“Why are you filming the G.I.’s helping school children?” CNN’s Lefty Stevens asked Fox News’s Melinda Hawkish, “There’s no story there.”
“I think people would be interested in how war and destruction has improved the lives of the Iraqis,” Melinda answered.
“Bah! Only stories of failure are news worthy,” Stevens answered. Nearby he saw a troop fall to the ground, and he and his cameraman quickly rushed over to film him. “Yet another troop has fallen in this burgeoning quagmire,” Stevens narrated.
“I’m alright,” said Private Gomer, standing up, “I just done tripped on a rock.”
“Dammit!” Stevens exclaimed, “Well scream for us if you are more seriously wounded.”
“Alrighty.”
“What’s wrong with those people?” Buck the Marine asked Melinda.
“They’re just CNN; don’t mind them,” Melinda answered, “So are you ready to show us what you’ve done here?”
“Well… uh… I don’t know if you’re dressed properly,” Buck said, “You might offend the Muslims.”
“But I wore a veil,” Melinda protested.
“Yeah… uh… but not much else.”
“Well, it’s so damn hot here,” Melinda answered.
Some Iraqi men walking buy shouted some thing in Arabic while smiling and whistling at Melinda.
“The Iraqis are so nice,” Melinda smiled, “Anyway, Buck, tell our viewers what you have done for the Iraqi children.”
“Well, since we got a break ‘tween kill’n, we helped them little Iraqi kids by fixing up their school and building them a playground with swings and a teeter-totter and one of them twirly things to make them kids dizzy.”
“We love big American!” shouted one of the kids.
“We love candy, too!” said another.
Buck laughed and tossed the kids some Jolly Ranchers. “We got tons of these candies here,” Buck explained to Melinda, “These Jolly Ranchers are like the only things that won’t melt in the 120 degree weather. Frankly, I’m sick of the damn things, but the kids can’t seem to get enough of them.”
“More candy!” demanded another kid.
Buck laughed. “Don’t worry, little for’ners, we have plenty more… Ow! One of them kids bit me!”
“Quagmire!” Stevens yelled as his cameraman filmed.
“Calm down kids,” Buck told everyone, “There is plenty of candy for everyone.”
“Can I be a big Marine like you, American?” one of the children asked.
“Aww,” Buck answered, “America will make sure you can be anything you want. Now you kids go play in your playground, but be careful; life is not all candy and biting Buck. There are still evil for’ners afoot. And what do you do to evil for’ners?”
“Kill them!” all the Iraqi kids shouted in union.
A tear almost came to Buck’s eye. “That’s some good kids.”

“Since the big American says I can be anything I want,” said an Iraqi boy as he sat on one end of the teeter-totter, “I’m going to own a big corporation. I’m then going to downsize everyone to drive up the value of my stock.”
“I’m going to become an actress,” said the Iraqi girl on the other end of the teeter-totter, “and I’m going to use my fame to speak out about politics even though I’m an idiot.”
Suddenly Baathist thugs came up and knocked them off the teeter-totter. Then they blew it up. “That is what happens to everything made by the American invaders!” yelled one of the Baath party members.
The children started crying. “We’ll tell the big American and he’ll stab you with his knife!” one yelled.
“Muh ha ha ha! No one can stop us!” the thugs laughed as they ran away.

“They blew up the teeter-totter!” Buck exclaimed, barely containing his anger.
“There’s three others,” one soldier said.
“But that was the best one!”
The kids nodded in agreement.
Private Gomer came by rubbing his head. “Someone done hit me on the head.”
“But you were supposed to guard the supply of Jolly Ranchers!” Buck said. He ran to the Jolly Rancher silo. It was empty.
“What was your one job, Private Gomer?” Buck asked angrily.
“To guard the Jolly Ranchers,” Private Gomer answered, looking at his feet.
“And what happened to the Jolly Ranchers?”
“They got stolen,” Priavte Gomer answered, “I’m sorry.”
“You apologize to them little for’ner kids,” Buck told him.
The kids started crying. “No more candy?” asked one tearful youth.
“We’ll see about that,” Buck answered.
“A teeter-totter destroyed and their candy gone, this war has quickly descended into and unending quagmire,” Left Stevens narrated in front of a camera.
“I’ll avenge that teeter-totter and get back that candy or I’m not Buck the Marine,” Buck swore, “There are more things I distribute than candy.” He then chambered a round into his rifle, ejecting the round that was already chambered. “Oh yeah.”

