“So why are we watching the stupid gringo Democrat get into his car?”
“Just wait for it,” Bush answered, watching out the window with barely contained excitement. Below them, Tom Daschle sat down in his car and turned the ignition. Soon his car exploded into a ball of flame and Daschle started running around the parking lot on fire and screaming.
“Stop, drop, and roll, jackass!” Bush shouted and closed the window. He then collapsed into his chair laughing.
“Isn’t that attempted murder?” the Mexican asked with some concern.
“What are you? Some legal scholar? Practical jokes aren’t crimes.”
“Anyway, senor Bush, I watched the Democrat’s debate and took some notes on who may be your challenger in 2004. First off…”
“Who cares,” Bush scoffed, “So the Democrats are fighting to find out which one of them gets to be the next Mondale. I’m a war president, yo; I’m untouchable.”
“Whatever you say, senor Bush.”
“Yeah, that’s right: whatever I say. Because I’m the president and you’re just the VP.”
“About that,” the Mexican said, “When I was just doing speeches now and then, three dollars and hour was fair pay, but now you have me putting budgets together. I was thinking maybe I should now get four dollars and hour to be the VP.”
“A one dollar raise!” Bush exclaimed, “Have you gone loco? Maybe I’ll give you a quarter more an hour, but that’s it.”
“No way. I need a dollar more, or I just go back to Mexico to find work.”
“$3.50.”
The Mexican considered this. “$3.75”
“Okay, Mexican, you drive a hard bargain, but $3.75 it is. All those number in the budgets better add up, though.”
The Mexican glanced out the door. “That crazy warmongering senorita is coming.”
“Condi? Does she look mad?”
The Mexican didn’t answer and instead hid in a closet.
Condoleezza Rice stormed in the room and tossed a folder at Bush. “What’s this?”
“Oh, just a little exploratory thing-a-ma-jig,” Bush said innocently.
“You’re planning on replacing you’re entire cabinet with cheap Mexican labor! The only thing that stopped you is you couldn’t find a Mexican violent enough to replace Rumsfeld.”
“It was just an idea.”
“The America people won’t stand for the entire Executive branch being replaced with illegal immigrants like the VP.”
“I didn’t immigrate,” the Mexican said defensively as he emerged from the closet, “I was kidnapped.”
“See, Condi, he was kidnapped,” Bush said, “Stop getting so angry.”
“You need to find Cheney and end this nonsense,” Rice told him.
“But he could be anywhere!” Bush protested.
“Such as right here,” answered a familiar voice. There at the doorway stood Dick Cheney, adorned in a poncho and sombrero.
“Wow!” Bush exclaimed, “What happened to you.”
“Something led me from the undisclosed location in Mexico,” Cheney explained in a somber voice, “I found myself in the middle of the desert, lost and alone. I thought I was done for, but then a coyote spirit brought me to an abandoned abode in which I found a poncho, a sombrero, and a pistol. I then knew my true calling, and wandered Mexico, freeing poor town from the oppression of banditos. They called me El Dicko, and evil learned to fear my name. Finally, having brought justice where there was none, my job in Mexico was done, and I returned here to continue my fight as Vice President, renewed now in spirit.”
“That’s a great story, Dick,” Bush exclaimed, “Oh, but I gotta tell you what happened yesterday when me and the Mexican were playing Mario Kart…”
“The Mexican?”
“Yeah, I now have this Mexican as VP, so I don’t need you anymore,” Bush explained, “He costs less, he listens to me more, and he smacks me in the back of the head while calling me stupid about half as much you. So you can just go back to Halliburton or whatever.”
“You can’t replace me with a Mexican!” Cheney yelled.
“The Mexican never yells at me.”
“It doesn’t matter. I was elected VP and you can’t just replace me.” Cheney looked to the Mexican. “You have to go now.”
“But what about my $3.75!” the Mexican shouted.
“Here’s an advance on that,” Bush said, handing the Mexican three dollars and seventy-five cents, “That should be enough to get you a cab ride to a couple blocks from here. Then I guess you’ll have to walk the rest of the way back to Mexico.”
“If I ever seen you again, gringo,” the Mexican threatened as he walked out the door, “I cut you!”
“I’ll miss you too, Mexican,” Bush answered, tearing up.
“God, you’re an idiot,” Cheney uttered.
Bush looked at Cheney with an angry glance. “Secret Service!” Bush called out, “Put the VP somewhere undisclosed.”
