“Man, do I still got to do all these press conferences,” White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer complained, “I thought I had all of you idiots embedded.”
“Hey, we have important questions and you should give us respect,” complained one reporter.
“Just start asking your questions before I decide to embed my foot up your ass.”
“Was the tank attack against the journalists in the Palestine hotel on purpose?”
“Of course not. What idiot would think that?”
“Well, there is the transcript of the communications in the tank:
VOICE1: Hey, there is that hotel full of journalists.
VOICE2: Let us fire at it and kill some.
VOICE1: What an excellent idea.
(sound of tank firing)
VOICE1: I bet that killed some.
VOICE2: Hooray!
”
“Whatever,” Fleischer responded, “Evidence never proves anything. The coalition forces do their best to no harm non-combatants. We even have come up with this laser guided concrete to avoid collateral damage. They just drop out of the sky, crushing the target with a huge piece of concrete and harming nothing else. It was adapted from the work of Prof. Wile E. Coyote who developed a laser guided anvil for the purpose of hunting a variety of quick moving desert bird.”
“Will we be able to hear from this Prof. Coyote?”
“Unfortunately, no. In extremely tragic and unfunny turn of events, Prof. Coyote was himself crushed by the anvil instead of the intended target. He left behind a wife and three kids.
“Anyhoo, the reason I am having the press conference out in this field is so I could demonstrate this concrete bomb. Just stare at the old building over yonder.”
“Because that’s where you are dropping the bomb?” inquired one reporter.
“Yeah… uh… because that is where I am dropping the bomb,” Fleischer said, trying to hold back a laugh. “Now make sure everyone watches it carefully and does not pay attention to what I am doing.” Fleischer now aimed a laser on the group of reporters.
“Hey, he’s targeting us!” one yelled. They all ran just in time for a large concrete bomb to drop in the center of them.
“You tried to kill us all!” accused one reported.
“No, as I explained to you, it’s an inert bomb. It would have just crushed those directly beneath it… hopefully one being Helen Thomas.” He saw her approaching with a question. “But no such luck.”
“Are you happy now that you’ve killed Iraqi children?” Thomas asked.
“We didn’t kill Iraqi children, you old bat. Actually, I have a drawing from a five-year-old Iraqi boy I want you to see.” He produced a crayon drawing. “See, here he drew you. And here he drew a bus that is running you over. Here he drew himself smiling while this happens. Iraqi children hate you, you old hag, just like I hate you.”
“You stole my pills again!” Thomas yelled, “Give me back my pills!”
“NEVER!”
Just then President Bush ran up. “That concrete bomb gave me a great idea!” he exclaimed, “Let’s go throw bricks through the windows at the Democrats; headquarters!”
“I’m there, dude!” Fleischer said, running off with Bush.
“But we have more questions!” yelled one reporter. “Wait a second… is he pointing another laser at us? Run!”
“You stole my pills!” Heehee!
Have you ever noticed that Helen “the Toad” Thomas and Yassar “the Greasy Toad” Arafat are never in the same place at the same time? I just think that’s very suspicious.
I think using laser guided cement bombs is a great way for the RAF to throw its weight around.
“Embed my foot in your ass…”
Lol, Frank, yet again you’ve done it. I’m glad to see that there is more Hate for Helen (H4H) going on…it always brightens my day when an Iraqi child draws a picture of her dieing a horrible death!
Keep em comin!!
-Jeff
Someone should start a IHATEHELEN.COM web site. The stupid old bitch!
As an avid watcher of the White House Press Briefing (yes I’m a loser)…I enjoyed your Helen Thomas bashing =D She has the most incredibly annoying voice and always manages to ask the dumbest possible questions.
Ironically, there IS such a thing as an inert bomb. It weighs about 2000lbs and contains no explosives…basically it’s full of concrete. It can be either laser or GPS guided and is used to take out certain targets such as a tank next to a mosque, a fighter jet next to a school, or Helen Thomas next to Peter Arnett….except that in the last case collateral damage would be a GOOD thing.
Just the idea of laser-guided concrete makes me bust up laughing. This is the final stage of evolution… jamming shit together and killing idiots with it. We, as a nation, can pretty much put two or three concepts together to kick the shit out of these stupid Arabs.
For instance, we could come up with monkey-guided pool table slates, have Raytheon put it in production by five, and then start obliterating Bedouins by bedtime. In fact, I bet we just killed some of these SPECIAL Republican Guard with them right now. Why are they so spcial? Because they ride the short APCs.
If you’ll excuse me, I’m working up pheremone-guided hot-pizza scalding bombs. I’ve got a whole division of Syrian troops to kill and I want to do it without anchovies.
“Evidence never proves anything”–an aphorism for the ages.
Concrete “bombs” were/are training bombs. Pilots drop them instead of wasting explosive ordnance. Someone had the awesome idea of using training bombs, guiding them with lasers, to take out small targets without creating huge collateral damage from hot explodives. Awesome innovation. Stone-Age meets Space-Age: “smart rocks”!
So what’s wrong with the idea of using Helen Thomas for training with concrete bombs? She qualifies as a small (or at least small-minded) target, and since she’s mobile should be a bit more challenging for the bombadier.
I just can’t shut my pie hole.