Bill Whittle had to remove comments to his posts because of the trolls. If I keep reading Bill, I’m going to be inspired to write a serious essay one of these days. Better stop reading Bill before I embarrass myself.
The bastard at The Yankee Herald delinked me! Why I outta… oh, he linked me again.
Adela loves Frank. Everyone should love Frank. Everyone should hate monkeys.
BTW, I keep hearing from people saying that they just heard about my blog. Why doesn’t everyone know? Aren’t you readers e-mailing everybody about me, and chastising any blog that doesn’t have a link to me?
Between your lack of promotion and voting for the monkey, I’m starting to think of getting new readers.
Archive of entries posted on April 2003
IMAO: Getting in the Way of Useful Information
I found this anonymous comment on my post about suggestions for a type of government for Iraq:
your morons! I was looking for some useful information, not this crap
Apparently that post is already ranked third for “types of governments” as a google search.
My Know Thy Enemy post about the Iraqi Republican Guard used to be the number four ranked entry for a “iraqi republican guard”, but now that post can’t be found at all with google. Hmm… some sort of cover up?
At least this last commenter didn’t call me a “wang”.
Frank Discussions: Condoleezza Rice
Guess who go to sit down with Condoleezza Rice for a nice chat?
No, me, jackass.
I was like, “Hey, it’s Frank J. of IMAO.us. How would you like me to interview you?”
And she was like, “Frank J.! Oh, my God; I can’t believe it! I love your site! It’s so much better than the site of that puppy blending monster.”
Yeah, that’s what happened.
No, you’re a liar.
Anyway, here’s the interview:
Poll Results
The poll on which picture should represent Frank J. is now closed with 505 votes.
RESULTS:
Agent Monkey-for-a-Head: 168 votes
Homicidal Rage Frank: 114 votes
Matrix Frank: 102 votes
Paranoid Frank: 54 votes
Psycho Happy Frank: 26 votes
Depressed Frank: 13 votes
Smirking Frank: 11 votes
Distracted Frank: 7 votes
Serious Frank: 5 votes
Smiling Frank: 5 votes
As a compromise, a reader made this which combines the top two entries. Also, Rachel Lucas said she likes Paranoid Frank, which might out rule you all. Maybe I’ll redo a better picture of that later, but right now I have decided to honor the vote, and thus I have a new About Me page completely rewritten to explain why I have the head of a monkey. Hope you enjoy.
Links of the Day
I just wrote my hate mail to Michael Moore, and then found out he ruined an elementary school career day with another one of his tirades.
Rachel Lucas, the loveliest woman in the blogosphere, finds a killer even greater than guns that you won’t hear Michael Moore rant about (plus she links back to me the post; can’t get better than that!).
Camille has some tips for dealing with ADD. I read some of them, but then I was distracted.
A great way to support our troops.
I Am Right will never be linked by me. He has gained the permanent animosity of me, Rumsfeld, and the monkey.
Someone gave me a pretty decent size donation via Amazon.com, but didn’t give me their information. Please e-mail me so I can say thanks and give you your gift.
Also, for those disturbed by the monkey in the banner, it is only temporary.
Hating Michael Moore
I liked the idea of a hate mail section, but the only problem is that I don’t get that much juicy hate mail. I’m just too loveable. Plus, my In My World parodies can be a bit ambiguous of who I’m making fun of. I saw on one message board that someone linked to one as “great Rumsfeld bashing”.
So, I had an idea: why don’t I write a rambling hate message to someone. Michael Moore has his e-mail on his website, and everyone hates him, so I though he would be a great target.
Dear Michael Moore,
I’m sure you’ve received plenty of incoherent, frothing at the mouth hate mail before, but I promise this to be the most hatingness hate mail of all. You probably can’t tell this from reading it, but it took me an hour to write that first line. That’s because I kept glancing at your webpage and exclaiming, “Grah! Do I hate Michael Moore!” I even stared at your face with pure hatred for so long that the screensaver kicked in, you know, the one with floating thing that changes from like a box to a flower shape. It’s pretty hypnotic, and then I ended up staring at that for a while. Finally, I accidentally kicked my desk, causing the mouse to move, and thus the screensaver ended. So there you were again, and I was like, “Ahh! Michael Moore! I hate him!” Finally, though, I closed your webpage so I could focus better, so here I am.
