“WAR!” Rumsfeld shouted, and then resumed in a whisper, “I can feel it nearing… growing closer… and as war approaches, my strength grows…”
He noticed the press starting to back away towards the exit.
“The doors are locked,” he told them, “Ask your questions.”
“So you’re not worried that the U.S. will not have the votes it needs in the U.N.?”
“The U.N. is weak! This world is for the strong! The U.N. serves no purpose anymore.”
“What about the U.N.’s own plan for a post-war Iraq?”
Rumsfeld laughed heartily, striking fear in the hearts of all the reporters. “After Iraq is obliterated, we will turn our vengeance on the U.N. and all those unfaithful to America. Most of Europe will be stripped mined and Canada changed into a prison camp.”
“So all those protesters who said that America has imperialistic intentions…”
“Were absolutely right… and will be killed.”
“So why do you tell us this now?” asked one reporter, cowering.
“Because it is too late to stop us!” Rumsfeld declared triumphantly, “No filthy hippy, no matter how cleverly worded his placard, can prevent America’s war machine now that the gears are turning. Soon all of the world will rest under America’s thumb, and it will be a glorious new era of prosperity… except for those who don’t live in America. They will wail mournfully the rest of their short lives, cursing the day they ever spoke against the U.S.A.”
“Don’t you think the American people won’t stand for such imperialism?”
Rumsfeld grabbed the reporter by his collar. “You will report none of this!” He then tossed him across the room. “Freedom of the press has been abolished!” He threw a bunch of papers to the press. “Here are the stories you will report.”
“But we have integrity as news correspondents…”
“Rarrr!” Rumsfeld yelled as he shook his fists in the air threateningly.
“Yes master!”
“In our top story tonight, the cause of cancer has been discovered: listening to liberals. Experts have found that their ideas are actually so idiotic that they’re carcinogenic.”
“Hey, Ari, you gotta see this!” Bush shouted as he sat watching TV, “They’re reporting… ack… cough… erk…”
Ari Fleischer ran over and gave Bush the Heimlich maneuver, popping a pretzel out of his mouth. “What is it?”
“Rumsfeld convinced reporters he ended freedom of the press again. It’s hilarious!”
“Experts say to shun peace rallies at all cost,” the report continued, “and recommend quarantining all liberal college professors. Also, they say if you see Michael Moore, you should beat him with an axe handle before he has a chance to speak.”
“Hell,” Bush remarked, “I already knew to do that.”
I don’t have an axe handle handy. Do I have to go buy one or am I allowed to use a shovel if I run up on Moore?
I’d use the other end of the axe, but I’m afraid the splatter would ruin my shoes.
I’d use the other end of the axe, but I’m afraid the splatter would ruin my shoes.
Oops, sorry ’bout that.
Great, Frank. Nobody will ever do Rummy like you do.
“I can feel it nearing… growing closer… and as war approaches, my strength grows…”
Ahhh, the beauty of Rummy. Thank you, Frank J. This was a perfect start to my day.
Best. Rumsfeld. Ever.
And I’m quite glad to see that Michael Moore gets an ass-whippin’ shout out.
How delightful! I would surely love to see someone force the liberal media into making such reports, and quarantining liberal college professors is always good policy–Rummy should find a way to bring that under the auspices of national defense.
Superb!!!! Your Rummy ranks up there with some of the best (ultra cool) anime villains I’ve ever seen…all you need now is to put him in a impressive cloak with spiked shoulder pads and he’s good to go.
Oh yeah, don’t forget the glowing eyes and hands.
I watched Rummy’s last Press conference and I want whatever shoulder holster he’s got, because you can’t see a trace of that Luger under his coat.
Or maybe it was “Machete Day”….
Naw, if Rummy was a anime villan he’d be shouting “Ultra Mega Luger Hyper Attack!” before gunning down the reporters.
I agree that this has been the best Rumsfeld yet. I was in a lecture class when reading this, and nearly started laughing when he “Rarrr!”s at the reporters. It was all I could do to contain myself. Keep up the good work!!
Someone has to find out if Ari and Rummy are ever afforded to see themselves as Franks and the rest of us would like them to be. The Helen comment yesterday” Would you please lay down and stop breathing” was priceless and Rummy warning “the doors are locked. Ask your questions.” cut right to the heart of the matter. Frank, your arch nemisis should be your spell checker!
Usually I love “In My World”. But this one was utterly weak, a real let down. Booooooo.
Someone didn’t like my Rumsfeld post, so I’ll stop writing them now.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Frank, I honestly hope you’re joking. Infact, if you are, I’ll have to hire Rumsfeld (although he is your intellectual property) and have him stab you with a blunt pencil. And no one would want that to happen cracks knuckles evily
All that aside, it was a GREAT GREAT HILARIOUS In My World. I especially like the idea of using Canada as a prison camp….it seems suiting that those bastards that ever spoke ill of the USA should have to rot in the hellhole that is out norther neighbor.
Please please please please keep em comin! For my sanity, for the humor, for the little bit of truth, but mainly for the vicious and unnecessary beatings of those whom you dont like….keep posting the Rummys.
-Jeff
a scenario I’d love to see:
A reporter asks a “stoopid” question. Ari gives him “the look” for a second and then pushes a button on the podium. A pair of steel shackles whip around the reporter’s ankles and one across his arms and chest, pinning him in his chair. Ari says, “Here’s your answer” and pushes another button. The reporter screams as an electrical current runs through his body. Not enough to kill him, but enough to leave him wimpering and his jacket smoldering. The other reporters jump up and run for the door…to find it locked. Ari quietly says, “Sit down.” As they hesitate, Ari pulls out a luger and shoots a reporter in the elbow. He then says, “I said to si…” He doesn’t even finish the sentence before there’s a mad scramble for a chair. A few reporters slip in a puddle of urine running from under Helen’s chair as she mumbles in her sleep “Oh Lyndon…you’re the cat’s meow!”
Dammit, Jim, didn’t anyone ever tell you not to give away the ending before the movie’s over? Sheesh.
This latest Rumsfeld post has surpassed all others. You are a creative genius. Thank you for the humor you instill in my life.
HELL YEAH! I’m addicted to these posts… LOL 🙂