On occasion, our troops may pause to wonder, “Who were those guys we just killed?” To help in that query, I’m starting a new feature where my crack research staff find all the important information you need to know about America’s enemies. Our first subject: the Iraqi Republican Guard
FUN FACTS ABOUT THE IRAQI REPUBLICAN GUARD
* The Republican Guard were a replacement for the less successful Iraqi Democrat Guard, who would try to whine and tax their enemies into submission. Eventually Saddam became too annoyed with them and had them executed.
*To make sure they were his best-trained troops, Saddam handpicked his most qualified first-born son to lead them.
* The Republican Guard is supported by tanks and other hardware that, according to U.S. military experts, are fun to blow up.
* The Republican Guard are so well trained, that, in a one-on-one fight with U.S. ground troops, they can last into the tens of seconds.
* The Republican Guard are dangerous if encountered by civilians. If you see a Republican Guard, do not run; this only provokes him. Instead, stand your ground and wave your arms in the air while yelling to scare him away.
* In a fight between the Republican Guard and Aquaman, the Republican Guard would win… unless Aquaman could somehow trick them into following him into the sea.
* Though many Republican Guards dress up in burkas in the privacy of their own tents, that doesn’t make them gay.
* In the first Gulf War, a confused group of Republican Guards accidentally surrendered to some monkeys. The monkeys then bit them (violating the Geneva Convention rules on handling P.O.W.’s) and stole their vehicles and weapons. Legend has it that they still roam the deserts today, wreaking havoc as only monkeys do.
* To raise money for their uniforms, the Republican Guards hold an annual goat roast.
* The Republican Guard’s only natural predator is the camel. It will spit in the eyes of a Republican Guard to blind him and then swallow him whole. The shark would be another natural predator– if only Aquaman were somehow able to trick the Republican Guard into following him into the sea.
* In a show of cultural differences, when seeing the famous photo at the arrest of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, most Republican Guards were shocked by how little body hair he had and how small his shirt collar was.
* In the first Gulf War, most experts identify the main military blunder of the Republican Guard in their fight with the U.S. military as being that they we’re fighting the U.S. military. It’s yet to be seen if they have learned from that mistake.