Two Secret Service agents appeared and started dragging Cheney away. “You can’t do this to me again!” Cheney shouted, “I’ll find where I am and then I’ll find where you are and then I’ll have my revenge!”
“Anyway,” Rice said, “Let’s get back to business.” She placed a piece of paper in front of Bush. “Just sign this and we’ll get to nuking Finland.”
“Alrighty,” Bush said, taking out his pen. Suddenly he stopped. “Hey, you’re not tricking me into nuking Finland again. What’s the real business I’m supposed to do now?”
“You must speak to France,” Karl Rove said, emerging from the shadows.
“What? But I hate those douche-bags.”
“Yesss,” Karl Rove hissed, “But they want to save face after the war, so Chirac is going to call you as foretold. If you speak kindly to him, he will admit France’s mistake, thus increasing the positive perception of you abroad. This will further lead to the downfall of the Democrats as predicted in the books of the ancients.”
“Sounds good, I guess,” Bush said, “But could you stop wearing that black robe and hood? It’s creeping me out.” He then picked up his phone. “So is there a call from France waiting for me?
“What do you mean Chirac already called?
“Then who took the phonecall?
“RUMSFELD!”
They all rushed out of the room to find a nearby office where Donald Rumsfeld was shouting into a phone. “Blood! Death! Kill! PAIN! I will gouge out your eyes! I will feast upon your entrails. I will…”
Bush hit the receiver on the phone.
“I was talking to some frogs,” Rumsfeld shouted angrily, “and I wasn’t done yet.”
“We were trying to talk nice to them, Rummy,” Bush explained.
“This could be damaging,” Rove said in an ominous voice.
The news was playing on a nearby T.V. “This just in: tourist to France say they are now unable to find the country. Apparently it was so scared by something, the entire nation went into hiding. No one can be sure what caused this, but most are guessing it’s from Bush’s botched diplomacy.”
“Aww, dammit, Rummy,” Bush complained, “You have to get that anger of yours under control.”
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld shouted, “I’ll kill you all for reasons I’ll think of later!”
Rice grabbed Rumsfeld in a headlock as he tried to lunge forward. “We already tried sending him to an anger management class,” she said as she tried to hold Rumsfeld back, “but they just sent him back with a note recommending he be put down.”
“Can’t you inject him with something to calm him now?” Bush asked.
“All I have is the stuff that kills someone and makes it look like it was a heart attack,” Rice answered.
“I just got off my habit on that,” Rumsfeld yelled, “You’re not getting me hooked again.”
Ari Fleischer then entered the room. “I heard yelling, and then I thought, ‘Hey, people are going to need Ari again.'”
“Yeah, Ari,” Bush said, “Rumsfeld has gone psycho angry.”
“Well, guess what I have with me,” Ari said, holding up a rifle, “The tranquilizer gun from that time you accidentally let an elephant loose in the Whitehouse.”
“Cool! Shoot Rumsfeld!” Bush exclaimed.
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld yelled, trying to shake free of Rice.
Ari fired a dart into him.
“Rar!”
“Hit him again!” Bush commanded.
Ari fired once more.
“Ra…,” Rumsfeld started to shout, but then trailed off. “I’m feeling sleepy now. I’m going to go to bed and will kill you all in the morning.” Rice then let him loose and he went out the door.
“Now you better go explain away why France being scared away isn’t our fault,” Bush told Ari.
“Man, why do I always have to do that?” Ari complained, “Can’t for once I be president and you have to go out and explain away my stupid mistakes?”
“Do not worry,” Karl Rove told him, “I will summon help for you to cover up this problem. The less you know, the better.” He then disappeared back into the shadows.
“Why would we know anything about France?” Ari told the press, “We hate them.”
“So the disappearance of France has nothing to do with any actions by the Whitehouse,” asked a reporter.
“No, of course not,” Ari responded, “That’s stupid to say. Why the hell would we have anything to do with those goobers. I bet they were all scared away by a bee or something.”
“Then how do you respond to Senator Daschle statement from his hospital room that he’s ‘saddened by how Bush poor diplomacy scared away France.'”
“I would just like to remind Daschle that he is very vulnerable right now in that full body cast.”
“What about this one rumor,” said a reporter, “that you were going to have a diplomatic call with Chirac, but then Rumsfeld…” The reporter was cut off as in a flash of fire a demon appeared, grabbed the reporter, and then disappeared in another burst of flame.
“Uh… why did a demon just take that reporter,” asked another member of the press.
