“Impudent nations!” French President Jacques Chirac exclaimed at a press conference in his stronghold. He was greatly angered by the east European candidates for EU membership who issued pro-American statements and wished nothing more than to chide them publicly. “What you have done goes against the views of France, the most civilized nation of all! You must shut up if you wish to join the EU of which France declares itself leader!”
“We have an intruder!” screamed his head of security. “He’s described as an angry looking old man.”
“Must be that fool Rumsfeld!” Chirac responded, “Well, we’re prepared for him! Send out the assault force!” Armed troops quickly rushed out of the press conference. “Now you die Rumsfeld!” Chirac exclaimed, “No one keeps me from being extremely rude and arrogant! No one!” Chirac then laughed in an evil and effeminate way.
He turned back to the press. “Now where was I? Oh yes… Silly little nations! How dare you defy France, the pinnacle of humanity! We’re too smart and sophisticated to fight in any wars. We just surrender and wait for everything to turn out all right in the end. America and their infantile talk about good and evil, morality, and justice will mess up the sophisticated business ventures we have with Saddam.”
Automatic gunfire sounded nearby. It lasted a few seconds, and then silence. Chirac smiled. “Pierre,” he said into his radio, “I assume Rumsfeld is no more.”
“Pierre’s not available right now,” answered a familiar voice.
“This press conference is over!” Chirac yelled and then fled. He entered a secure room with one entrance and took a machine gun off the wall.
“‘Old Europe’, eh?” he said to himself as he pointed the gun at the door “Well, we’ll see who outlives who.” He heard noise outside and then pulled the trigger. Laughing wildly, he unloaded the gun at the door, turning the wall in front of him into swiss cheese. When the gun clicked empty, he crept forward, but stopped when he saw a bright light shining through the bullet holes.
A Buick crashed through wall, flinging Chirac backwards. Through the dust and the bright headlights, he could see the figure of Donald Rumsfeld walking towards him.
“Don’t hurt me! I surrender!” Chirac squealed as he tried to squirm away.
Rumsfeld grabbed him by his collar and lifted him into the air.
“I’m just an impotent Frenchman!” Chirac pleaded, “My country is old and irrelevant. You gain nothing from harming me!”
Rumsfeld just stared at him.
“You can invade Iraq! I support that now! You can invade any country you want and we’ll cheer you on! You can even invade us! Well put up more of fight than we did with the Germans so it’s not too boring for your troops.”
Rumsfeld squinted.
“Please. I have a wife and children and a mistress. They’re the ones saying bad things about you! Kill them!”
Rumsfeld tightened his grip.
“What do you want?” Chirac cried.
“My pen.”
“What!?”
“Last time I was here, I left a pen.”
Chirac looked to his side to see a cardboard box labeled “Lost and Found” on a table next to him. He reached in and pulled out a metal pen. “Is this it?”
“That’s it.” Rumsfeld took the pen and dropped Chirac on the ground. He then got back in his Buick.
“Nice seeing you again, Rumsfeld!” Chirac called to him as he drove away. “Come back any time! I love America!”

“So can we expect war soon?” asked a reporter.
“Jesus Christ, I hope so,” National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice answered, “The troops are restless, and they’re running out of desert rats to shoot while they wait.”
“We’ve heard Donald Rumsfeld has taken his vacation in France. Seems an odd choice given all the recent controversy.”
“If Rumsfeld wanted you to know about his vacation, he would have told you about it himself,” Rice said with annoyance. “Anyway, on to the tech demos.” On screen behind her appeared a picture of a small electronic device with a drill. “This is a special projectile that homes onto a targets head, slowly drills into his skull, and then explodes. Honestly, it offers no tactical advantage over just shooting a target with normal bullets, but we all thought it was pretty cool and can’t wait to see it work on some actual enemy combatants. By the way, if someone has a use for a dozen headless monkeys, talk to me after the press conference.”
“Wouldn’t a weapon like that violate the Geneva convention?” asked a disgusted looking reporter.
“The what?” Rice asked, appearing confused. She pressed a button on her remote and the picture on screen changed to show a new, extremely complex looking device. “This new weapon twists the space-time continuum to completely remove its target from existence.”
“What do you say to scientist who warn that use of this device could destroy the universe?”
“Current theories say that there are at least millions of different universes,” Rice responded, “So losing one or two of them isn’t of much concern. Anyway, we’ve found a nice isolated place to test this out.”
In unrelated news, Belgium seems to be missing, completely having disappeared from the face of the earth. Investigators can’t say exactly how long it has been gone since no one has really paid much attention to it.