To get to the point, what was up with your Oscar appearance? “Oh, look at me! I’m making a radical statement! Everybody look how controversial I am! Tee hee hee.” My brother is getting married soon; what if I used the opportunity to give a toast to make a radical statement about my beliefs on tort reform? Sure I’d get a lot of attention, and I do keep thinking about it… but no, that would be wrong. That’s not what the occasion is about. And neither is it that what the Academy Awards is about. Instead the Oscars is about vapid people obsessed with their own artificial importance… which I guess in a way your outburst was an expression of. Anyway, shave next time.
And what’s with your statement about how the country is actually all liberal and that the people booing you were actually booing the booers? Do you actually believe that? What kind of fantasy world do you live in? Are there elves and leprechauns there? If there are, and I caught one of those hippy leprechauns and he told me, “If you don’t harm me and let me go, I’ll give you three wishes,” (that would be in Irish brogue; I don’t know how to represent that typing) I wouldn’t let him go, because the only thing I would want would be to give that stupid pinko leprechaun a beating. To be clear, I wouldn’t beat him as much as a regular size hippy, because that would be like a huge beating to him because of his small size, which isn’t his fault. But I assure you it would be a sound beating, and, when he went back to his leprechaun home, he’d tell the other leprechauns, “Aye, what a sound beating I received; quite proportionate to my size.”
I might have strayed off topic. Anyway, I first started hating you when you wished more Republicans were killed when the planes that crashed into the WTC. Well, I wish you were in there.
…no wait, there would still be lots of innocent people killed. Instead, I wish the terrorists crashed an empty plane into you solely.
…then again, the airline industry is really hurting for money, and losing a plane probably wouldn’t help them any. So I wish a terrorist just ran into you really hard.
…but considering your girth, that would probably hurt the terrorist more that it hurt you. But I do hate the terrorist more, so I guess I do wish that, but as a punishment for the terrorist, not for you.
Did I mention you’re fat? I wasn’t going to do it, because this was supposed to be about how much I hate your viewpoints, not your size. But I can’t help it; you’re an ugly, corpulent bastard. Yeah, that’s right; I know the word “corpulent.” You’re so fat, if the screen got torn at the Cannes film festival, they could just have you wear white pants, have you bend over, and then project the movie on your ass.
…know what; that went too far. I’m sorry. You’ve probably been dealing with your weight problem all your life.
And what’s with wearing the baseball cap all the time? Is it to distract from how hideous you are?
…actually, I guess that works. I remember once going, “Damn! What a fat, ugly man… what’s that on his cap?” So kudos on wearing the hat.
In conclusion, I hate you, you fat, stupid, liberal, Commie, monkey-faced, unshaven, retarded, pinko, flatulent, socialist, globular… and I know I need some sort of noun to complete this thought, but I’m too enraged to think of one.
By the way, my sister is trying to break into the movie business as a costume designer. She has some credentials now, but if you have any contacts that could help her out, I’d really appreciate it. Oh, and though the critics didn’t seem to like it, I thought Canadian Bacon was hilarious. Keep up the good work.
One last thing: BURN IN HELL!
Hatefully,
Frank J.
That should make him know how stupid and useless he is. He’ll probably start crying.
Then again, that wasn’t very Christian of me. I feel bad now. I’ll just have to keep in mind how fat and ugly he is and that he deserves it.
Links of the Day
Carnival of the Vanities is up at Kitchen Cabinet, and I’m raking in more hits than usual from it, so back at you.
Neocons killed Jesus! John Hawkins has a little something to say about the hidden meaning behind the phrase “neoconservative”.
Acidman doesn’t understand a lot of things, and seems smarter for it.
