Last Thursday, demonstrators vanadlised Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s New Mexico home to protest the war. Recently, protestors returned to Rumsfeld’s home again, this time decorating the trees around his home with their own entrails.
“Was this new vandalism not actually a form of protest, but in fact the result of you viciously murdering the protesters then dismembering their corpses as a warning to others?” asked a reporter at Rumsfeld’s press conference.
“My lawyers told me not to answer questions about the matter,” he answered gruffly.
“Then might we at least ask who’s blood it is that you’re currently caked in?”
“Again my lawyers told me not to answer questions about that matter.”
“Aren’t your lawyers in fact dead?”
“They kept telling me what to do.” He clenched his hand into a fist. “I hate lawyers! So do any of you have questions about Operation Iraqi Murder Death Kill?”
“Don’t you mean “Operation Iraqi Freedom’?” corrected one reporter.
“I forgot what name we settled on, but you know what I mean.”
“So are you satisfied with the current progress of the war?”
“Yes, we are making great progress. Our Shock and Aww and Shock campaign has been going especially well. That’s where we first hit the Iraqis with a shock, .i.e., an initial bombing campaign. While they’re dazed and confused, we then flood the city with cute little puppies to make them go ‘Aww.’ Then while distracted by the puppies, we hit them with more shock, i.e., more bloody mayhem. I’m sure it won’t be too long until Baghdad is ours and Saddam is dead.”
“You don’t plan on capturing Saddam?”
“No, he will die.”
“What if he surrenders?”
“Then he will die with his hands up. Next question.”
“Now that some Americans have been killed and captured, will you admit the futility of this war and that its costs are too high?”
Rumsfeld thought about that for a moment. “I think the best way to answer that questions would be to rip this podium out of the ground and then smash it over your head,” Rumsfeld said, ripping the podium out of the ground and then smashing it over the reporter’s head. “Any other questions?”
“How do you respond to reports that Marines are wantonly killing camels when lacking Iraqis to kill?”
“It’s the U.S. Marines’ supreme right in this world to kill whatever the hell they want, and they shall not be questioned on that matter.”
“Don’t you think these actions in Iraq might lead to a broader war?”
“I hope so, for after Iraq I have plans to continue into other countries in the Middle East, wiping out even more terrorists. Then we will start another campaign in Asia starting in North Korea wiping out all other enemies to America. Next we will start a front in Europe doing the same. Eventually, we will hunt down and kill everyone who is trying to harm America, everyone who is thinking of harming America, anyone who supports the harming of America, and anyone who is not vehemently opposed to harming America. In summary, anyone who wishes to terrorize America will die. Anyone who isn’t against terrorism in America will die. Anyone who sees American on TV killed or captured and cheers will die. Anyone who hates America will die. Anyone who spells America with a ‘k’ will die. Anyone who doesn’t cheer every time they hear the name of America will die. And, when all our enemies are finally dead, we will beckon in this newfound era of peace by sitting in a circle and singing Kumbaya.”
“Are you serious about all that?”
“Everything except for the Kumbya part.”