Iraqi information minister promised Friday that his nation’s military would launch an “unconventional” counterattack against the coalition troops. Wow, that could mean anything, but I got my crack research staff to come up with the most likely unconventional tactics the Iraqis may use.
* Swarming us with monkeys on fire.
* Confusing us with interpretive dance involving hand raising and white flags.
* Running away.
* Waiting to ambush us in Aruba.
* Ninja fighting.
* Dressing up as transvestites and pelting us with sling shots.
* Committing suicide.
* Call us names from a safe distance.
* Leader paints half of face blue and then they all charge us while wearing kilts.
* Actually using some sort of military tactic.
* Trying to kick sand in our eyes.
* Hitting their own troops with gamma rays to see if any will develop superpowers instead of cancer.
* Knowing they can’t win against our technology, they try to draw the troops into settling the war with a disco dance competition.
* Changing all road signs to trick coalition forces that they took a wrong turn and are actually in Bulgaria.
* Name camels the new military leaders so assassination attempts will be against them.
* Wearing chicken costumes and telling our troops, “There’s no one here but us chickens. Bock Bock.”
Unconventional tactics can be confusing for our troops, who will just have to stick to their usual attack of shooting things that move. That’s how we won all our other wars.
The CG of the Nidal Division of the ‘elite’ Republican Guard tried the unconventional means of trying to drive his Mercedes (what else? Even Iraqis have the sense not to drive Peugots) through a checkpoint.
He has now assumed the conventional tactic of the ‘elite’ Republican Guard of lying there, seriously dead.
Comedy to be sure, and quite possibly empty words.
However, I still worry about some of the more evil things (if that’s possible) this nightmare regime could fling at us with their last dying gasp. I for one, would not like to see our magnicent boys compelled to gun down 8-10 yr old brainwashed children toting AK’s charging the defense lines of the 3rd ID.
I hope I’m wrong.
Sorry to be a sourpuss, I did like your list of ideas.
Charles,
Yes that would be so very sad. Yet how the h-ll would one ever overcome such an unfathomably EVIL regime without force? I hope the pre-teen death squad tosses their weapons down and lies on the dirt. They will be treated far more humanely by coalition forces than they even have been able to even dream about.
So sad, so very sad.
Yet there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel for these people. And it is a light both true and pure.
I understand and feel your sympathy. My youngest boy is about to turn age 9. I just shake my head and cry for these abandoned, hell these ABUSED, youth.
If only their leader was true, if only he cared more about bringing people UP than using them to create hatred. If only he used THEIR riches to produce a vital and growing economy instead of torture chambers and paladintine palaces.
How terribly sad that such thoughts are UNCONVENTIONAL in the Islamist world.
The goal of the “unconventional” warfare (faking engine trouble–blowing up, faking a tourist van of women and children blowing up, faking labor pains–blowing up), is to horrify Americans into withdrawing the military. It seems to be having the opposite effect; the more we see what a terrorist state the Saddam Ba’ath regime is the more determined we are to squish it into a chunky stain of psychostroke residue.
I’m not sure what “psychostroke” means yet. I made it up; and it sounds good.
The answer, my friends, is simple.
“When in doubt, take it out.”
They made their choice at the airport: Driving trucks with machine guns toward tanks till the truck is blown up. Again and again and again.
Un-Con. Tactic #1:
Attempt to distract our troops from their mission by erecting phony Wal-Mart stores, in an attempt to induce the U.S. grunts to “spend” instead of “conquering”.
Un-Con. Tactic #2:
Roving Falafel and french fry stands that are over-priced.
Un-Con. Tactic #3:
Toll Booths thus making all thoroughfares in greater Bagdad in effect “Toll Roads”.(theory: toll roads consistently limit usage of said roads for “frivolious” journeys.)
Un-Con. Tactic #4:
Illegally park cars on BOTH sides of every street in Bagdad. (This has been highly effective in minimizing ‘Transportation’ here in Brussels!) “Double Parking” as a ultimate weapon?
I could go on and on, but dare I?
But seriously, I’d bet they try something everybody already thought of but figured was too dispicable, foolish or pointless.
Uncdad
It sounds as though the fearsome unconventional attack was a single unsucessful suicide bombing attempt!
And now we have had tanks in downtown Baghdad.
The fat lady is nearly done with warming up her voice!
I hope to see Tariq or the current wormtongue on TV tomorrow or Monday blathering about their impending and glorious defeat of the Great Satan be interrupted by a few Special Ops entering from stage right. How would that impact the average Arab psyche if it was broadcast live!
Um, Tariq was in the bunker with Saddam and sons when we glassed it. That’s why we only see Sahaf (dis-info minister) live. Sahaf and Ramadan are running the remnants of the government “in Saddam’s name” (because that is all that is left of him). Who was it who blogged about Sahaf broadcasting to the bitter end, having the microphone forcibly taken from him by a U.S. Marine (“shut your piehole, it’s time to go”)?
Hilarious!
For more about Iraq’s unconventional weapons check here:
Iraq’s Unconventional Weapon Revealed!