A Vast Right Wing Conspiracy has turned against Rachel Lucas!
I crashed Inoperable Terran with my Jennifer Aniston gag in the last Links of the Day. I feel my power growing.
There are a lot of friends of IMAO that I don’t have a permalink to yet, so don’t be afraid to e-mail me to get on the list. Maybe I’ll have you fight it out in a poll, though.
Also, tomorrow I have something brand new I’m going to try. Hope you like it.
Of Mice and Monkeys
I don’t know how much longer I should keep the poll going; Agent Monkey-for-a-Head has nearly a third of all the votes. You know, I have the IP addresses of everyone who voted for him; I could ban you all. But I won’t. I guess I’ll have to start rewriting my About Me page to explain why I have a monkey head.
Lessons Learned
I guess holding a digital camera at arm’s length isn’t the best way to take a photograph (who knew?). Maybe later I can have some more professional photos taken – maybe by my know-it-all sister – and do another vote later.
I also learned that if you give people a monkey to vote for, they’re going to vote for the monkey. You see, that’s why I hate monkeys
Anyway, polling was fun and I think I’ll do some more polls in the future.
Blegging
Just to be clear, I’m joking about all the money stuff. I’m not quite ready to try and make my site a revenue source like Bill Quick. All I want is to recoup my server costs ($11 a month) and any extra money will go back into the site, maybe paying someone to give me a more professional design. I’ve always wanted a logo, too; my thoughts are of a dolphin leaping majestically out of the water, and then, at the peak of its jump, it’s struck by lightning.
I hate dolphins, too.
I am serious about the t-shirt idea. I think a “Nuke the Moon” t-shirt idea is pretty cool and will just have to settle on a design.
Anyway, thanks a bundle to those who have donated so far, but I want to say I’m thankful for all my readers, donors or not, and especially for those who didn’t vote for the monkey.
UPDATE: If you’re going to donate through Amazon, please don’t do it anonymously. I came up with a little little something I want to give to my donors as a thank you. For those who have already donated, I’ll be sending it out tonight.
In My World: Rumsfeld Seemed Unhappy About Letting Inspectors Back in Iraq, Though No Statement Was Given
“The destruction may seems to have ceased now, but do not be fooled. This is just the eye of the storm, and soon the true carnage begins as we unleash our fury once more on the enemy, hunting them down and painting their wretched cities red with their blood.”
“So are you saying you have further plans for military action?” asked a reporter.
“Yes, you fool!” Rumsfeld shouted, “Your stupidity only increases my rage, rage which I will take out upon the children of lesser countries in your name.”
“What about setting up a new government in Iraq?”
“Nuke them! Let their new government be airborne ash. No mercy for our enemies!”
“Is that the current position of the administration?”
“I care not for their opinion!” Rumsfeld yelled, “Especially not of that whiny liberal Colin Powell.” He then said in a mock high pitch voice, “‘You can’t just indiscriminately kill everyone, Rumsfeld.'”
“Aren’t you afraid that this preemptive strike against Iraq has set a bad precedent?”
“No, it’s a good precedent. Now countries know that if we find them a threat that we will attack them.”
“And what countries do you find to be a threat?”
“Countries that are foreign.”
“But wait a second,” a reporter said snidely, “won’t…”
The reporter was cut short by the sound of Rumsfeld’s luger firing. “See, I knew his question was going to be asinine, so I shot him for it. Preemptive strike.”
“What do you think about the U.N. and Han Blix’s insistence that weapons inspectors be let back in Iraq?” asked a non-shot reporter.
Rumsfeld was just silent for a moment. Then his body started to shake as if the rage inside him was trying to escape in a huge explosion of carnage. Finally, he screamed “Rarr!” and the reporters fled as he charged forward.
“Goody goody!” Blix exclaimed, “I hope we can get the weapons inspectors back in Iraq and then I can eat more chocolates.”
“But what shall we do with the insolent Americans?” Kofi Anan asked. “I think we should ask the opinions of nations run by tyrannical dictators.”
