Bush sat in the Oval Office playing nerf basketball until Attorney General John Ashcroft walked in. “Hey, it’s little Johnny Ashcroft,” Bush exclaimed, “How are you doing?”
“Not so good, by golly,” Ashcroft said, “Everybody says mean and untrue things about me like that I want to take away their rights and everything, and it makes me feel bad.”
“I know how you feel,” Bush replied. He then started laughing. “Can you believe that some people say I’m dumb?”
Ashcroft just stared at him. “Anyway, I don’t want to take any nice people’s rights away. I was just trying to fight terrorists, by golly, like by passing the Patriot Act, the Victory Act, and the Question this Act and I’ll Put You in Jail Act.”
“That’s the first bill I’ve seen with the word ‘bitch slap’ in it,” Bush remarked.
“Well, the bitch slap is needed in the fight against terrorism,” Ashcroft said, “but I can only use it after getting a court order, you betcha. To speed things up, of course, I have a whole court follow me around in a bus.”
“So what’s been happening lately on the terrorist front?”
“Well, golly, we found this guy who looked pretty darn suspicious, so we questioned him about terrorism,” Ashcroft answered, “He wouldn’t tell us, nut’n, don’t you know. So we put some electrodes to his gonads and he started singing a different tune, you better believe it.”
“So what did we find out?”
“There a terrorist hideout here in D.C. full of illegal arms, wouldn’t you know.”
“We better go take ’em out!” Bush exclaimed.
“That’s what we’re going to do, by golly.”
“And I’ll go with you.”
“This is not a good idea,” Zatoichi told Bush, “It safer here in the oval office.”
“Who is that?” Ashcroft act.
“That’s a blind samurai I hired as a Secret Service agent under the People with Disabilities Act.”
“And you need to listen to me and stay safe,” Ichi told him.
“Bah!” Bush answered, “Safety is for cowards and smart people! Let’s roll!”
“We’re pretty sure the terrorists are in that building, I tells ya” Ashcroft said, pointing to the building ahead of them. The ATF agents gathered around getting ready for the assault. “BTW, Bush, I want you to meet our head ATF agent, Psycho Stan. He used to be a psychotic, remorseless killer.”
“And then you reformed him and made him an ATF agent?” Bush asked.
“Well, we made him an ATF agent,” Ashcroft answered.
“I wants me to kill someone,” Psycho Stan said, twitching.
“When you raid that building, Psycho Stan, we need you to take some alive so we can question them,” Ashcroft ordered.
“A… live…?” Psycho Stan said, confused.
“That when you don’t kill someone,” Ashcroft explained.
“What bullets and explosives do you use to not kill someone?”
“Well you don’t use any bullets or explosives at all,” Ashcroft answered chuckling, “If someone drops their weapon and raises his hands, don’t shoot him.”
Psycho Stan still looked confused, but then he started laughing. “Oh, now I get it. I always wondered why people would drop their weapons and raise their hands, because that seemed a funny way to attack me. I guess they were actually trying to get me to not shoot them.”
“See, you learn something new ever day, by golly.”
Psycho Stan and the rest of the ATF agents prepared for the raid. Bush nudged Zatoichi while laughing. “That guy was dumb.”
Ichi just grunted.
There was a lot of shooting and exploding, but then Psycho Stan emerged bringing out a terrorist at gunpoint. “I got me one,” Psycho Stan said, “and I got him… uh… not dead… uh… what did you call it?”
“Alive.”
“Yeah, he’s alive.”
“And I tell nothing to you infidels!” the terrorist shouted.
“Golly gosh, I think I’ll need to use a bitch slap here,” Ashcroft said, and then turned to judges behind him. “Court order, please.”
They handed him one. Ashcroft then cocked back his hand and bitch slapped the terrorist.
“Okay, I talk!” screamed the terrorist, “We are plotting to kill the Vice President today!”
“Oh no!” Bush exclaimed, “It’s Vice President day! That’s when the Vice President emerges from his undisclosed location. If he stays out, it will mean economic recovery is on its way. But, if he’s scared back in by a terrorist attack, that means six more weeks of recession! It’s covered by all the press.”
“We better call his Secret Service agents and tell them to expect an attack,” Ichi suggested.
“That’s too simple,” Bush said, “We need to race over there and stop it ourselves!”
“Okay,” Aschroft answered, “and I’ll take care of things here, by golly.” He turned to the ATF agents. “Secure the building.”
The building exploded.
“Jeepers,” Ashcroft exclaimed, “We need to work on our communication here.”
“I need your car,” Bush said, pulling open the door to a Corvette and yanking the driver out. “Wow! This is just like Grand Theft Auto!” he remarked as he sat in the driver’s seat, “Now get in Ichi.”
Ichi felt around for the passenger side door.
“Just get in!” Bush urged, “What are you? Blind?”
Ichi simply grunted as he finally got in the car.
“You’re holding the camera backwards again!” Melinda Hawkish of Fox News yelled at her camerawoman, “It’s important we get good coverage of the Vice President.”
“Having trouble again,” asked her arch nemesis Lefty Stevens of CNN, “Too bad you’re not professionals like us.” He then thought out loud, “Now how am I going to work into this story that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s father is a Nazi?”
Melinda just gave him a stern look. She then noticed some odd reporters beside her. “That’s a weird looking camera you have,” she told them, “Almost looks like a bazooka with a lens cap on the end.”
“Quiet infidel woman!” shouted one of the men, “You’re unconcealed face and body both disgusts and intrigues me!”
“How rude,” Melinda remarked. She then saw someone start to emerge from the cave in front of them. “The Vice President is emerging!”
Suddenly a Corvette sped into the scene. Out leaped Zatoichi, who cut down three men.
“Those were MSNBC reporters,” Bush told him.
