President Bush decided to personally give a press conference to update everyone on the state of war. “Despite all the negative reports, I want everyone to know that Operation Wacky Iraqi Attacky is doing tremendously,” he announced. National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice then whispered in his year. “What!” Bush responded, “That liar Colin Powell told me he was going with my name idea!” Bush looked back to the reporters. “So does anyone have questions about the boringly titled Operation Iraqi Freedom?”
“If Iraq uses WMD’s against U.S. troops, will you consider striking back with nuclear weapons?”
“No, absolutely not. Karl Rove carefully explained to me that the diplomatic costs are too high.” He looked around. “Where is he?”
“We have some new technology related to that,” Rice told the press, “This is a new weapon to help us defeat our enemies but isn’t as mean and scary as a nuclear weapon. It’s a 10 megaton ‘Happy Bomb’.” Rice then pulled back a sheet revealing a large bomb with a smiley face displayed prominently on the front. “Look it’s smiling!” Rice exclaimed, “Isn’t it happy?”
“Wow! It is smiling!” Bush said excitedly, “Let’s use it now!”
“Isn’t it that actually a nuclear bomb with just a smile painted on it?” asked one reporter skeptically.
“Yeah, that’s a good question,” Bush said to Rice, getting suspicious, “Did you just paint a smile on a nuclear bomb?”
“No, of course not,” Rice replied innocently. “There are also stencils of bunnies on the side.”
“Hey, there are bunnies on the side!” Bush said happily, “Cute ones! We should use this bomb now!”
“So will this bomb have horrible radiation effect to wherever it is dropped?” asked another reporter.
“Not horrible radiation effects,” Rice answered, smiling, “but lovely happiness effects… over a 150 mile radius.”
“Wow! How happy will it make places?” Bush asked.
“Too happy for most people to stand – or plants or animals – and the happiness will last for decades.”
“Jeepers! That sure sounds like a lot of happiness!” Bush said, getting psyched, “We should use this bomb now!”
“So will this ‘happiness’ cause gruesome mutative effects?” inquired an incredulous reporter.
“No, it’s natural for this much happiness to… uh… change a creature into something– even happier…”
“Like in Pokemon?” Bush interrupted.
“Uh… yeah… like in– Pokemon,” Rice answered, trying to keep a straight face.
“Cool! I want a Charizard. We should use this bomb now!”
“Aren’t you afraid of the resultant protests?” asked a reporter.
“Wait,” Bush said, turning to Rice, “There aren’t going to be more smelly, hippy protesters bothering me about this, will there?”
“No,” Rice assured him, “because the first thing the Happy Bomb does it make a giant mushroom, and hippies love mushrooms.”
“Wow! A giant mushroom! Let’s use this bomb now!”
“Great,” Rice said, producing a map of Iraq, “I’ve marked with frowny faces a number of strategic locations that just aren’t very happy.”
“George!” called Laura Bush, walking into the press conference, “What are you doing?”
“Important strategic stuff.”
“I thought I told you to stay away from Condoleezza,” Laura chided him, “She’s always trying to trick you into using nuclear weapons when Karl Rove isn’t around.”
“But she’s changed,” Bush answered, “She now wants to use a Happy Bomb instead.”
Laura smacked Bush upside the head. “Don’t be so gullible.”
“Come on, dear, not in front of the press,” Bush pleaded.
“Almost got away with it,” Rice said angrily as she walked off.
“That Condoleezza and that Rumsfeld are bad influences on you,” Laura told him, “They just keep trying to get you into more wars. You should instead consult with that nice Colin Powell.”
“But everyone in my administration hates Colin Powell,” Bush protested, “If they see me hanging out with him, they’ll think I’m not cool.”
“You can’t spend all your time worrying what people think about you or you’ll end up like that Billy Clinton, who I definitely don’t want to see you talking to.” She started pulling him out of the press conference. “Now come on. You promised me you would fix the closet door today.”
Bush looked to see the press was chuckling at him. “Ari!” Bush yelled, “Make sure no one reports anything about this.”
“On it!” White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said as he took the podium and faced the reporters. “Who here likes freedom of the press?” he asked, and then surveyed the group in front of him. “Wow, that’s everyone. Now, here’s a different question: who likes not getting hit in the head with a lead pipe? It’s okay to think about it… Looks like it’s everyone again.” Fleischer fished for something hidden behind the podium. “Now let’s say you could only choose one…”
Just watching the missiles being launched makes me Happy…….
For ultimate happiness, they could drop a couple MOAB’s on the bastards………w00t w00t
“Who likes freedom of the press” and “did you just paint a smile on nuclear bomb” would enter our shared heritage in a more just world. Outstanding.
Fantastic again.
I dunno. Were I Ari, I’d’ve just used a neuralyzer…(FLASH!!!)