“Kill the jews!” one diplomat shouted.
“That’s six votes for ‘kill the jews’,” Kofi said proudly, “I think we’re going to have a consensus!”
Suddenly a sound of “Rarr!” was heard as two U.N. security guards went flying through the air.
“Oh no!” Blix shrieked in terror, “It’s Rumsfeld.”
“Do as we all practiced and hide under your desks,” Kofi shouted.
Rumsfeld scanned the seemingly empty room, sniffing the air. “I know you’re here,” he said, “I can smell your fear.” Then, with each swing of his arm, he knocked a table out of the way.
Colin Powell came running in the room. “I’m glad I found you,” he said, “You forgot to take your pills to prevent your murderous rage.”
“This isn’t murderous rage!” Rumsfeld insisted, “It’s murderous clarity!”
Powell handed him his pills, and Rumsfeld grudgingly took them.
“Murderousness subsiding,” Rumsfeld uttered, “Now all I want to do is severely beat everyone here.”
He then spotted Blix and Kofi trying to escape. “Don’t hurt us!” they pleaded.
“No!” Rumsfeld slammed their heads together.
“See,” Powell said proudly, “Can’t we all be much happier after compromise?”
“I’m still planning to strangle you later,” Rumsfeld answered.
“Yeah… well… I’ll meet you back in D.C.,” Powell said, running off.
Links of the Day
I’d like to thank Geoffrey Allen of Dog Snot Diaries for telling me where I could make a poll.
Who likes debating homosexuality? Not me, but the Emperor brought up gays in the military with debate ensuing, and Bill Quick thinks Sen. Santorum is a nutbag for what he said about homosexuality. I met Sen. Santorum (I was at his victory party when we were watching the results for the 2000 presidential election not happen), and he didn’t seem nutty. Then again, what do I know? People think I should have a monkey head.
Glenn Reynolds points out how Day by Day and Scrappleface were mentioned in an article about war humor. Congratulations, Day by Day, and damn you, Scrappleface. But why wasn’t I mentioned? Probably Glenn Reynolds doing. Damn you, you evil puppy blender.
I don’t usually link to stuff like this, but man are these some hot photos of Jennifer Aniston.
Money! Money! Monkey!
Okay, people. I don’t think you’re taking this vote seriously. This is supposed to be a picture to represent your beloved Frank J., and so far the leader in votes is Agent Monkey-for-a-Head. Rather than a picture of me, people want a monkey; what a hit to my self-esteem. Makes me want to make sucidally-depressed Frank the official picture. The first four, which were meant to be the non-joke pictures, currently have a total of 14 votes out of 248, with picture number one (smirking Frank) in the lead of those four with 6 votes. I voted for number three, and so far only one other person agreed with me. Anyway, after monkey face, matrix Frank and homicidal rage Frank are in a close battle for second. Maybe I’ll have a runoff vote…
I knew putting up donation buttons would change my whole view of this webpage. Now I look on all you non-donators as vile moochers of my genius. Well, maybe instead I can offer something extra to people who donate, like an exclusive In My World post only for donors. Right now all they get is a thank you note with my actual name (Ooh… mysterious! And mildly hard to figure out.)
Or maybe I can sell my integrity, like Bill Clinton selling Whitehouse access for donations. Links of the day will be up for sale to whomever pays me. Considering how much they give me is how good the link will be (I think I have a good understanding now of how to generate traffic for others 😉 For non-bloggers, donors can be put in an In My World post. Small donations and you’re just the name of one of the random reporters. Larger donations can have you killed by Rumsfeld, and with even larger donations you can be the next victim of the Rumsfeld Strangler™. For a huge donation, you can be Condoleezza Rice’s love interest in an epic In My World where you team up with Rumsfeld to fight Cyber-Lenin and his legion of hippies.
The other idea is extortion. I could write the funniest In My World ever – one with the angriest, reporter-killingest Rumsfeld yet – and then I’ll threaten to use PGP wipe on it to destroy it forever unless a certain amount of money is placed in my paypal account by a specified date. I would also drink vodka until it was erased from my own memory. Actually, I’ll probably drink the vodka whether I got the money or not.
