While everyone is distracted by the Columbia tragedy and increased movement on war with Iraq, North Korea want to remind us that they’re still frick’n nuts. They’ve announced they’re now prepared for us, saying, “Our military and people are in full combat readiness to cope with U.S. imperialist warmongers’ indiscriminate military and political moves under their strategy to dominate the Korean Peninsula.”
Okay, I need everyone’s help for this. Hold out your hands in front of you, palms facing outwards. Now pivot your hands side to side on your wrists while saying in a higher pitched voice, “Ooh, I’m scared!”
So you’re prepared for us, North Korea? Really? So, have you developed radar to detect our stealth bombers? Have you cruise missile proofed your buildings? Have you got a less goofy-looking leader? Did you develop pills you can swallow to keep you from being blown into a jillion pieces by a one-megaton blast? Do you all have magical powers now?
The only way North Korea’s military is “prepared” is if everyone is prepared to die. Soon as some weekend comes along when we have nothing better to do, we’ll just storm through that Commie country like they’re nothing and then dress Kim Jong Il in one of those court jester outfits and make him ride a unicycle for our amusement.
So what’s South Korea going to do with North Korea now that it’s on the brink of nuclear war? They’re going to send tourists there. They’re pretty sure they’ve cleared mines for a path through the Demilitarized Zone, so now they want to send tourists through that path to vacation in a country they’re technically at war with. First, to prove it’s safe, they’re going to send one hundred officials along that road. Everyone must be jumping to be a part of that party. Sounds like I found a new use for Democrat politicians, though: Demilitarized Zone testers.
Maybe at least it will be a new way for North Koreans to escape to South Korea. It’s pretty pathetic that anyway one in this world has to flee to China to escape oppression.
Well, if I can’t get your Rummy to serve as my Sec-of-War, at least I know that you’ll do very nicely, thank you very much!
Ever notice how commie dictators sort of get a free pass by being characterized in the press as “weird” or “eccentric” rather than as psychotc butchers? Kim Jong Il is weird and eccentric, the same way Charles Manson would be weird and eccentric if he ruled a small nation, had millions starving or in death camps and his finger on the nuclear trigger. Ugh.
I think Helen should tag along with that group just to make sure that we’re not mistreating the innocent NorthKorean children. M
TO: Frank J.
RE: Living with North Korea’s Kim Jong-Il(l)
Learning that Kim has reactivated his nuclear reactor is like living next door to Kelbold and Harris and seeing them backing a 5000-gallon gasoline tanker trailer into their driveway, next door; whooping for joy.
Regards,
Chuck(le)
[The ‘police’ [UN] say it’s perfectly legal for them to park it there.]
TO: Frank J.
RE: Some Fine Daaaayyyyy…
“Soon as some weekend comes along when we have nothing better to do, we’ll just storm through that Commie country like they’re nothing and then dress Kim Jong Il in one of those court jester outfits and make him ride a unicycle for our amusement.” — Frank J.
Actually, I think that weekend comes this late-Spring/early-Summer.
[1] Deploy the military to deal with Iraq.
[2] Train them, troops and joint command staffs, in a hand-on/performance-oriented, combined-arms, live-fire exercise, vis-a-vis against the Iraqis.
[3] Once they are fully trained combat veterans, move them back to the California with a way-point in North Korea in the Spring, when the weather will be better for a trip to the mountains. [Note: The North Korean Army hasn’t fought a real war in over 50 years now. And they will be totally traumatized by what they’ll see we do to Iraq’s army. Advantage US….]
[4] End of the Axis of Evil, as stated last year. [Note: Iranian college students will bring down their regime themselves…and more power to those democracy lovers.]
[5] Victory parade terminates at Disneyland’s parking lot. Champagn [Californian] for the troops.
Works for me….
Regards,
Chuck(le)
Personally I think that the only way to deal with these problems are to become an Evil dictator as well. First, we all need to get really cool names, not stupid goofy names like “Jong.” Like, Frank can be Baron Von Nightblade, and I’ll be Lord Dark Angel, and then we’ll all start developing Death Rays and raising armies of the living dead. If we can’t get the armies of the living dead to do what we want we can always rip the tounges off of a few Frenchmen and dress them in rags. Closest thing to zombies, really. Then tell them that the Koreans are holding the only white flag left in the world. That ought to do it… then the Koreans will be like,
“Damn you Baron von Nightblade! You send Frenchmen in here and they steal our white flag!”
Besides, if we were ALL evil dictators planning on taking over the world, Jongy will stop feeling like a non-conformist and just go Emo or something. Or maybe Goth…and then we could CONTINUE to hate him. With the stupid little tear and the girly pants, oh wait…what’s left to change again?
The quickest way to be “EVIL” is to just grab a few “innocent” democrats and publicly execute them. That way we will convince the Koreans once and for all that we really don’t have regard for human life and all the lies they’ve been telling about us are true and there’s really nothing they can do about it.