President Bush decided to personally give a press conference to update everyone on the state of war. “Despite all the negative reports, I want everyone to know that Operation Wacky Iraqi Attacky is doing tremendously,” he announced. National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice then whispered in his year. “What!” Bush responded, “That liar Colin Powell told me he was going with my name idea!” Bush looked back to the reporters. “So does anyone have questions about the boringly titled Operation Iraqi Freedom?”
“If Iraq uses WMD’s against U.S. troops, will you consider striking back with nuclear weapons?”
“No, absolutely not. Karl Rove carefully explained to me that the diplomatic costs are too high.” He looked around. “Where is he?”
“We have some new technology related to that,” Rice told the press, “This is a new weapon to help us defeat our enemies but isn’t as mean and scary as a nuclear weapon. It’s a 10 megaton ‘Happy Bomb’.” Rice then pulled back a sheet revealing a large bomb with a smiley face displayed prominently on the front. “Look it’s smiling!” Rice exclaimed, “Isn’t it happy?”
“Wow! It is smiling!” Bush said excitedly, “Let’s use it now!”
“Isn’t it that actually a nuclear bomb with just a smile painted on it?” asked one reporter skeptically.
“Yeah, that’s a good question,” Bush said to Rice, getting suspicious, “Did you just paint a smile on a nuclear bomb?”
“No, of course not,” Rice replied innocently. “There are also stencils of bunnies on the side.”
“Hey, there are bunnies on the side!” Bush said happily, “Cute ones! We should use this bomb now!”
“So will this bomb have horrible radiation effect to wherever it is dropped?” asked another reporter.
“Not horrible radiation effects,” Rice answered, smiling, “but lovely happiness effects… over a 150 mile radius.”
“Wow! How happy will it make places?” Bush asked.
“Too happy for most people to stand – or plants or animals – and the happiness will last for decades.”
“Jeepers! That sure sounds like a lot of happiness!” Bush said, getting psyched, “We should use this bomb now!”
“So will this ‘happiness’ cause gruesome mutative effects?” inquired an incredulous reporter.
“No, it’s natural for this much happiness to… uh… change a creature into something– even happier…”
“Like in Pokemon?” Bush interrupted.
“Uh… yeah… like in– Pokemon,” Rice answered, trying to keep a straight face.
“Cool! I want a Charizard. We should use this bomb now!”
“Aren’t you afraid of the resultant protests?” asked a reporter.
“Wait,” Bush said, turning to Rice, “There aren’t going to be more smelly, hippy protesters bothering me about this, will there?”
“No,” Rice assured him, “because the first thing the Happy Bomb does it make a giant mushroom, and hippies love mushrooms.”
“Wow! A giant mushroom! Let’s use this bomb now!”
“Great,” Rice said, producing a map of Iraq, “I’ve marked with frowny faces a number of strategic locations that just aren’t very happy.”
“George!” called Laura Bush, walking into the press conference, “What are you doing?”
“Important strategic stuff.”
“I thought I told you to stay away from Condoleezza,” Laura chided him, “She’s always trying to trick you into using nuclear weapons when Karl Rove isn’t around.”
“But she’s changed,” Bush answered, “She now wants to use a Happy Bomb instead.”
Laura smacked Bush upside the head. “Don’t be so gullible.”
“Come on, dear, not in front of the press,” Bush pleaded.
“Almost got away with it,” Rice said angrily as she walked off.
“That Condoleezza and that Rumsfeld are bad influences on you,” Laura told him, “They just keep trying to get you into more wars. You should instead consult with that nice Colin Powell.”
“But everyone in my administration hates Colin Powell,” Bush protested, “If they see me hanging out with him, they’ll think I’m not cool.”
“You can’t spend all your time worrying what people think about you or you’ll end up like that Billy Clinton, who I definitely don’t want to see you talking to.” She started pulling him out of the press conference. “Now come on. You promised me you would fix the closet door today.”
Bush looked to see the press was chuckling at him. “Ari!” Bush yelled, “Make sure no one reports anything about this.”
“On it!” White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said as he took the podium and faced the reporters. “Who here likes freedom of the press?” he asked, and then surveyed the group in front of him. “Wow, that’s everyone. Now, here’s a different question: who likes not getting hit in the head with a lead pipe? It’s okay to think about it… Looks like it’s everyone again.” Fleischer fished for something hidden behind the podium. “Now let’s say you could only choose one…”