I just love your interviews. The thing that cracks me up most are your alternative names for Operation Iraqi Freedom: Operation Iraqi Murder Death Kill and Operation Wacky Iraqi Attacky! LOL!!! That’s hysterical!
I want to see Condi Rice’s map with the frowny faces.
I bet the real Ari wishes he could use a lead pipe in his briefings. When he’s asked a particularly stupid question, he gets this look in his eyes.
Wacky Iraqi Attacky. Perfect.
“…spread sunshine all over the place, and put on a happy face!”
R.W.: that’s American sunshine…
f*** g w bush
I sure wish it were called the Wacky Iraqi Attacky…and they say Bush is dumb! He’s a creative genius, just like Frank!
Frank, please, I’m almost ready to beg you to pitch this whole idea as comedy show to Fox. You could be a Gazillionaire! Think of all the insiders stuff you could spoof then!
f**k g w bush
awwwwe…. is the wittle weftie mad?
If we could only find a fornicating, finger-to-the-wind poll-reading, selling missile technology to the communists punk to be president……
Any ideas?
I cannot put into words how much I enjoy these stories. If I was a schoolgirl, I’d have a crush on Frank. Fortunately for him (?), I’m not a schoolgirl.
Frank, I think our friend who said
f**k g w bush
is rather unhappy. Well, he needs some ‘happiness’ in his life. A whole LOT of happiness, continuously bombarding him and his family for years to come.
Absolutely hilarious as always. Someone already commented on it, but I love the names for the Iraqi operation…Operation Iraqi Murder Death Kill and Wacky Iraqi Attacky.
Keep em comin!!
-Jeff
A few people should really record this on mp3. Something like that Dungeon’s and Dragon’s bit with “I’m attacking the darkness!”
None of us has considered the possibility that Frank J may be a deep-cover plant from the Democrat Leadership Council, getting us to laugh at satire that CUTS BOTH WAYS.
I’m enjoying myself far too much to care.
“In My World” is my holiday from serious news.
Nolts, I’d watch it…but remember how many episodes “That’s My Bush” lasted,.. damn funny show, too. I see this more as a Robert Smigel-esque short ‘toon that could play on say…oh…The Daily Show? The Fox Report? The History Channel?
It’s very fortunate that you reside in the United States. If you posted this junk in the following countries, you’d be arrested: Italy, France, Germany, Hungary, Turkey (hanged or beheaded), Netherlands (poked up the bu..), Belgium (pelted with waffles)…..oh yes, in the UAE, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Egypt, Syria, Jordan, and of course, Iraq you would not be arrested, you’d be beheaded on the street or hanged without trial. Perhaps you should move to one of the above countries and see how you’d fare.
Proud to have served!
Why stop at a couple? Saddam has more than a couple of palaces, let’s MOAB the lot of them and all the other major strategic targets. Now that would really be “shock and awe”.
And if that doesn’t do it, well there ARE the happy bombs.^_^
I hope all of u r happy, no one thought about what is really going on in iraq right now, about killing people by the name of Amirca freedom, ya go bomb iraq and kill every one around and free all of them then make a joke of it.
PS: After that may GW Bush and Condoleezza enjoy Iraq Oil
“I hope all of u r happy, no one thought about what is really going on in iraq right now, about killing people by the name of Amirca freedom, ya go bomb iraq and kill every one around and free all of them then make a joke of it”
Or maybe everyone here thinks about it all the time, some like me join protests and call their local gov’t, and I totally approve the use of humor to raise awareness to the issues.
Pronounce it with me now … Sa-Ti-re
for the love of God!
What? It’s not called “Operation Wacky Iraqi Attacky?”
I blame Pataki.
You are all f***ed up
Well, this really accomplished nothing. For people suffering half-way across the world, this hardly seems like appropriate humor to me.
You can poke fun, but we can’t grasp living in the fear they live with. Never has any army been at the front of so many liberating armies, think about that.
Who gives a f*** what you peacenick liberal bastarts think? It’s funny.
I think that George Bush should destroy all of the other countries in the world because none of them can be trusted. After that, he should destroy all of the liberals in this country because none of them can be trusted. Some people in the army may feel sympathy for liberal Americans, so they should be destroyed too. Actually, everyone should be destroy except George Bush to insure that the American way of life will prevail, and if you think that you should live, you are not a patriotic American.
Wow! thats what the islamic fundamentalists say!!
well… except for the whole america part…
Im So happy i could sprout several more appendages!!!
I pity the fool who thinks that Mr. Leftist liberation army largest defecit in US history isn’t just a fag hating. mysogenistic, religious liberal. 😛
A bit overly simplistic, but amusing… I think some of your readers should try not to take this so seriously, it’s just political satire, it’s no different then making “Got Lewinsky” jokes…..