“WAR!” Rumsfeld shouted, and then resumed in a whisper, “I can feel it nearing… growing closer… and as war approaches, my strength grows…”
He noticed the press starting to back away towards the exit.
“The doors are locked,” he told them, “Ask your questions.”
“So you’re not worried that the U.S. will not have the votes it needs in the U.N.?”
“The U.N. is weak! This world is for the strong! The U.N. serves no purpose anymore.”
“What about the U.N.’s own plan for a post-war Iraq?”
Rumsfeld laughed heartily, striking fear in the hearts of all the reporters. “After Iraq is obliterated, we will turn our vengeance on the U.N. and all those unfaithful to America. Most of Europe will be stripped mined and Canada changed into a prison camp.”
“So all those protesters who said that America has imperialistic intentions…”
“Were absolutely right… and will be killed.”
“So why do you tell us this now?” asked one reporter, cowering.
“Because it is too late to stop us!” Rumsfeld declared triumphantly, “No filthy hippy, no matter how cleverly worded his placard, can prevent America’s war machine now that the gears are turning. Soon all of the world will rest under America’s thumb, and it will be a glorious new era of prosperity… except for those who don’t live in America. They will wail mournfully the rest of their short lives, cursing the day they ever spoke against the U.S.A.”
“Don’t you think the American people won’t stand for such imperialism?”
Rumsfeld grabbed the reporter by his collar. “You will report none of this!” He then tossed him across the room. “Freedom of the press has been abolished!” He threw a bunch of papers to the press. “Here are the stories you will report.”
“But we have integrity as news correspondents…”
“Rarrr!” Rumsfeld yelled as he shook his fists in the air threateningly.
“Yes master!”

“In our top story tonight, the cause of cancer has been discovered: listening to liberals. Experts have found that their ideas are actually so idiotic that they’re carcinogenic.”
“Hey, Ari, you gotta see this!” Bush shouted as he sat watching TV, “They’re reporting… ack… cough… erk…”
Ari Fleischer ran over and gave Bush the Heimlich maneuver, popping a pretzel out of his mouth. “What is it?”
“Rumsfeld convinced reporters he ended freedom of the press again. It’s hilarious!”
“Experts say to shun peace rallies at all cost,” the report continued, “and recommend quarantining all liberal college professors. Also, they say if you see Michael Moore, you should beat him with an axe handle before he has a chance to speak.”
“Hell,” Bush remarked, “I already knew to do that.”