Wow. It feels like it’s just two days before Christmas; war is finally coming and I sure can’t wait. To bide the time, I’ve tried to think of what to do with the U.N. now that it has declared itself useless. You’re probably thinking we should hunt down and kill everyone associated with the U.N. and then blow the headquarters to smithereens to forever wipe away their worthlessness from the world, but “waste not, want not” I say. So that’s why I’ve tried to come up with some new uses for the U.N. As for the headquarters, maybe we can turn it into a shopping mall or a monkey house or just leave it as something for throwing rocks at. For the U.N. body itself, I have more ideas:
* War can be messy, and we don’t want to clean it up. They can do that.
* Troops in battle may need towels. They can hand us towels.
* Now that we are unburdened by the U.N., we’ll probably get in tons more fights. Thus they can proofread our many declarations of war.
* “Hey, U.N. guys, go walk across that field.”
“But aren’t there supposed to be mines there?”
“We won’t know until you walk across it.”
* Someone needs to man the stopwatch while we try to break our record on invading a country.
* They can go on stage and pretend their opinions still matter as entertainment for our troops.
* They can keep track of exactly how much blood is being spent for oil so that we can see if we can improve the ratio.
* “Hey, U.N. guys, I think there are terrorists behind that door. You go open it.”
“Uh-uh. You already had us walk across that field.”
“Just open the door!”
* Humanitarian stuff is boring. They can still do that.