“Now I can film a Marine in action and show how well things are going here,” Melinda said, following Buck with a camera.
“Bah!” Stevens answered, “We’re going to film him being yet another casualty proving how horribly this occupation is going.”
“Quiet you too,” Buck said, slowly moving across the landscape, “I sense foreignness in the air.”
There was a sudden ambush, and, just as suddenly, Buck ended it with fire from his M-16. “Ooh-rah!”
“Yay America!” Melinda yelled.
“Boo!” Lefty Stevens called out.
“The scent of watermelon flavored Jolly Ranchers is unmistakable,” Buck said, “They went into that cave over yonder.”
Buck entered the cave followed by the two reporters. Buck was soon attacked, but the resistance was nothing for an experienced Marine. He killed the enemy so quickly he didn’t even feel the need to shout, “Ooh-rah!” in triumph.
“When is he going to get killed?” Stevens exclaimed with exasperation.
Soon they came to large room. Buck crept in carefully, but suddenly light went on and he was surrounded by evil Baathists. “Time to film his death,” a voice called out. At the front of the room stood Christiane Amanpour.
“It’s the war slut!” Melinda yelled.
“Funny words coming from a reporter wearing a bikini,” Amanpour answered.
“And a veil,” Melinda said defensively.
“What are you doing here?” Buck demanded.
A new figure came to stand by Amanpour – one with a bushy mustache. It was Saddam Hussein! “She has agreed to help me get back in power to show what a failure the Bush administration is,” Saddam said, “Then she gets the exclusive. First, though, we kill one more American do-gooder!”
“Wow! So this is how objective journalist do things!” Stevens exclaimed as he backed away to film the action.
“We’re surrounded!” Melinda said, “Do you know what to do?”
“According to the Marine kill’n manual,” Buck answered, “when surrounded you kill everyone… in a circle.”
Buck dropped to the ground as he tossed grenades to each side. Confused by the explosions, Buck then began picking off the enemy with his M-16 as they fired uselessly at him. Buck then set his sights on Saddam.
“You’re going to be know as Saddam Who-dead!” Buck yelled as he charged the former dictator.
“Uh oh!” Saddam yelled as he ducked into a secret passage way. Once Buck got there, all he could see was the flame of an advanced propulsion system.
“Damn Baathists and their rocket cars,” Buck grumbled. He then turned to Amanpour. “You got some answering to do, little lady. Conspiring with the enemy, trying to get a Marine killed – why that has to be one of the least ethical things the left-wing media has done in… well… two or three days.”
“More like eight hours,” Melinda stated, “You need watch more news.”
“Don’t have time with all my kill’n duties,” Buck answered.
“I was just trying to tell the truth,” Amanpour said, “without being intimidated by the Bush administration.” She then looked to Melinda Hawkish. “Or Fox News.”
“I never tried to intimidate you!” Melinda yelled angrily, “I’ll strangle you for saying that!”
Amanpour shrieked and ran away.
Buck now located the stockpile of stolen Jolly Ranchers. “That will make the kids happy.” He then turned to Lefty Stevens. “I hope you learned something about being a more ethical journalist.”
“I haven’t learned anything,” Stevens asserted, “That’s why I work for CNN.”

“Yay big American!” the Iraqi children shouted, “Yay candy!”
“Big American kill all bad people!” said one child proudly.
“Time to get to rebuilding that teeter-totter,” Buck said, picking up some tools.
“So how does it make you feel to see all these happy children,” Melinda asked, holding out her microphone towards Buck.
“Seeing their joyous smiles makes me a happy Marine,” Buck said, “So happy… well… so happy I want to kill evil people.” He thought for a moment. “Oh wait, I always want to kill evil people. Ooh-rah!”