Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, allegedly the planner of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, is now in U.S. custody, having been captured in Pakistan. President Bush was quick to give a statement about the victory.
“Yeah, we got that sucka!” Bush announced to the press, “I have plans to personally question Mohammed to find what other evil terrorist secrets he is hiding.”
When asked if he would be willing to use torture to extract information from Mohammed, Bush answered, “Absolutely not. Torture is bad, and we is a civilized nation.”
“So why do you have a rubber hose with you?” a reporter asked.
“Uh… because I plan on watering the White House lawn after questioning Mohammed.”
“Don’t you have a lawn service to do that?”
“Hey, I’m just trying to save the tax payers money!” Bush answered angrily, “Now stop asking me so many questions or I’ll beat you with this hose just like I’m about to beat Khalid Shaikh Mohammed!”
White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer soon gave a press conference to once again explain that Bush didn’t mean what he said. He didn’t seem in the mood for taking questions today, though.
“Why do we have to tell you idiots anything?” Fleischer asked, “Everyone hates you people. We’re the government of the United States of America. We don’t have to explain ourselves to anyone!”
“Don’t you owe explanations of your actions to the American people?” answered a reporter.
“That’s an interesting theory,” Fleischer stated, “and I will respond to it by throwing a beer bottle at your head.” Fleischer was true to his word.
“Do have to drink during these press conferences?” asked another reporter, one who was not now bleeding.
Fleischer saw Helen Thomas preparing to ask a question. “Yes.”
“Why does President Harding want an illegal war for oil?” Thomas asked. “Why does he want to kill innocent Iraqi children?”
“Helen, please, if there is any decency in you, just lie down on the ground and stop breathing,” Fleischer urged.
“You stole my pills earlier today!” Thomas yelled at him. “You give them back.”
“No. And I don’t want any more questions about this ‘Blood for Oil’ nonsense. As I keep explaining to you people, we already stole all of Iraq’s oil while we were distracting Saddam with the inspections. This war with Iraq is pure bloodlust, plain and simple, and oil has nothing to do with it.”
“What is the White House’s response to the increasing rhetoric from North Korea? They claim that the CIA is plotting to blow up their reactors, and that they will respond with a nuclear war.”
“Nuclear war against whom?” Fleischer laughed, “Pasadena? Their nukes are pathetic.”
“But they could hit South Korea and Japan.”
Fleischer shrugged his shoulders. “So what? We don’t live there. I say let the CIA blow up their reactors. President Bush’s official opinion is that the CIA is that they can do whatever they want as long as they don’t assassinate him like they did JFK.”
“Is there any truth to the fact that you and President Bush secretly met with Jimmy Carter under the pretenses of asking him to negotiate with North Korea, but then proceeded to beat him up and steal his lunch money.”
Fleischer pounded his fist into his palm. “That little squealer! Uh… I mean… I want the press to know that Jimmy Carter is a dirty liar and that all the cool politicians hate him.”
President Bush then ran into the room. “Het, Ari, can I borrow your hose. I need it to go spray some protestors.”
“What happened to yours?”
“I broke it on a Muslim. Come on, I hear Martin Sheen is among them. Maybe I can give him some up close and personal lessons on how a real president beats up a protestor.”
“Kick ass!” Fleischer exclaimed, running off with Bush.
“But we have questions about the state of current affairs that are important to the American people!” one reporter protested, Fleischer and Bush were already gone. “Who am I kidding; we would have more viewers if we were questioning Zora from Joe Millionaire.”
Heh. Carter…
Shirley, you jest…
I love these press conferences, and I especially enjoy Helen Thomas being treated with the respect she deserves: which is none. Thanks for some wonderful comedy. Please don’t stop writing.
I want to see Rummy beat the crap out of Helen Thomas and Jimmy Carter daily, and maybe Michael Moore could drop in, and make it an idiot trifecta.
yes! we need michael moore to make a fat and greasy cameo appearance. do your worst!
Dear Lord, please have Rummy beat the living crap out of Michael Moore
I’ll be ready for death with no regrets when Moore shows up in Frank’s world with Rummy.
I’m in love with Mari. M
Laughs evily as the thought of Bush beating Martin Sheen with a garden hose runs through his head
Yet again I find myself on the ground and other family members yelling at me to quiet the hell down…Frank you’re the man. Hilarious hilarious great stuff.
Keep em coming. Oh, and by the way, put me in the “I want to see Moore get the shit beat out of him by Rumsfeld and his bat” club.
-Jeff
If this many people want Moore to get his, I’ll think about it for Wednesday. I’ll do it honor of Rachel Lucas who’s on a hiatus right now and thus can’t keep skewering him.
You can’t have Rumsfeld kill Moore! That would be like killing Dr. Evil or something – where do you go next? Nah, he gets brutally beaten AND insulted, but the slimy bastard will find SOME way to escape. He’s evil that way.
And have Ari flinging more beer bottles or other alcohol-related stuff. You nailed his role with that one! Somehow, that’s exactly how I thought he’d act in your world. Perfect! Lemme ask: In your world, is he a titty bar kinda guy? It seems so to me, but I don’t have your dementia – err, I mean talent!
always brings a smile to my face – we love your work!
Moore: I am a man of passion, Sir…”
Rummy: Passion fruit? What?
Moore: Tell me, Mr. Secretary, why are we engaging in an unjust war in the name of national security and Iraqi liberation when that rationale is obviously a facade for America’s craven desire to control Iraqi oil, expand McDonalds’ real estate, put guns in the hands of our subjects and, of course, avenge the failure of America to remove Saddam 12 years ago?
Rummy: Just what the hell kind of a mushheaded self-flogging boorish and unfocused flat-assed question is that?
Moore: Forgive me, sir…I have soiled myself.
Rummy wakes up in cold sweat…overhears Condee Rice in next room moaning “daisy cutter! daisy cutter!”
“Well, color me stupid,” he muses “Passion wins the day after all.”
I can’t wait for the movie version to come out! Of course, we’ll have these individuals playing themselves – no actors will do. I can see it now: Take 15 – Rumsfeld, hit a little harder!!
Frank, you are an evil, evil man. ‘…If there’s any decency in you, just lie down on the ground and stop breathing.’ Fabulous. I love it.
May I add a suggestion? I say you have the Iraqi children beat the crap out of Helen. That’ll show her.
this one was packed with goodies. “We is a civilized nation”…was great but the best was “Must you drink during these press conferences?” (sees Helen Thomas) “Yes.” ha ha ha keep up the good werk
Please add my name to the “whip michael moore with a rubber hose” fan list – also we need to stop capitalizing his name, he doesn’t deserve that –
The Smoke Eater