Maybe best ways to trick people into giving me money can be the next vote.
In my opinion, the best t-shirt suggestion so far is one for a “Nuke the Moon” themed t-shirt. The only problem is how do I condense the intense philosophical implications of that essay into something that can fit on a t-shirt. Any ideas would be appreciated.
Also, apparently I confused people by posting two things at once in the morning. I had a normal humor post today – pure gold as usual – and it’s absolutely free… for now.
Rumsfeld tomorrow.
Behold My Glory!
Now you get to choose what will be the official photo of me, the beloved Frank J., to go on my About Me page. All shots were taken with a digital camera held at arms length… unless they obviously weren’t. And I just now noticed that my left eye tends to be slightly more closed than the right; what’s up with that?
Anyhoo, here are the choices:
Photo #1: Here I am as normal, with a slight smirk. Yeah, I know I’m better than you.
Photo #2: Here I am more serious looking. Yes, I’m a humorous guy, but you’ll never know how deep and philosophical my thoughts are.
Photo #3: Here I am smiling. I’m a happy, funny guy. Everyone loves Frank.
Photo #4: Here I am staring into the unknown, my thoughts distant and mysterious. Or maybe my ADD kicked in while I was taking that shot.
Photo #5: I was thinking my readers might want a picture that has more character, so here is suicidally depressed Frank. “Everyone just laughs at me!” Whoops! Looks like some forgot to take his pills.
Photo #6: Now the pills have kicked in. Here’s psycho happy Frank!
Photo #7: Here’s paranoid Frank. Why would people want a picture of me? For what purpose?
Photo #8: And here I am with homicidal rage like my hero, Donald Rumsfeld.
Photo #9: And here is what The Matrix would look like if I starred in it. Don’t I look dangerous with those silenced Skorpions (or “Klobbs” for aficionados of the N64 game Goldeneye)?
Photo #10: And here is what The Matrix would look like if Agent Smith had the head of a monkey… but now I think we’ve strayed off topic.
Carefully make your selection. You only get to vote once, and no revotes if you accidentally vote for Buchanan. Polling will be open for the rest of the week, or until I arbitrarily decide to end it. Poll results can also be ignored if I don’t like them. You see, it’s like a democracy, but better, because I get the final say.
Poll has closed. See results here.
With All the Different Types of Governments to Choose From, How Can You Go Wrong?
So now the question is what kind of government should we, the benevolent U.S., establish in Iraq. Before they had a dictator, which made them a dictocracy. Most people want to now establish a democracy, but that doesn’t just magically make a good government like some people think. What if the people voting are all jackasses and they elect crack mayors like in D.C.? So here are some other government suggestions.
Republic: This is where Republicans rule the government. This is the one we have and the best of the imperfect governments.
Monarchy: A monarchy is a government ruled by a monarch. According to my dictionary, a monarch is a type of butterfly. This government probably occurs in Europe where people are pansies and might be scared of butterflies. Come on; it’s just a butterfly! Bloody coup!
Anarchy: This is where you loot things and smash windows. It’s a lot of fun until finally you’re like, “Hey, there are no more windows left to smash! Isn’t someone going to fix the windows?” and someone else says, “No, dude, this is an anarchy.” So then another government has to be set up so the windows can be fixed. Thus anarchy can only last in spurts.
Feudal System: This is a system that involves a lot of arguments, or “Feuding”. I think it’s stupid, but others may violently disagree, and then we’d have a feudal system.
Autocracy: This is a government ruled by intelligent automobiles. It is the current government of Japan.
Plutocracy: This is a government ruled by Mickey Mouse’s dog, Pluto, who is tough but fair. Contrary to popular belief, it has nothing to do with the planet Pluto, which I tell you is one day going to collide into Neptune. Yeah, the scientist say that ain’t gonna happen, but I don’t believe them. For God’s sake, stay off of Pluto!