“Hey, stick to policy questions,” Ari told them, “I don’t know anything about demons.”
“Would you admit that it’s from this administrations lack of balls that they’ve now lost their opportunity to bomb France for their insolence,” asked a Fox News reporter.
“Hey, bombing France was always on the table, but matters of diplomacy are more delicate than that.”
“Why do you want to bomb the Syrian children?” asked Helen Thomas, “What have the Syrian children done to president Bush?”
“There are no plans to attack Syria, you crazy old hag.”
“Yeah, there are no plans to attack Syria because the current administration is a bunch of eunuchs,” said the Fox News Reporters, “If you weren’t all such homos, instead of the Syrian children reciting their ABC’s right now, they’d be saying their last rites.”
“I swear to God if you weren’t a woman…” Ari threatened, shaking his fist.
“Bring it on, baldo!”
“Hey, I found this stick and I thought it would be great for breaking over the head of John Kerry,” Bush said, running into the press conference. “That will teach him to be so French looking.” He then noticed the press. “I mean I was going to talk to Kerry about the how dangerous trees are, supplying people with deadly weapons in the form of sticks.”
“When I hold Kerry, you better have better aim this time,” Ari said, rubbing a bruise on his head.
“Why is your administration such a bunch of pussies?” the Fox News reporter asked Bush.
“Uh… I think that question is better answered by Colin Powell.”
This would make a fantastic movie. I could just see Karl Rove reading from the book of the ancients. I wonder if he uses the blood of baby seals when he draws the Presidential Seal.
By the way – don’t believe a word about that El Dicko stuff. I saw Cheny at a Casa Gallardo Monday doing tequila slammers off nubile young coeds. He was running around shouting about his El Dicko – and the poncho and sombrero he stole from a life size wax statue of Hans Blix.
His visions must have come after he took that can of paint thinner and that brown paper bag and went out into the alley in search of The White Man’s Bag of Visions.
All I can say aftr reading yuor posts for a while is that your “World” is a strange, strange place; what exactly do you call this place?
It can’t be America – that country is currently being invaded by CNN and its army of elite democrat guard headed by Ted Turnerussein and Wold Blitzkrieg.
This is a funny article, I like the part when Bush says stop drop and roll jackass.
It is almost always strangely inappropriate, but I always chuckle whenever I hear/read the phrase “Stop, drop and roll.” Because, on a river rafting trip back when I was young (probably a little younger than Frank), in a less than sober moment one of my friends put a full, unopened beer can into our camp fire. Nothing interesting happened and it was soon forgotton, until the entire fire blew apart and one of our engineering cohorts had the presence of mind to yell “stop, drop and roll.” No one was hurt and no one actually needed to stop drop and roll, as it was only embers that flew about, and in our collective drunken condition it was more than a little funny.
It’s over
Our long national humor nightmare is over. Frank’s world is back and open for business….
The Fox News Reporter is great again, just great. I think he should be armed and maybe shoot some other reporters for asking questions that are stupid. He could take some of the pressure off of Rumsfeld for a little bit!
Limited use of demons. Very effective.
hln
Wait a sec… the Fox News Reporter is a woman?? Oh man, Laura is NOT going to be happy about this… then again, FNR and Ari seem to have a few sparks between them… hmmm… 😉
Man, the fox news reporter seemd a tad off this time, i wish i had voted for the marine….he was polite, while being homicidle, it was a nice touch
The Marine will come back. I loved his laid back homicidal attitude as compared to that of well… Rumsfeld.
Almost died laughing!
Thanks Frank!
Best Continuing Soap Opera Ever
Over in Frank’s World, Rummy intercepts Chirac’s call to GWB and inadvertently scares away France, and Ari calls Helen Thomas a crazy old hag.
Hate to say it Frank but not one of your better works. It’s still a better read than anything else I have on my “Favorites” menu, but I think you just upped the bar too high with Career Day. Anything which followed that was doomed to a lesser reception. Although John Kerry deserves such a beating with a stick, and I’m glad the administration is finally getting around to that.
O.K. Settle an argument, Frank…my friend says the Rove character shows a Lovecraft influence. I disagree, as there is no mention of Cthulhu, or of his holding a degree from Miskatonic U. (Maybe Condi does?) I say he sounds much more like one of David Eddings’ Murgo priests. Are either of us close?
Hodadenon,
I never read any Lovecraft. The character is a bit stolen from the show “That’s My Bush” is which it was implied Rove had some evil darkside. I just expanded on that to make him some evil prophet, though I don’t have any particular influence in mind.
