“So is there any chance this war could expand out to Syria?”
“I’m not telling you guys,” White House Press Secretary Fleischer scoffed, “Stop asking me questions, ”
“But this is a press conference!” exclaimed the reporter.
“Whatever.” Fleischer took a swig of his bottle of tequila.
“What about reports that the U.S. will be meeting with North Korea in China?” asked another reporter.
“No one way we’re going there, dude,” Fleisher excalimed, “There’s SARS there. Actually, that the administrations position: let SARS take care of them.”
“Is there any information you can give us on the new government you’ll be setting up in Iraq?”
“Yes. We’ll be organizing it similar to feudal Japan, with different Iraqis selected to be Samurai lords.”
“You just made that up!” a reporter accused.
“Prove it,” Fleischer challenged, taking another drink of tequila.
“Why aren’t you giving us actual answers to our questions?”
“Because you’re ugly and stupid; there’s an actual answer to your question.”
“Do you have any comment on progress towards catching the Rumsfeld Strangler?” asked another reporter.
Fleischer laughed. “The Rumsfeld strangler is just an invention of the liberal media.”
“Many believe otherwise. Some say the murderer is someone from your administration.”
“Who?”
“Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao.”
“That’s ridiculous; she’s barely ever strangled anyone.”
“Hey! Another reporter has been strangled!” someone shouted at the back.
“Rumsfeld, did you see anything?” Fleischer asked.
“Why would I have seen anything?” Rumsfeld responded angrily as he stood next to the body. “I don’t have time for this; I have wars to plan.” He then sauntered off.
“Probably just strangled himself,” Fleischer assured the press.
“Do you have anything else to tell us today?” asked a reporter.
Fleischer looked at his empty bottle of tequila. “Yes, I need help getting the worm out of the bottle.” He then broke the bottle over the reporter’s head.
“You’re the meanest, drunkenest press secretary ever!” the reporter cried, running away.
“I have a question. What would you say is the better quality of the president: his fierce intellect or his quality leadership?” asked President Bush, poorly disguised in a gorilla costume.
“What are you doing here?”
“Trying to find out why you haven’t been to the meetings lately?” Bush responded.
“I got this new Zelda game; the pieces of the triforce aren’t going to find themselves.”
“Cool!” Bush exclaimed, “Can I play?”
“It’s a single player game; you can watch. So why are you dressed as a gorilla?”
“I got Daschle a phony newspaper saying that a gorilla escaped from the zoo. Now I’m going to go to his office and maul that weasel. It’ll be so funny! He’ll be like, “Ah! A gorilla is attacking me.”
“He wasn’t fooled last time you tried to maul him wearing a gorilla costume.”
“Whatever. Just come and film it so I can show the tape at the White House Correspondents Dinner.”