“Can we start bombing them now?” Rumsfeld asked impatiently.
“No, we still have to wait just a little bit more,” Condoleezza Rice answered.
“If it weren’t for that sissy little Texan,” Rumsfeld declared angrily, “I could of demolished Iraq long ago, along with North Korea and most of Europe.”
“The press,” Rice reminded him, pointing to the reporters standing before them and cowering in fear.
“Ask your questions quickly,” Rumsfeld commanded them, “As soon as this war starts, I’m lobbying to have you all killed as a precautionary matter.”
“What is your reaction to France saying they may help the U.S. if there is a chemical attack?”
“That’s simply not enough to keep me from personally murdering all Frenchmen. They have shown no faith to the U.S., and the will pay with their blood.”
“Are you really going to kill them all?” asked a reporter in disbelief.
“Yes, total frog-a-cide.” He then stared the reporter in the eye. “Do you doubt that I can?”
“No, sir, no,” the reporter answered, trying to back away.
“They’ll probably surrender on sight of seeing an angry American,” Rumsfeld explained, “I’ll then strangle them with their White Flags.”
“When will this occur?”
“Sometime after we demolish Iraq. I plan to put Saddam’s head on a pole and then use it as a cudgel against Chirac.”
“On account of your hatred of the French, are you in support of the renaming of french fries and french toast to ‘freedom fries’ and ‘freedom toast’?”
Rumsfeld shrugged his shoulders. “I only eat meat.” He then turned to Rice. “His question wasted my time. Teach him through pain.”
Rice operated a remote control and the reporter fell to the ground twitching. “I forgot to mention to you all,” Rice said, “I had pain inducers surgically implanted in all of you.”
“When did you do that?” asked a worried reporter.
Rice smiled. “That’s classified.”
“But that’s against the law!” another reporter protested.
“I AM ABOVE THE LAW!” Rice screamed, shocking who dared question her.
“Anymore questions?” Rumsfeld asked, “Or do all fully understand that Iraq and France will soon be destroyed?”
“What about the Iraqi children?” screeched Helen Thomas, who had somehow wandered into Rumsfeld’s press conference.
“The Iraqi children will die and so will you!” Rumsfeld yelled in full rage as he whipped out his luger and started firing at her. Thomas ran out of the pressroom, cackling all the way.
“She’s quicker than she looks,” Rumsfeld said mournfully as he reholstered his gun.
“You’ll get her one day,” Rice assured him, patting him on the shoulder.
“We’re really scared now,” said one reporter, “Can we go now?”
“Yes, flee in terror,” Rumsfeld told them, and they quickly complied.
A French diplomat was scheduled to respond to Rumsfeld’s remarks, but was found murdered, seemingly yet another victim of the “Rumsfeld Strangler.” D.C. police aren’t sure, though, since the note left at the scene was written in some sort of crazy monkey language, reading, “Je suis Donald Rumsfeld. J’ai étranglé cet homme.” Authorities say that if you have any information that could lead to the whereabouts of the Rumsfeld Strangler, keep it to yourself so he doesn’t strangle you.
Rummy Wednesdays just keep getting better.
A Luger. Perfect.
“I only eat meat.”
LOL!
Is Rummy going to kill all of the frogs himself, or is he going to leave some for the rest of us?
For a moment there, I was afraid Rumsfeld would kill off Helen Thomas, thus depriving us of a prominent character in your cast.
Suggestion: wait until Helen Thomas makes it home and think she’s safe, then switch on the pain inducer!
C’est magnifique!
Frank. Is. A. Goddamn. Genius.
P.S. “I only eat meat…teach him through pain.” HAHAHAH! Definite drink warning for this one.
In “Dereliction of Duty: The Eyewitness Account of How Bill Clinton Compromised America’s National Security,” the former presidential aide says that in 1997 he got a call from Lt. Col. Mark Donnelly, an Air Force One pilot and commander of the Presidential Pilot Office.
“We got a problem,” Donnelly said. “One of our female stewards claims she was approached and touched inappropriately by President Clinton and she’s upset.”
Lt. Col. Donnelly said the attack happened “in one of the galleys on Air Force One. Apparently he cornered her.”
Lt. Col. Patterson said he was distressed at the news. “I knew the woman Mark was referring to. She was bright, cheery and beautiful. She was also an enlisted member of the United States Air Force – and had just, apparently, been sexually molested by the commander in chief.”
Donnelly told his colleague that the Clinton assault victim was “really upset but she doesn’t want this to get out. She just wants an apology.” [This is an excerpt]
Frank, you are one beautiful human being. This series is much more entertaining than anything on television. Surely some lefty Hollyweird type will have the balls to make you an offer soon.
Frank, you are one beautiful human being. This series is much more entertaining than anything on television. Surely some lefty Hollyweird type will have the balls to make you an offer soon.
Frank, you are one beautiful human being. This series is much more entertaining than anything on television. Surely some lefty Hollyweird type will have the balls to make you an offer soon.
I love how Condi is so supportive of Rummy. “You’ll get her next time.” I feel the love. I feel it.
Bonnie,
I, too, feel the love.
Frank J.,
Another masterpiece of humor and wit.
” ‘Yes, flee in terror,’ Rumsefeld told them, and they quickly complied.”
I’m sick so I blew snot all over my screen…and for that reason I’ll keep my response short and sweet and to the point… I also wanna get back to watching TV to see if they’ve gotten any confirmed kills yet…Fingers crossed
Hilarious as always, Frank.
-Jeff
I normally don’t laugh out loud at anything, I’m personally more of a chuckler, but this had my laughing the loudest I’ve laughed in a long time. Brilliant.
“When a reporter asked Rumsfeld if Operation Scare and Divide was a deviation from “what we have been led to believe about the war plan,” the defense secretary responded: “I don’t believe you have the war plan . . . a fact which does not make me unhappy.”
The real Rummy – gotta love him… =P
/zA
Rummy bent W over, and readied him for insertion.
“yer gonna love it , jest like yer daddy” said Rummy.
“yes” whimpered W… Frank J looked lovingly into Rummy’s eyes…….FRANK..FRANK.. snap out of it, you have a customer!!
“welcome to McDonallds may I take your order?” said Frank.
Just found your site. Awesome! Manic talent! Keep it up. 🙂