks for the readership.