“Can we start bombing them now?” Rumsfeld asked impatiently.
“No, we still have to wait just a little bit more,” Condoleezza Rice answered.
“If it weren’t for that sissy little Texan,” Rumsfeld declared angrily, “I could of demolished Iraq long ago, along with North Korea and most of Europe.”
“The press,” Rice reminded him, pointing to the reporters standing before them and cowering in fear.
“Ask your questions quickly,” Rumsfeld commanded them, “As soon as this war starts, I’m lobbying to have you all killed as a precautionary matter.”
“What is your reaction to France saying they may help the U.S. if there is a chemical attack?”
“That’s simply not enough to keep me from personally murdering all Frenchmen. They have shown no faith to the U.S., and the will pay with their blood.”
“Are you really going to kill them all?” asked a reporter in disbelief.
“Yes, total frog-a-cide.” He then stared the reporter in the eye. “Do you doubt that I can?”
“No, sir, no,” the reporter answered, trying to back away.
“They’ll probably surrender on sight of seeing an angry American,” Rumsfeld explained, “I’ll then strangle them with their White Flags.”
“When will this occur?”
“Sometime after we demolish Iraq. I plan to put Saddam’s head on a pole and then use it as a cudgel against Chirac.”
“On account of your hatred of the French, are you in support of the renaming of french fries and french toast to ‘freedom fries’ and ‘freedom toast’?”
Rumsfeld shrugged his shoulders. “I only eat meat.” He then turned to Rice. “His question wasted my time. Teach him through pain.”
Rice operated a remote control and the reporter fell to the ground twitching. “I forgot to mention to you all,” Rice said, “I had pain inducers surgically implanted in all of you.”
“When did you do that?” asked a worried reporter.
Rice smiled. “That’s classified.”
“But that’s against the law!” another reporter protested.
“I AM ABOVE THE LAW!” Rice screamed, shocking who dared question her.
“Anymore questions?” Rumsfeld asked, “Or do all fully understand that Iraq and France will soon be destroyed?”
“What about the Iraqi children?” screeched Helen Thomas, who had somehow wandered into Rumsfeld’s press conference.
“The Iraqi children will die and so will you!” Rumsfeld yelled in full rage as he whipped out his luger and started firing at her. Thomas ran out of the pressroom, cackling all the way.
“She’s quicker than she looks,” Rumsfeld said mournfully as he reholstered his gun.
“You’ll get her one day,” Rice assured him, patting him on the shoulder.
“We’re really scared now,” said one reporter, “Can we go now?”
“Yes, flee in terror,” Rumsfeld told them, and they quickly complied.
A French diplomat was scheduled to respond to Rumsfeld’s remarks, but was found murdered, seemingly yet another victim of the “Rumsfeld Strangler.” D.C. police aren’t sure, though, since the note left at the scene was written in some sort of crazy monkey language, reading, “Je suis Donald Rumsfeld. J’ai étranglé cet homme.” Authorities say that if you have any information that could lead to the whereabouts of the Rumsfeld Strangler, keep it to yourself so he doesn’t strangle you.