Legislators are introducing a bill to help fight exotic species like the evil Chinese superfish, the snakehead. This is a good thing. We have plenty of laws protecting different animal species, but I’ve always said we don’t have enough laws calling for their deaths. To me, this was the biggest oversight of the Endangered Species Act. In it, we try to save animals that are going extinct because of the actions of man, but what about the animals who were supposed to become extinct? Don’t we, to preserve the natural order of things, have to find them and eradicate them?
I say we add a committee to the EPA whose job it is to decide which animals should become extinct, and then send out a special squad to find and eliminate those animals. I will be on that squad. First off, I say we get rid of the mosquito. They cause itchy bumps and there is no need for that. Frankly, I could do without most insects. If bees want to stick around, they really should think hard about getting rid of those stingers.
As for birds, obviously the pigeon has to go. Also, I’ve never liked the Canadian geese; they’re dirty filthy things and they’re from Canada. I also don’t get the point of a bird that can’t fly, but I’ll spare the penguins since they stay out of our way in Antarctica.
The oceans are filled with tons of weird, icky things with sharp teeth or poison; I say we be a lot more discriminating about what we let live the ocean. The really deep-sea creatures are fine – we never run into them – but anything near the surface has to be nicer or taste good fried.
Also, I find the idea of mammals that live like fish perverse. I especially don’t like the dolphins. They think they’re so great since everyone says how smart they are, but they better learn some humility or its curtains for them.
As for land mammals, the raccoons keep getting in my trash – they die now. I never trusted cats, so lets at least get rid of all the large, wild ones. Also, there is something about squirrels I just find unsettling; since they don’t seem to play an integral part of the ecosystem, let’s get rid of them just to be on the safe side. Oh, and for the deer, it’s fun shooting you, but you better start learning to look both ways before crossing the street. Marsupials are weird, but so is much of Australia, but any marsupials that wander off the reservation should be dealt with; yeah, I’m talking about you, opossum.
Anyway, could someone who is good at writing legislation type up the bill and send it to congress? I’ll start oiling up the shotguns in preparation.
I would add Chihuahuas to the list.
What the heck do you have against cats? They (especially the big ones) keep the populations of other, more annoying animals down. Like monkeys. They keep the monkey population in check. I should think you’d be pleased at that.
Y’Know, he’s got a point about monkeys…
Wait – I’ve got the big cat solution right here: get Condi on the problem, and turn them all into nature’s perfect cyborg killers. Give them even better night vision and jumpjets. Maybe something like fire breath, or some sort of laser. Or just razor-sharp metal-enhanced claws. Armor under all that pretty fur, and we’ll have them keep the unwanted species in line. Program them to be loyal enforcers, slaughtering our enemies in the night, and sitting at Rummy and Condi’s feet during press conferences.
“As for land mammals, the raccoons keep getting in my trash – they die now.”
Fat chance. There were apparently 7 million raccoons in North America before Columbus showed up, and there are apparently 7 million now*. In other words, the raccoon has looked upon the awesome and terrible powers of humanity… and yawned.
I respect that: but then, I respect any species that we cannot kill.
Moe
*No, I have no idea how this was counted.
Good point about the racoons. I think the problem here is that we, as a species, haven’t dedicated ourselves to showing the planet who’s boss.
I suggest we not focus on eradicating individual species. Rather, we should simply kill whatever animal we run across at regular intervals – say every fourth or fifth animal. Sometimes that will mean goodbye Mr. Squirrel. Other times it will mean Fluffy will have to shuffle off the mortal coil. Time to show these critters who’s the boss around here…
WOW, superfish!
French hens. We gotta get rid of anything named after the French. I’m still debating about frogs though.
And how about Liberals? I don’t mean kill ’em all but we gotta thin the herd.
And rats. Cats kill rats and birds and mice and even some bugs (ever see one eat a moth? -ewww). They even kill fluffy little bunnies, which is what you get for being fluffy and little, you dirty bastards.
And fish… If it doesn’t get them wet. Now you might doubt a cat can catch a fish without getting wet, but I’ve SEEN it happen. Stupid fish 🙂
sure everyone wants to see these animals extinct
but why would we let their bodies go to waste??
Why not eat them?
mmmmmm i could really go for a dolphin burger!
sure everyone wants to see these animals extinct
but why would we let their bodies go to waste??
Why not eat them?
mmmmmm i could really go for a dolphin burger!
Cats are essentially Satan’s handmaidens. The show’s over, “Mittens”.
Crocodiles, sharks and snakes, gotta go.
“Crocodiles, sharks and snakes, gotta go.”
But, but, but… what would Evil Scientists use as unbribable guards for their underground lairs, then?*
For that matter, this crocodile thing worries me: that might be expanded to include alligators, and I hope I don’t have to explain to anyone around here just how cool gators are.
Moe
*Sure, you could genetically mutate pandas or a baby harp seals, but it’s just not the same somehow.
I could go for one o’them dolphin burgers, so long as it’s tuna-free.
I do actually work for a state legislature and regularly draft legislation so, but, um…well, no, I couldn’t possibly comment. Except to say Noah D’s idea for Condi’s “improved” big cats would definitely be cool.
We can’t just wipe out mosquitoes. Do you realize how many tax paying Americans are employed by the hydrocortizone and calamine lotion industries?
We must first retrain these pharmaceutical employees, giving them the skills necessary to gain new employment as the eradicators of unwanted species. Only then can we begin mosquitocide.
Dolphin burgers–tastes like chicken.
Cats are essentially Satan’s handmaidens.
Bah. You talk like that’s a BAD thing.
Personally, I feel that anything bigger than a Labrador Retriever should be dead, or in a zoo, excluding the food animal groups, of course. Especially whales, polar bears, and Kennedys.
But Frank, we need the big cats. Mountain lions eat liberals in California all the time. I would have thought they would have all died from food poisoning, (Don’t put that in your mouth, Simba! You don’t know where it’s been!) but somehow they live. I find that admirable.
The Canada geese have got to go, however. They’ve driven out the cooler water fowl on the East Coast (great blue herons are badass as can be) by becoming liberals: existing on handouts from idiots. I say we declare hunting season on the idiots who keep feeding these pests. And the geese, too.
How about if we circulate Socialist ideas among the animals? They’d be dead of starvation in months. We just have to hope they don’t copy the suicide bombers. A bear with a bomb belt could take out half of the Senate. Wait a minute! Hmm….
you guys are crazy don’t you realize that all animals in the world create a balance we lose one we screwed
Hmm… seems like someone can’t take a joke…
Whoever wrote this is a sick sick person! You are evil! What kind of person would oil his shotgun to go out and kill animals. Your a freak and so ughhh. If i could have a bill it would to lock you up into a deep dark cell and never let you out. you are a disgrace to the world and who ever thinks the same as you!!!!!!! YOu are a animal murderer!!! Animals is gods beautiful creatures. I came to this site hoping wold tell me how to help not murderer them in cold blood your evil and thats all. A message from Iluvanimals always. ALso i luv plants so dude you better make sure you dont tell your opinion to animal lovers you sick evil physco freak!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell all people that think the same things thier physco freak!!!!!