Ninjatocracy: This is a government that involves a lot of flipping around and cutting people’s heads off. It’s totally sweet.
Smurfaucracy: This is a form a government where one Iraqi would be the leader and named “Papa Iraqi” and everyone else would get names based on their personalities, like “Brainy Iraqi”, “Brawny Iraqi”, “Greedy Iraqi”, and “Perverted Iraqi.” One woman would be named “Iraqette.” I’m not sure what would happen to the other women. Also, Iraq and Iraqi would become a universal words that could mean anything – adjective, verb, or noun – just like the f-word but not vulgar. Plus, I think everyone would have to live in mushroom houses. In the one instance this government was practiced, everyone looked happy, but you could sense a deep sadness behind their eyes that told you that everything was not quite so Iraqi.
Popadopalocracy: This is a form of a government that… okay I made this one up.
Chiracracy: Rule comes from a cowardly weasel. Popular in Old Europe.
Benevolent Dictator: This is the theoretical perfect form of government, where one all-knowing and all-caring individual would rule the country– so this is like if I ruled Iraq. But I have a fulltime job and this blog to keep up, so rule your own damn country.
Links of the Day
Wow, I had like at least a 400% increase in traffic today. I think it’s do to the inclusion of the unnamed Mexican to my In My World post today. Don’t worry; you’ll see him again.
In a completely unrelated subject, Glenn Reynolds lamely denied my filthy lies, despite mounting made up evidence. He then hit me with some sort of denial of service attack to my visitor counter, because I was unable to see who was linking to me today, since, for some reason it said every referrer was instapundit.com. Well, I’ll get him back with even more filthy lies and even worse photoshopped evidence this weekend.
I’ve just added Cold Fury to my blogroll. Other people seemed to link to him, and I thought I better do it to so people think I’m cool.
I’ve also added The Yankee Herald to my blogroll. He ripped off my interview idea right after I did it, so, just like with Oscar Jr., I’m only adding him to my blogroll so I can later do the ultimate insult of blogdom – a delinking! No blogger can stand the insult of being delinked. Michele’s blog had been nothing but incoherent babble since someone once delinked her.
Fisking Michael Moore is like shooting the broadside of a barn… but with a larger target. Frank of Zogby blog takes aim.
I mentioned On the Fritz yesterday, but I’m doing it again today. I don’t know how many visitors his blog is getting, but it’s not as many as he deserves. He really is like a daily Onion with funny pictures to go along with the articles as well. I know a lots of these has been going around, but check out the phony Eminem obit. I especially like the sequence in the lower left corner.
Oh, and for no particular reason, I want to say that Loretta is cool. Go to her site.
I was given money, so, as promised, the big event is tomorrow. You will get to choose what will be the official picture of Frank J. to go into the About Me section from a selection of ten pictures. Please alert the media to this ground-breaking event.
Oh, and give me more money.
Money! Money! Money!
I new this would happen. I put up a Paypal donation button and now all I can think about are ways of tricking people to give me money. I was thinking maybe I could have one of those PBS fund drives:
“Without your support, we won’t be able to provide you with quality postings like ‘In My World’ and investigative reports such as ‘Know They Enemy’.”
And then I would promise people tote bags… but wouldn’t deliver. Muh ha ha ha!
Someone mentioned having a t-shirt to sell. Does anyone have any good design ideas or any good phrases I’ve used in the past that would go good on a t-shirt?
Now, I’m usually curious about my fellow bloggers, but most don’t put out much information about themselves. Maybe I could do that in exchange for money. Here I go:
“Now, I was afraid of putting out a picture of me before since I didn’t want all the female readers getting lost in my hypnotic blue eyes, but I’ve finally held out a digital camera at arms length and snapped a few shots of my self. I was thinking then people could vote on which should be the picture of yours truly to go into the About Me section. I’m having trouble accessing comments today, so they only way to communicate if you like the idea is to give me money.”
Oh, if someone knows an easy way to set up a poll, that can be put in the comments (or e-mailed to me).