What ?! No monkeys !!
What ?! No monkeys !!
( that first one was a preview…I swear..)
Rove’s coming out as a demon-summoning high priest is brilliant and I hope it’s further exploited. It perfectly addresses the issue of the gvt. being “really” run by the Illuminati. (Yes, they can summon demons.)
Am I the only one, or is this funny when said out loud: “Senior Bush Official”. Try it.
“That crazy warmongering senorita is coming.” Senorita?! Condi is single?!!! WOO HOO!!! I’m takin’ the shuttle to DC in the morning and heading for the White House stopping only for flowers and chocolates!!
No I’m not. Anyways… I have a thought about the Fox News Reporter; she sounds too much like Rumsfeld. Maybe she should try to influence Ari with…um…subtlety. F’rinstance, the paragraph beginning “Yeah, there are no plans to attack Syria because…” could go:
“And is the reason there are no plans to attack Syria because the Administration is rendered impotent largely due to worries about what other nations might think?” the Fox News reporter exhaled as she gently hiked the hem of her skirt slightly up her thigh. “A testosterone-rich administration would be squeamish about killing Syrian children like a little girl running from a spider. He would enjoy it, isn’t that right Mr. Secretary?”
“I swear, if it weren’t for the fact that I’d red-faced with humiliation if I stepped out from behind this podium…” Ari said, shaking his fist.
“You and what army?!” she panted while locking her knees.
Okay, maybe that’s a bit too steamy. But, you know…
Loved it! Hopefully we’ll see more appearances by Karl Rove. I’d also love to read more about El Dicko’s wanderings and his meeting the coyote spirit 🙂
“You’re planning on replacing you’re entire cabinet with cheap Mexican labor! The only thing that stopped you is you couldn’t find a Mexican violent enough to replace Rumsfeld.”
I doubt you could find ANYONE in this world as violent as Rumsfeld…and I also like the idea of Rove reading from the book of the ancients…
Hilarious as always,
-Jeff
I thought that was damned funny. The best humor always has a hint of truth to it.
Here Frank J. shows he’s a man truly after my heart. I’ve been trying (for the past three years) to bring back the word ‘jackass’ into modern lexicon. It’s a slow, random process–one can only use ‘jackass’ but so much–but I’ll stay the course.
Now, now… Rove is NOT a Murgo. He is a Grolim. Get it right.
Hey Frank,
Are we ever going to find out that the FNS reproter is either the love child of a Rumsfeld/Rice tryst or the end product of some DNA experiment between the two?
Frickin’ hilarious. I haven’t laughed this much in a long, long while . . . I smiled when the mexican said, “I cut you!” But when Rumsfeld entered the scene I about died! Thank you.
“I’ll kill you all for reasons I’ll think of later!”
Wonderful line.
To Frank J.
Another great job as usual. More Ari and Buck the Marine, please. Loved the demonic Karl Rove going on about the “books of the ancients.” I can just see him standing there looking like a videostore horror movie reject.
Tuning Spork
That’s not such a bad idea. The Fox News Chicks are known for being (or at least dressing) sexy, with the short skirts, tight tops, and gallons of lip gloss (paging Laurie Dhue, paging Laurie Dhue). I can see one playing the “femme fatale” role to get Ari all hot ‘n’ bothered….
To Analog Kid:
I’ve always thought that there had to be something going on between Condi and Rumsfeld because she’s the only one who can ever control him. I’ve been waiting for evidence of some kind of affair between them. Can you imagine what the “pillow talk” during the “afterglow” must be like?
Hi Frank, this is only my second posting in my life, and I just posted my first one at Zogby and then couldn’t find it, so I’m going to post it again here, and this is probably going against one of the unspoken rules of blogging, but it’s something that crossed my mind and really made me think about the anti-christ and the last days and that stuff.
Anyway, didn’t John Kerry play the part of the evil professor in “Re-Animator” who had his head cut off and then came back to life? He sure looked a lot like Kerry, but now that I think about it, he looked a lot more like-like than Kerry. Unless that is, the evil professor really is John Kerry, and he wants to run for President and finish his plans to conquer the world.
Wow! What a thought! But then, even if he were the evil professor from “Re-Animator” he wouldn’t be so bad compared to the other Democratic candidates out there.
Well, I’ve probably just got an overworked imagination from watching the Evening News with Dan Rather. You don’t really think? Nah!! Never in a million years.
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