“I hate MSNBC,” Ichi answered.
“But we need to find the terrorists!”
Ichi listened carefully. He could then hear the sound of tension upon a trigger. He quickly tossed his sheath which hit the terrorist’s bazooka, so, instead of firing at the Vice President, it was knocked off target to fire into a group of reporters. Ichi then ran forward and cut down the terrorists.”
Having successfully emerged from his undisclosed location, Dick Cheney now danced a jig.
“Hooray!” Bush exclaimed, “Now we’ll soon have economic prosperity! And all who were killed were a bunch of stupid reporters who can easily be replaced.”
“I save Vice President,” Ichi stated, “You pay me ten ryo.”
“What!” Bush yelled that’s the most ridiculous thing…”
With a quick swipe, Ichi cut off Bush’s tie.
“Ah, fine, you blind bastard,” Bush grumbled, “Let me get my bag of ryo.”
–“That’s the first bill I’ve seen with the word ‘bitch slap’ in it,” Bush remarked.–
That one line made my day. We need MORE Ashcroft, Frank. Anybody who puts THAT in a bill needs to visit more often.
Great post to start the week with! LOL!
“It’s Vice President day! That’s when the Vice President emerges from his undisclosed location. If he stays out, it will mean economic recovery is on its way. But, if he’s scared back in by a terrorist attack, that means six more weeks of recession!”
Beautiful!!!! Now…. where’s that damn Windex?
D—! There goes another monitor.
Just PLEASE tell me that Melinda Hawkish wasn’t one of the reporters the bazooka blast took out…
I’m sure I heard a rumor that someone might stuff a cream pie in Hillary’s face… could we please get those ATF agents to “secure” her building?
“I can only use it after getting a court order, you betcah. To speed things up, of course, I have a whole court follow me around in a bus.”
Don’t give the real John Ashcroft any ideas! 😀
It didn’t surprise me that Zatoichi earned his 10 ryo with his sword. What I found amazing was that Bush was prepared to pay him in gold on the spot.
How much does a ryo command against the dollar anyway? lol
Very funny. I liked the old “RARR” Ashcroft better than the new “by golly” Ashcroft, though.
http://www.josephfinn.net/mt/archives/001445.html
Ashcroft just stared at him. “Anyway, I don’t want to take any nice people’s rights away. I was just trying
Great post.
Craig,
Of course she is fine.
J Mann,
This was Ashcroft’s first appearance in an In My World&trade.
Ikkonoishi,
I finally looked up what a bu is, and it’s a quarter of a ryo, so Ichi has actually gone down in price.
“Hooray!” Bush exclaimed, “Now we’ll soon have economic prosperity! And all who were killed were a bunch of stupid reporters who can easily be replaced.”
Another great In My World, especially with our new hero, Ashcroft. And could we get Vice President’s Day to be a REAL national holiday? I really need the money…
So when is the Man of Steel going to make an appearance? Yes, that’s right, PM of Australia John Howard. All tremble at his might!
It’s Monday…
…and this means, of course, that it’s time for another journey into the Imperial Secretary of War’s World. Today’s Teaser…
“What are you, blind?” ROFL!!!
Oishi kada des!
Doh.
For some reason I saw ten ryo as 100 ryo.
So he would only have charged $1,897.39 today.
Still he does charge pretty steeply.
VP Day
From a Frank, the Wondrous Tale of Vice President Day:”That’s the first bill I’ve seen with the word ‘bitch slap’…
Do the alphabet, part 1
Some links, alphabetically. Fun stuff. This is one way to get through my blogroll……
Whoops. I am an idiot. I meant that Rumsfeld is funnier than Ashcroft, much funnier, except that for some reason I thought they were the same person. Maybe you could make fun of Ashcroft’s faith . . .
Whoops. I am an idiot. I meant that Rumsfeld is funnier than Ashcroft, much funnier, except that for some reason I thought they were the same person. Maybe you could make fun of Ashcroft’s faith . . .
Ashcroft =’s Butters! I hate Butters!
“Oh no!” Bush exclaimed, “It’s Vice President day! That’s when the Vice President emerges from his undisclosed location. If he stays out, it will mean economic recovery is on its way. But, if he’s scared back in by a terrorist attack, that means six more weeks of recession! It’s covered by all the press.”
That is really funny!
Thanks, Frank…I was a little worried there. I hope next time this happens Melinda just kicks some terrorist ass herself – yeah, just put her in some spandex and those heels Seven of Nine used to wear on Voyager…
Sorry, lost in thought there. What was I saying?
THAT was priceless!
As a technical note, I’m constantly impressed at how you manage to maintain the right tone of these things, Frank. It would be so easy to just overegg it a little bit one way or another – and then the humor would be soured; it wouldn’t have that same absurdist zeal. (Sometimes you DO overwrite it, but shockingly rarely.) I commend you for your control of your writing ‘voice’ – you walk a tightrope and make it across damn near every time. (Don’t worry – the times you don’t, there’s a net.)
The other thing I love about In My World is that it’s actually really poker-faced. If I was a liberal who really didn’t like the Bush administration at all, and I found these things, I’d TOTALLY believe that the author was a fellow Bush-basher. But as a right-winger who quite enjoys the Bush foreign policy, I’m TOTALLY into having self-deprecating fun with cabinet stereotypes. Bipartisan appeal!
In order to show my respect for your writing, I just bought a Nuke The Moon T-shirt. Still debating whether to keep it or give it to my father (also a Frank J. reader). Maybe I’ll get two.
“Jeepers,” Ashcroft exclaimed, “We need to work on our communication here.”
LOL!
“Safety is for cowards and smart people.” ha ha, that’s our 43. good one, Frank J. only thing, no Rummy / Chomps this time, but I know they’ll be back.