Part I
Part II
“Place could be booby-trapped,” Bush declared, “Scott, open the door.”
“Why do I…”
“Stop being such a pansy!”
“Okay.” Scott carefully opened the door to the White House while Bush, Buck, and Zatoichi watched. “Man, looks like the place was trashed!” he exclaimed.
Garbage littered the floors. Most of the furniture was overturned. “Terrorist attack,” Bush ventured.
Ichi sniffed around. “Smells like… kegger party.”
Bush then spotted his two daughters. “Jenna and Barbara, did you throw an all night kegger party at the White House?”
“I’m Barbara and she’s Jenna,” Barbara said angrily.
“Whatever. You two are twins; how am I supposed to tell you apart?”
“We’re not identical twins,” Jenna exclaimed, “We don’t even look alike in the least.”
“Fine; not stop avoiding the question. Did you trash my White House?”
“It’s not your White House, Mr. Not-President,” Barbara answered, “Dr. Rice said we could use it for our parties.”
“You don’t listen to Condi; you listen to your father!” Bush demanded.
“Hey, at least she gives us money,” Jenna responded.
“I stopped giving you money at college because I know all you do is spend it on booze. What is she giving you money for?”
“She’s paying us ten bucks an hour to help her take over the world,” Barbara explained.
“You shouldn’t help her!” Bush exclaimed, “She’s evil!”
His two daughters both rolled their eyes. “Yeah, she’s the one who is evil,” Jenna laughed, “I heard about the mean, sexist things you said to her.”
“You really should apologize,” Barbara added.
“She’s just being too sensitive,” Bush insisted, “Now where is her secret fortress?”
“We’re not telling you,” Jenna said. She then turned to Barbara. “Let’s get going. Dr. Rice said we can pick the next country to bomb.”
“Why don’t you and your friends go back to your ranch in Texas and play war there?” Barbara commented derisively as she followed Jenna.
“You should discipline your daughters better,” Ichi stated.
Bush scoffed. “Why does every blind samurai without children think he knows better how to raise my daughters?”
“What mean sexist things did you say?” Buck asked.
“Forget it, Buck,” Bush commanded, “The important thing is I get back my presidency without apologizing.”
Just then Laura Bush walked into the White House. “Oh dear!” she exclaimed, looking at the mess in complete and utter horror. “White House tours start in an hour. They’ll think I’m the worst first lady ever!”
“It was all Barbara and Jenna’s doing now that they’re working for Condi,” Bush told her, “Or was it Jenna and Barbara? Which one has red hair?”
“Neither,” Laura answered angrily, “and I can see why they would act like this when their father sets such a bad example. If you just had apologized to Dr. Rice for being so sexist, we would have never had this mess.”
Bush groaned. “It’s like people think I’m supposed to apologize every time I do something wrong; it’s ridiculous.” He turned to Scott, Buck, and Ichi. “Let’s try and find that secret fortress.”
“We could follow your daughters,” Ichi suggested.
“Good thinking, Ichi,” Bush responded, “I’ll drive and you keep an eye on them.”
Ichi shook his head. “You’re an idiot.”
Bush fixed his cowboy hat. “An idiot who’s getting his presidency back.”

Bush, Scott, Buck, and Zatoichi slowly approached Condoleezza Rice’s secret fortress. “I always knew there was something suspicious about this hollowed out volcano just outside of D.C.,” Bush remarked.
Suddenly a gunshot hit near them and they all ran for cover behind a large rock. “Is that Barbara shooting at us?” Bush asked, peeking out from behind the rock.
“It’s Jenna!” she answered angrily as another shot flew just past Bush’s head.
“Barbara is watching us from the other sniper tower,” Buck commented, “I think we’re pinned down.”
“You can get passed them,” Bush told Ichi, “They can’t see you.”
“That’s invisible!” Ichi exclaimed with annoyance, “Blind means I can’t see them!”
“Geez; come down, Ichi.”
“We need a diversion,” Buck said, “Someone to draw their fire.”
All eyes went to Scott. “What?”
“Run out there Scott and distract them,” Bush commanded.
“But… uh… I don’t want to get shot.”
“Don’t be such a baby,” Bush said, “They’re just firing paintballs.”
“You sure about that?”
