Last Thursday, demonstrators vanadlised Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s New Mexico home to protest the war. Recently, protestors returned to Rumsfeld’s home again, this time decorating the trees around his home with their own entrails.
“Was this new vandalism not actually a form of protest, but in fact the result of you viciously murdering the protesters then dismembering their corpses as a warning to others?” asked a reporter at Rumsfeld’s press conference.
“My lawyers told me not to answer questions about the matter,” he answered gruffly.
“Then might we at least ask who’s blood it is that you’re currently caked in?”
“Again my lawyers told me not to answer questions about that matter.”
“Aren’t your lawyers in fact dead?”
“They kept telling me what to do.” He clenched his hand into a fist. “I hate lawyers! So do any of you have questions about Operation Iraqi Murder Death Kill?”
“Don’t you mean “Operation Iraqi Freedom’?” corrected one reporter.
“I forgot what name we settled on, but you know what I mean.”
“So are you satisfied with the current progress of the war?”
“Yes, we are making great progress. Our Shock and Aww and Shock campaign has been going especially well. That’s where we first hit the Iraqis with a shock, .i.e., an initial bombing campaign. While they’re dazed and confused, we then flood the city with cute little puppies to make them go ‘Aww.’ Then while distracted by the puppies, we hit them with more shock, i.e., more bloody mayhem. I’m sure it won’t be too long until Baghdad is ours and Saddam is dead.”
“You don’t plan on capturing Saddam?”
“No, he will die.”
“What if he surrenders?”
“Then he will die with his hands up. Next question.”
“Now that some Americans have been killed and captured, will you admit the futility of this war and that its costs are too high?”
Rumsfeld thought about that for a moment. “I think the best way to answer that questions would be to rip this podium out of the ground and then smash it over your head,” Rumsfeld said, ripping the podium out of the ground and then smashing it over the reporter’s head. “Any other questions?”
“How do you respond to reports that Marines are wantonly killing camels when lacking Iraqis to kill?”
“It’s the U.S. Marines’ supreme right in this world to kill whatever the hell they want, and they shall not be questioned on that matter.”
“Don’t you think these actions in Iraq might lead to a broader war?”
“I hope so, for after Iraq I have plans to continue into other countries in the Middle East, wiping out even more terrorists. Then we will start another campaign in Asia starting in North Korea wiping out all other enemies to America. Next we will start a front in Europe doing the same. Eventually, we will hunt down and kill everyone who is trying to harm America, everyone who is thinking of harming America, anyone who supports the harming of America, and anyone who is not vehemently opposed to harming America. In summary, anyone who wishes to terrorize America will die. Anyone who isn’t against terrorism in America will die. Anyone who sees American on TV killed or captured and cheers will die. Anyone who hates America will die. Anyone who spells America with a ‘k’ will die. Anyone who doesn’t cheer every time they hear the name of America will die. And, when all our enemies are finally dead, we will beckon in this newfound era of peace by sitting in a circle and singing Kumbaya.”
“Are you serious about all that?”
“Everything except for the Kumbya part.”
Shock and Aww indeed. I have Coke on the monitor and sore ribs from laughing. Bravo – one of the best yet.
Thanks. I needed that. You are a beacon of light in an otherwise dark world!
Another stellar post! Thank you for the time and effort you put into this site.
Brilliant. The thing that gets me the most is these reporters and other idiots thinking this is going to go as smoothly as Saving Private Ryan and will all be over and resolved in 2 hours. The cold hard fact of the matter is that war is hell and people on both sides are going to die. We just have to make sure that more of their’s die than ours as well as out manouvre them and overtake them.
If reporters were like this back in the forties these same reporters wouldn’t be able to ask such stupid questions unless expressly autherised by the Reich’s Propaganda Minister.
You da man!!! Boo-yah!!! 🙂
You just keep topping the last one, Frank. Way to go, guy.
“It’s the U.S. Marines’ supreme right in this world to kill whatever the hell they want….” Indeed!
