It not always easy to get in contact with the Secretary of Defense – especially while a war is going on – but I made a few phone calls, explained to some people, “Hey, I’m Frank J., my website gets nearly 2,000 visitors on a weekday; you can’t just brush me off!” and soon I was set up for a phone interview with Donald Rumsfeld himself.

Frank: Thanks for taking the time to talk to me. I’m a big fan and…
Rumsfeld: Just get to your damn questions! I have wars to plan, you know. There are tons of evil foreigners out there who are not dead, and that has to end.
Frank: I agree with that. Anyway, can I call you Rummy?
Rumsfeld: Only if you’re tired of life.
Frank: I understand. So what evil foreigners should be killed next?
Rumsfeld: I say the Syrians. We’re right there, so let’s just drive over there and kill them too.
Frank: What about setting up a stable Iraqi government?
Rumsfeld: Screw it!
Frank: Then might there end up being more trouble Iraq and thus cause for further war?
Rumsfeld: Good, more war.
Frank: Cool. War makes great T.V. So, any other plans after Syria?
Rumsfeld: I dunno; I forget which countries are next to Syria.
Frank: I don’t know either; it’s probably on a map somewhere.
Rumsfeld: Anyway, it’ll be some other evil dictator who will die horribly.
Frank: Now, one thing I noticed was that when American troops went into cities, Iraqi children were cheering them on. Why weren’t they killed too?
Rumsfeld: I don’t know. Some people like children so we weren’t supposed to use munitions.
Frank: Frankly, I wasn’t very impressed by the Iraqi children; they didn’t seem very cute and didn’t look very trustworthy. Just my opinion.
Rumsfeld: No one cares of your opinion. Next question.
Frank: Okay, so what do you…
Rumsfeld: Hold on a second. (sounds of scuffle)
Frank: You still there?
Rumsfeld: Yes, I just had to strangle someone with the phone cord.
Frank: Who?
Rumsfeld: You don’t know him. What’s your next question?
Frank: So what do you think about France and that asshole Chirac?
Rumsfeld: France will be destroyed. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow… but probably tomorrow. Chirac will then be drawn and quartered, each of his pieces being placed at the four corners of the world as a warning to others.
Frank: Is everyone in the administration on board with that? I would think Colin Powell would be all like, “That’s too harsh.”
Rumsfeld: Do not mention that name. (sound of vomiting) There, I vomited in disgust; you owe me lunch.
Frank: Sorry. So what about Schroeder.
Rumsfeld: Hundreds of years from now, children will cry at the mention of his name. When people are asked to list the biggest atrocities that had occurred in Germany, they will say the Holocaust closely followed by what Donald Rumsfeld did to Schroeder.
Frank: Man, sounds cool. I can’t wait for that ass to get his. Anyhoo, I wanted to ask you some general questions about the military. After the incident with Jessica Lynch, there has been some more questions about women in combat, how do you stand on that?
Rumsfeld: My views are pretty old fashioned, but I have to say that Pfc. Lynch acted like a real American soldier. She wasn’t captured until she was out of ammo. I probably would have then continued fighting, trying to beat the enemy to death with my canteen, but that’s just me.
Frank: What about gays in the military?
Rumsfeld: Here’s my problem, people keep suggesting these ideas for changing the military, but they never ask the pertinent question: How does this help us kill more people? I don’t see how gays in the military does that. Now, back in my day, gays were a bit different. They were manly men who cared little for fashion or showtunes, and only had sex with women. I don’t know where the gay movement eventually changed its course, but I don’t like it.
On the other hand, it’s a really hard thing for me to look someone in the eye and say, “No, you can’t kill anyone.”
Frank: Things sound different back when you were younger. Do you think the culture you were raised in affect the man you are today?
Rumsfeld: Yes, we weren’t little pansies like you people now. Today kids will go to summer camp. Back when I was young, I spent my summers running for my life from the Comanches… or was it the Apaches; I can’t remember. Whoever they were, they wanted to scalp me but I was too quick and wily for them.
Frank: Well, my childhood wasn’t that cushy. I remember this one time I was chased by a large dog… or wait, I think he was chained up and I just thought he was chasing me.
Rumsfeld: Shut up! You are wasting my time. I will kill you if you waste my time.
Frank: Geez. I’ll just get to my next question. I was wondering about your gun choice: a 9mm luger.
Rumsfeld: My luger was my first handgun, and holds a special place in my heart. If I ever have to really take care of business though, I have a twin pair of .45’s. You know the old saying, “You can’t kill a Commie with a metric caliber.”
Frank: Yeah, my dad always said that.
Rumsfeld: So what kind of gun do you carry, punk.
Frank: Well I have this nice little .380 – a Walther PPK like Bond.
Rumsfeld: A .380? So what that’s going to do to your assailant? Tickle him to death?
Frank: Hey! It’s a decent caliber.
Rumsfeld: If you’re a little girl.
Frank: Man, you’re just as mean and crazy as they say.
Rumsfeld: Who says?
Frank: I dunno… they.
Rumsfeld: Then they will die!
Frank: Fine. Well… oh, crap!
Rumsfeld: What?
Frank: I dropped my index cards. All my questions were on those.
Rumsfeld: You are wasting my time.
Frank: Just give me a sec.
Rumsfeld: As more of my time is wasted, my rage becomes more murderous.
Frank: Okay, I got them now. Uh… a shovel, duct tape, lye, fritos…
Rumsfeld: What are you babbling about?
Frank: Sorry, that’s my shopping list for Wal-Mart.
Rumsfeld: Give me a question or I will hunt you down and murder you!
Frank: Come on, Frank, you’ve seen people give interviews before; what kind of questions do they ask…
Oh yeah– Rumsfeld, if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
Rumsfeld: Is there a tree that kills people?
Frank: I once heard of this guy getting crushed by a fallen pine.
Rumsfeld: Then I would be that tree. For, even as a tree, I would thirst for blood.
Frank: Uh… another question… another question…
Oh, I got one. Did you see the Simpsons Sunday?
Rumsfeld: You’re an idiot. I will kill whoever set me up to do this interview with you. And I will do it publicly as an example to others.
Frank: Now I remember what I wanted to ask you about: what’s it like working with Condoleezza Rice?
Rumsfeld: She is quite good at her work, but I get this feeling she thinks she’s smarter than me. I watch my back with her.
Frank: No, man, I meant like what’s it like working with someone that hot. Do you ever go like, “Hey, Condi, could you get me those maps of Iraq… no, I mean the ones from the bottom shelf.”
Rumsfeld: You impudent little…
Frank: Hey! You’re the impotent one, old man!
Rumsfeld: Not impotent… impudent. Impudent.
Are you still there?
Frank: Hang on a minute; I’m getting my dictionary.
“marked by contemptuous or cocky boldness or disregard of others”
I guess I am pretty impudent.
Rumsfeld: Also look up “jackass” while you’re at it.
Frank: Before you I let you go, I wanted to tell you about how I wrote this great war plan I want you to see…
Rumsfeld: We don’t take unsolicited war plans. You need to get an agent first and have him contact us.
Frank: Come on; it’s really good. It’s got this great build up, full of action, and then there’s this surprise attack at the end you’ll never see coming!
Rumsfeld: This interview is over.
Frank: Fine. Thanks for your time, Secretary Rumsfeld. Perhaps we can do this again sometime.
Rumsfeld: I will kill you first!