“Yeah,” Bush answered, shoving Scott out from cover. Scott then started running.
“God, is that guy gullible,” Bush chuckled, “Now let’s get going!”
Bush, Buck, and Ichi ran for the fortress’s entrance, with Bush guiding Ichi along by holding on to his cane. Once they got to the entrance, they heard Scott yell, “Ahh! My leg!”
“Should we go help him?” Buck asked.
“That’s what they want us to do,” Bush answered, “She wounds someone so she can pick the rest off as we try and help him. I’ve seen Jenna do this before, and I ain’t falling for it again.”
“It was Barbara who shot him,” Ichi remarked.
“Who can tell them apart,” Bush exclaimed.
There was another gunshot. “Ahh! My other leg!” Scott yelled.
“You’re doing great, Scott!” Bush called out to him, “Way to take one for the team!” Bush then prepared to open the door to the fortress. “Everyone get ready.”
Inside were six military death machines. Bush and Buck charged firing their machine guns while Zatoichi drew his sword and came in swinging. “Who’s the leader of the Executive Branch?” Bush yelled as he blew up the last of them.
“Blowing up robots is kinda fun,” Buck declared with a smile. “If I can’t become a Marine again, I think I’ll get a job as a robot exterminator.”
“You’ll get your job back,” Bush declared as he charged forward. They soon came to a large room where Condi sat at a throne at the far end.
“Ha!” Bush laughed, “Your military death machines fight like they were made by a girl!”
“I’ll make you eat your words,” Condi declared as she stood up. She wore a costume of green with a purple cape and mask.
“Wow!” Bush exclaimed, “You have villainess costume and everything!”
“I take my job seriously,” Condi said, “Unlike some people.” She then pressed a button on a remote control and even larger robots now came after Bush and his company. “Let’s see how you do against my new and improved models. Muh ha ha ha!”
Bush and Buck fired their guns, but their bullets bounced off their metal hides. Ichi’s sword clang uselessly against them. The three then cowered in the center of the room while the robots surrounded them.
“I think we might be done for, chief,” Buck declared.
“Ichi, use your ninja magic or something,” Bush said.
“I’m a samurai!” Ichi yelled with annoyance, and then swung his cane hitting Buck in the head. “Sorry; I’m not so magically attuned to my other senses when I’m mad.”
“It’s alright,” Buck said as he looked at the deadly robots and tried to contemplate what to do.
“There’s an extra secret ingredient to these robots,” Condi said. A wall opened up and there was Chomps in a cage and Rumsfeld chained to the wall. “I’ve collected the combined anger of Chomps and Rumsfeld and imbued the robots with it. To stimulate that anger, I have a hippy reading political opinion pieces by Noam Chomsky to them.
There sat a hippy, gleefully reading a book by Noam Chomsky as Chomps and Rumsfeld struggled with all their might to break from their constraints and kill the hippy.
“My God!” Bush exclaimed, “That’s so diabolical it’s kinda funny!”
“With my robots, I’ll destroy all of America’s enemies, foreign and domestic,” Condi declared, “Then all shall worship me and declare you a worthless idiot.”
“So are you going to kill us with your robots?” Bush asked.
“That is the plan,” Condi said.
“Just like a woman to have robots do her killing,” Bush laughed.
Condi looked steamed. “Fine! I’ll kill you myself!” She walked up to Bush and sunk into a martial arts stance.
Bush rolled up his sleeves. “Now I don’t want to hit a gir…”
Condi kicked him the stomach and then elbowed him in the chin, knocking Bush to the ground.
“Help!” Bush exclaimed, “Condi is beating me up!”
Laura now stormed into the room, dragging Barbara and Jenna by their ears. Scott crawled in behind her. “Do you know what your daughters were doing?” Laura said angrily, “Trying to snipe their own mother, that’s what!”
“Why are they always my daughters when they’re trying to kill us,” Bush groaned as he got himself off the ground.
“Dr. Rice, what are you doing in that silly outfit?” Laura asked.
“Killing your husband and then taking over the world,” Condi said defensively.
Laura rolled her eyes. “Okay, I cleaned up the White House and made enough punch and pie for everyone… but you only get it if you all make up. Now, George, why don’t you finally apologize to Dr. Rice for the mean things you said and set a good example for your daughters.”
“Apologize?” Bush said distastefully.