Puppies…Aww !
hehehe
I can’t stop LMFAO
Damn
i think i pee’d
Puppies ….Aww
hehehe
i can’t stop lmFao
Damn you made me
pee
I now find myself watching every Rumsfeld/Myers press briefing just waiting for him to shoot a reporter…hope springs eternal, I guess.
oops sorry 4 2nd
comment ..no response
You don’t plan on capturing Saddam?”
“No, he will die.”
“What if he surrenders?”
“Then he will die with his hands up. Next question.”
BRILLIANT!
I don’t mind reading your site. It’s funny. But I do mind your wasting my time by providing criticism but no solutions. It is typical, unfortunately, of the Left’s inability to confront reality. Here’s one for you to ponder from a returning Human shield:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml?xml=/opinion/2003/03/23/do2305.xml&sSheet=/opinion/2003/03/23/ixop.html
Andrew,
Uh… who’s doing what now?
Is Andrew under the impression that Frank J. is:
1) A Lefty?
and
2) Offering his satire and humor as possible government policy?
Andrew, perhaps you should read Frank J.’s biases to get a refresher course on him.
OT, I’ve never seen the left poke fun at itself. It might happen, but I’ve never seen it.
The right doesn’t take itself so seriously.
errrrr criticism without solutions?
Andrew, what part of the definition of “satire” did you skip in the dictionary?
Anyway, this is no way to talk to my future son-in-law.
This is funny as hell, but I thought this was a criticism of Rumsfeld as well. If this is your idea of a tribute, your world is a pretty loopy place indeed. I disagree with your position, but I enjoy the work.
Regards,
Sean
Frank, Thanks for another outstanding post. Loved the ” then he dies with his hands up” slap and Du Toit’s comment “no way to talk about my future son-in-law ” made me spit my drink all over again. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
not to be contrarian, this was good–but not one of the best (“then he will die with his hands up” excepted!) What this needed (and what Rummy always needs imao!) was Condee at his side with a nifty new gadget to punish the reporters for their inanity!! And, Frank, we’re still waiting for Michael Moore to show up!!
Words escape me: you are a comic genius, Frank, though I have little doubt you already know this. Oh, and as a lawyer I have this thought that each of us really wants to be the last one living anyway…
But I do agree with Tuning Spork and miss Condi already.
Condi will be back on Wednesday.
Bond, James Bond, Agent 007 should have his Licence to Kill taken away and retired. Ol’ Rummy is far more worthy to hold the honour, as he will exercise it more often.:)
I didn’t think it was possible, but that was one of the funniest posts ever. Congrats. I wish I was half of that man that SefDeF Rumsfeld was in your posts. Thanks again. — Frank
Just keeps getting better and better…..
The humorless commenters that took your post seriously are the funniest of all! Unintentionally, that is.
Operation Iraqi Murder Death Kill….
that does seem like a better name!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!VICTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Having just finished watching a Rummy press conference, I feel obligated to make it clear, that Frank’s World is now my world as well.
It is IMPOSSIBLE to watch Rummy at a press conference, regardless of the seriousness of the subject, without continuous cackles and giggles when a reporter asks a stupid question.
Re: Satire…One of the essential elements of satire is that at least SOME of the people think that it’s real. In that alone, you have succeeded superbly. A hilarious read!
Brilliant as always, Frank. I often find myself wishing Rummy would shoot a reporter. It would be in the best interests of the nation.
Vince, it happened quite often when Will Rodgers was alive. But the last of any trace of humour from the left died with him.
That was great! My Dad would love to read this.
Once a Marine, always a Marine!
Semper Fi!
RUMSFELD has sold our military short with a half assed, arrogant, “his decision” invasion with not adequate forces…..that bastard needs to hang for this. When the time comes, he needs to be dropped out of a troop transport plane and left on the ground with little ammo, no sleep for a week, and a knife in his throat.
Steve Cook, Lcdr,USN retired
just kill Rumsfeld and his jew partners
“It’s the U.S. Marines’ supreme right in this world to kill whatever the hell they want, and they shall not be questioned on that matter.”
8D
Amen my brother.
except for the last paragraph.
i like my house, but i really dont like the legislators ive never met.
just wanna live ina shack and live off rat shit far away from any kind of civilization.
I have devoured several bananas