War with Iraq still seems like a distant dream; it’s hard to believe it will ever happen. Everything we do seems to bring us closer to finally killing Saddam and stealing his oil, but it’s like asymptotic approach where war still always be just beyond our reach. Well the U.S. and it’s trusty sidekick Great Britain are going to give the push to war another try, drafting a resolution to the U.N. that gives Saddam a deadline before we own his ass. I have a few suggestions, though, to make it extra resolute.
First of all, use lots of exclamation points. Exclamation points are much more threatening than periods (and tons more threatening than question marks). Also, using lots of big, fancy words like “asymptotic” can also be intimidating. Most importantly, make sure its worded in such a way that we can still bomb Iraq even if Saddam does everything we ask; if we don’t get to bomb Iraq, that would just be horrible beyond words.
The problem, though, is getting the U.N. Security Council to accept the resolution. Some may want to hold their decision until March 1, when Hans Blix is scheduled to make his next presentation. So, if it’s not already obvious enough, that means we need to kidnap Hans Blix and throw him down a well. Then all that’s left is convincing the members of the Security Council. I’d say our best bet is to make sure our diplomats to the U.N are large and scary looking. This way, other diplomats may worry that our people will hurt them if they don’t do what the U.S. wants. This feeling can be added to by having our diplomats announce on the U.N. floor, “Do what the U.S. wants or we will hurt you.”
The main holdouts to worry about are France, Russia, and China. For France, just grab their diplomat by the head and pound it into the table. This will make him hurt and scared, and thus he’ll do whatever we tell him. The Russian won’t be so easily intimidated, because they have their Russian mob. A good old-fashioned bribe should work nicely. Lastly, there is China, the evil Commies, and the way to handle Commies is to kill them. Just have our diplomats pull out a gun and shoot the Chinese dead. Being dead counts as abstaining on a vote. Some may worry about us doing this, but, remember, we’re the United States of America, and we can do whatever the hell we want. The only reason we’re going through the U.N. must be because we get some sort of sick pleasure from pretending the opinions of other countries matter.
BTW, is there some blog celebration planned for when we finally get our war? If not, there should be or we can hardly call ourselves warbloggers.
Frank, will you marry me cause I think I’m in love…
You are too, too funny! 😉
As much as the whole matter annoys me, it is a ‘necessary evil’ (…I hate having to use that phrase…). One of loyal allies, PM Blair, needs it in order to survive a potential ‘beheading’ by his own Labour party. In addition, this will used as the ‘final call’ for the UNSC; if they blow this matter off…they’re history and Dubya can go about his merry way blowing up thug dicators and Jihadi’s to his heart’s content.
I can live with that.
I personally am planning a trip to Iraq where I will rape their camels and ride off on their women.
Then I’m going to start up my own World Court, claim I have jurisdiction over everyone in the world that has not signed it – and go around making charges against “anti-war” protestors who committed the war crime of being on television and hurting my ears for the last eighteen months.
I can guarantee a speedy trial and execution, but the only counsel they get is me telling them to smile and say “dirty hippie” for the cameras – right before I shoot them with NATO rounds** – repeatedly.
Then I’ll drink a Budweiser. Yeah Warmongers.
**You use NATO rounds for the same reason you kill traitors with a dull spoon.
I find your suggestions on U.N. resolutions far too spirited for diplomatic tastes. One must schmooze with these fellows if one wants to get the job done right. I propose a preliminary festive costumed meeting just before the vote where everyone but Powell dresses up as an Iraqi general, complete with mustache, black beret, pencil and notepad. Powell will come as a Saddam lookalike and sit at the head of a long table, with Tommy Franks standing behind him carrying a tommygun. The berets will please the French, the mustaches–particularly the small square ones–will please the Germans, and the notebooks and pencils will please everybody else. French wine will be served, and German Schnapps. There will be Belgian chocolates for dessert. Someone will be assigned to sing the Luxenbourg national anthem, which, fortunately, has only one short verse. After the eating and singing, Powell will simply lay a pistol on the table and ask for a resolution. I don’t know about you, but I think it will work.
I think we should send James Earl Jones to talk with the Security Council. He’s got the voice to intimidate others into compliance.
This feeling can be added to by having our diplomats announce on the U.N. floor, “Do what the U.S. wants or we will hurt you.”
When I read that, I was reminded of the scene in Rocky 4 (a great patriotic film, by the way), where Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren) says to Rocky, “I must break you!” That’s great cinema, I tell you.
Frank, I am so mad about the Turkey issue right now that I think I might have to invite Rummy over to do a press conference. Can you check his Palm Pilot? (oh, he probably still uses a daytimer!)
Jennie, I was seriously thinking of proposing to Frank. How odd is that?
Even the internet cannot filter out my innate animal magnetism.
I came across your site and found it to be fascinating, and 100% correct. I found this link earlier, describing a party for a pro-war group in a college:
http://www.tsl.pomona.edu/02/1115/news/01.html
I think this was a great idea, and I might throw my own warbecue, complete with warburgers and protestors to spit on and kick in the face. What could be better than combing the two most important things in the world right now – war on Iraq and meat.
On a sidenote, I got dragged along to a anti-war party a few weeks ago. My senses were overloaded with disgust. Everywhere I turned I saw hippies and long-haireds (sp?). The place reaked of the combination of weed and body odor. I must have heard the word, “dooode” and “maaan” a thousand times. These people should go ahead and be used a human shields, though I am sure they will cower away.