“Come on,” Ichi urged, “We want punch and pie!”
“Fine,” Bush said, first looking at the ground for a moment, but then finally facing Condi eye to eye. “I’m sorry I said those mean sexist things. You can be just as mindlessly hawkish as any man around– if not more so.”
“And do you have something to say to George, Dr. Rice?” Laura urged.
“I guess I overreacted a bit when I tried to have you killed by Islamic extremists, became a supervillian, and turned America into a police state,” Condi told Bush, “I’m sorry.”
“Happens to the best of us,” Bush said, patting her on the shoulder. He then looked to Laura. “So do we get punch and pie now?”
“Fist you have to apologize to Daschle for breaking his nose for no good reason,” Laura said as Daschle then walked into the room with bandages on his nose.
“But I had a good reason!” Bush insisted, “I don’t like him!”
“George!” Laura shouted sternly.
“I’m sorry, Daschle,” Bush said, “It’s not your fault your a slimy weasel; that’s just the way God made you.”
“I’m saddened by…”
“Hey!” Bush interrupted, “You’re not going to help by talking!”
“Guess I better let Chomps and Rumsfeld go,” Condi said as she hit a button on her remote. The constraints fell off of Rumsfeld and the cage door opened for Chomps.
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld shouted.
“Grrraw!” Chomps growled.
“Uh oh!” exclaimed the hippy, holding the Noam Chomsky book in front of him as a shield.
“That one dead hippy,” Bush remarked, quickly looking for a place to shield himself from the splash damage.

The entire group sat around a picnic table on the White House lawn enjoying punch and pie. “I’ve learned something today,” Bush declared, “Anyone can be whatever they set their heart on. A woman can be just as good a cabinet member as a man, a blind man can be a samurai, and a dog with a sever anti-social personality disorder can be an award winning U.N. peacekeeper.”
“I learned something too,” Condi said, “That if what someone says offends me, I should confront the person directly instead of trying to secretly have him killed and then turn the U.S. into a police state.”
“That last part is Ashcroft’s job,” Bush chuckled.
“And I learned that while blowing up robots is fun, nothing beats stabbing a for’ner with my KaBar while the Old Glory flies on a pole behind me,” Buck stated.
“And I learned never to trust President Bush,” Scott said angrily, “He even signed my cast with the name ‘I. P. Freely’.”
“Yeah, that is pretty funny,” Bush chuckled.
“Sorry about shooting you in the leg,” Barbara said, “I didn’t mean to. But that’s what I learned: when sniping, you have to adjust for the gravitational arc of the bullet.”
“And don’t forget windage,” Jenna added.
“I didn’t learn anything,” Rumsfeld declared, “I’m too old.”
“I learned that Bush’s ineffectual leadership can cause tragedy in both the foreign and domestic arena,” Daschle commented, “and it saddens me.”
“That reminds me of another thing I learned,” Bush said, “The capital of Thailand.”
“That capital of Thailand?” Daschle said with confusion.
“Yeah: Punchyouintheballs!” Bush exclaimed, and then punched Daschle in the groin.
“I learn I charge 150 bu for this job,” Zatoichi said.
Bush rose to his feet as Daschle fell out of his chair. “150 bu! That’s outrageous!”
Ichi’s hand moved towards his cane.
“Okay! Okay! 150 bu it is!” Bush said, sitting back down and covering his neck, “These ties are expensive.”
“Well I’m glad most everyone learned something today,” Laura said, serving more pie.
“I bet Chomps didn’t learn anything,” Bush chuckled, “He’s just a stupid dog. Look at him there sitting on the lawn chewing on a car bumper – Hey! That’s my car bumper!”
Bush rolled up a newspaper and ran over to Chomps. He then struck the dog on the head while yelling, “Bad dog!”
Very slowly Chomps stopped chewing on the car bumper and turned his head to look at Bush. “I don’t think he liked that,” Rumsfeld said, “What paper was it?”
Bush unrolled it. “It was the New York Times.”
“Then you just added insult to injury,” Rumsfeld stated gravely.
Chomps brimmed with fury. His blood shot eyes bulged as he growled and bared his jagged teeth.
Bush backed away slowly as he prepared to run. “If anyone needs me, I’ll be up in a tree.”
THE END